Friday, September 12, 2008

What do you mean, he isn't coming??

Nel and i had a bit of a disagreement tonight. actually, i am going to say he had the disagreement.

he was coming up today to see the girls and handle some business. traffic in his neck of the woods was awful so he decided to come tomorrow. he called to tell Ari goodnight, and that he would see her when he came back up tomorrow, but i told him i wasnt going to tell her. he wondered why i wouldnt tell her, and i explained that i didnt want to disappoint her if something came up and he didnt make it. I must have phrased it badly, because he got upset and snippy with me.

what i think he doesnt realize, is that we grew up with both our fathers in our lives. our parents have both been married around 30 years, so when dad said he was going to do something, we never thought twice. i think its hard for us to understand what its like being separated from a parent, and then being told something great is going to happen, and then having that major upset. and who is to blame? dad is. (or mom, depends on the situation...) Ari is one of those kids who you can't tell ahead of time when there is a party, trip, etc. because every ten minutes is another question. One time Nel couldnt make it up and she was majorly upset. i understood why he couldnt come. any adult could understand. but she whined and cried and was so devastated, that i decided then and there, that i wouldnt ever tell her when he is coming. i also dont tell her when i am coming to eat lunch with her. its the same situation. she is a kid you kinda have to surprise. and i cant imagine once Niecy is old enough and the same situation occured...then i would have two crying faces to explain that to.

he called me back and apologized, i think he gets it if things go crazy and he doesnt make it up here tomorrow, she will be none the wiser...

today was a crazy day. i was here alone, for the first time in weeks. the baby and i laid back down after breakfast and getting Ari on the bus. i woke up before she did, and i was just...lonely. nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, of course i have friends who easily fill that void, but its not the same. after you have been with someone for so long, you get used to having that conversation all the time. im getting used to being by myself, but i dont like it.

im not rushing out and doing anything to "fix" it, as one friend calls it. i dont want to date. i dont want any "friends with benefits", i want to be either completely happy, or completely alone. right now, i guess i have to be completely alone. i guess i should use this time to find myself, but even once that is all done, there is nobody to share it with. i dont want to be one of those women who just have to have a man. it doesnt matter if they are miserable, or on different pages, or complete opposites, they feel they are completed by having a man in their life. i guess im trying to find out what it is to be complete without one. its a tough goal to reach if you havent been alone in a while. i just pray for strength and patience, and know that what is meant to be, will be. no matter what the situation or circumstance.