Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thats not what friends are for...

my experience with Nel was that he was never going anywhere. ever. i notice that with a lot of men. the relationship has soured or hit a rough patch, but they are going to be there until the end. truthfully, even though they think that makes them seem like the "better/stronger one" since they were the ones who were left, it is the exact opposite. i tried so many times to take time out away from my relationship, and i was always greeted with "well im not going anywhere." lets face it. our friends and family know us. they are going to know whose fault it is no matter who left who. so sticking it out is just dragging out the inevitable.

nel has said on more than one occasion that i run from problems. its true at times. i have, many times, gotten in my car and just left. usually i would come home, because it is the one true place i can unwind and think clearly. i never came running to tell a situation or ask for advice, because i knew what it would lead to. i dont believe in asking people about most relationship situations. male or female. it causes problems in more ways than one. Nel has on several occasions, mentioned problems to some of his female friends. BIG NO-NO.

i am a woman, so i know what is going thru this "friends" mind. "hmmm. shorty isnt handling her business at let me make sure he knows he can count on me for support" also translated into "this dumb b*tch, he came running to ME when she messed up...let me plant my seeds so that when things go downhill for real i can slide on in." why dont men understand that scheme?

i have been that woman. or girl anyway. when i was right out of high school, one of my best male friends was dating this girl who was just awful. i looked better than her and just knew the moment she messed up, she would lose him. sure enough, they had a huge fight, and who did he call? me. dont get me wrong, i truly cared for this guy. it wasnt just a "haha i won" type of deal. we had a strong relationship to begin with. he started off telling me how xyz had happened, and they were over for good. i listened patiently, interjected with an occasional "oh she shouldnt have done that..." and provided one hell of a shoulder to lean on. by being that 100% team member, he developed feelings for me beyond the friendship role i slid into. he never saw it coming. if he had any doubts in his mind about his initial decision to end things, i certainly killed them the moment they popped up. it was high school after all. we ended up dating for a while. he is the "run away to florida with me" person from "only the lonely part 2", so you know how strong that relationship was.

fellas...does your "female friend" say things like "oh thats wrong" or "i would never do that!" or "that is just trifling" or "you deserve better"?? if she is single, its a set up. POINT BLANK. she doesnt care about you or what is going on. she saw an opening and headed straight for it. it doesnt matter that maybe you over reacted, and things can be fixed. in her eyes, it is over, or at least you are "taking a break" and can interact/date/sleep with her. and the same goes for that "friend" who wants to call you and complain about what her man is doing wrong. HELL NO... i had to speak to Nel about that too.

once again, i am a woman. so i know the routine. "so-and-so, my man is sooo mean to me. he did this and that, i just dont know what i should do..." are you kidding me? why are you calling your "guy friend" about your man? unless he is laying some serious smackdown on her, that is what her girlfriends are for! of course, you guys just eat it up. "i wouldnt treat you like that" and "man, maybe you should move on" is code for "drop that loser, i can take better care of you".

now the extra smart chick has this covered from both angles. she is in a relationship, AND is your confidante when your main squeeze is acting up. so when you call her with that "Bee is acting up, what would you do?" type of deal, she reacts swiftly because it seems she is "untouchable" and only has your best interest at heart. "really? oh well she shouldnt do that. i treat MY man like this..." perfect set up. now you have a list of things that Bee isnt doing like your friend is. doesnt matter if she is lying or not. then she has the perfect reason to call you back..."well Bob isnt doing this, or he did this and i dont know what to do?" you react with a feeling of owing her for helping you thru your "problems"...the moment you start helping, you are in major trouble. she is going to throw out things like "i know you would never do that. i dont understand why your girl is treating you this way! here i am in a relationship and i do everything my man wants, and your girl doesnt appreciate what she has..." Wifey, you are done. she has done the one thing you do when you want someone elses man: stroke that ego. he gets to thinking "hell yeah, im a good dude, i deserve better than that. someone like my friend over here." oh, dear. you are about to cheat on your main squeeze with a girl that sure as hell could be lying about her poor man. he doesnt have a clue...

so i guess the point im trying to make overall is communication. that, and privacy. dont go running your mouth everywhere about your problems. dont communicate with the opposite sex about your problems...unless it is maybe a family member. now im not saying you cant talk to anyone EVER of the opposite sex, because there are some good people out there who want to help you, not help themselves. think long and hard before you pick up that phone to call or text. think about what message you are sending out. the other person will pick up on the situation better than you think. if you want to vent, write a letter, go for a ride and talk to yourself. but never let anyone poisonous into your head. once they get in, they will lay out the blueprint for bigger, worse problems that they have no intention of helping you thru at all...