Sunday, September 7, 2008

Only the lonely, part 5: the finale

the call came a few days after the big split: grandma wasnt expected to make it thru the night.

we had been expecting it, she was diagnosed with cancer in 07, and for the months preceeding the call, i had spent lots of time with her and helping to take care of her. she was terminally ill, so i knew i had to make the most of what i had left with her.

many days i would put the baby in her carrier, and we would ride to her house, she would be sitting in the corner by the tv commenting on Emeril or watching the religious channel. i would do her laundry, or help with her physical therapy. some days she wouldnt do much talking, but others she would have me cracking up with her quick sense of humor. it was a welcome break from sitting in the apartment waiting for Nel to come home so i could have time to myself. it was heartbreaking to see a woman so meek and mild suffer like she did. but i had one thing that she had given me that will always live on: her personality. we were the most passive people anyone could hope to meet, and i knew that when she passed i had to fulfill that legacy.

i texted everyone about a week later to let them know she had passed in her sleep. it was a difficult time for me. a major breakup, and then her passing on top of it all. i couldnt eat or sleep for days. the one time in my life when i needed Nel the most, i couldnt stand him. i had to tough it out on my own. and i was mad about that. it wasnt fair.

once things settled down, he asked if he could come take me to dinner. i agreed and we had a pleasant evening out. he apologized again, still trying to see what he could do to fix things. and i let him know a lot of damage had been done, some that might never be the same. i simply wanted to know WHY? i couldnt believe the answer i got.

He wasnt getting enough attention. i absorbed it all in shock: i hadnt been talking or paying him any mind so he had to seek it elsewhere. although it was true, i was appalled at his reasoning. i ran down the list of what had been going on with me: a dying grandmother, losing my job, having a baby, still having to take care of Ari on top of things. how did he expect me to act? my mind was in 4 places at once. i barely remembered to eat during that few months, let alone check and see if he was getting the "attention" he needed. i laughed (not because it was funny, but to cool my nerves before saying something very evil) and asked if we had gone on with the wedding, would he still have looked for attention elsewhere? he said no. that, my friends, was a major problem.

how can you not treat someone who is the mother of your child, and in a relationship with you for almost 6 years, with the respect of a spouse? that should have made no difference. anything i would do married, i would do single, and vice versa. he doesnt know how close he was to getting walked out on.

then i did something i shouldnt have done: i slept with him. what the hell was i thinking? i wasnt. the whole time we were having sex, i kept thinking about her, and whether or not she'd had what i was having right then.

things evened out over the next several weeks. and then, he asked me to come down and stay with him, his brother and sister in law for a few days. things were nice the first few days. once again, i slept with him, deep down knowing i shouldnt. i was giving him his cake to both have and eat. after a few days i did it again. i checked his phone.

boy, you would think after all that had happened, he would have cut her off quick. but he hadnt. still texting, still conversating. i asked him to tell the truth and let me know if he had stopped. of course, he lied. he said he hadnt talked to her in almost a month and a half. but i knew from the phone logs that there were several conversations with her. it seemed like everytime i let my guard down and tried to trust him, he messed things up all over again.

he didnt realize that there was only one thing he needed to do to "fix things", and that was to cut off all ties (and i meant ALL) with her. he couldnt figure that out for himself. and so i came back home, more depressed than before.

that brings us up to now. the past five entries have been 6 years in a nutshell. as of today, we still dont talk much. Ari calls him at night, he checks on them during the day via text messages. things are formal between us. i know he still talks to the girl (not assume, or guess...i know for a fact. i am sooo smart). i hope she was worth it.

im not interested in dating AT ALL these days. it has left a bad taste in my mouth. i just want to get over the hump that life has sitting before me, grow up a little more, and move on. i find myself being bombarded with people that found out about the split and want second chances, but i dont want to start anything new at this point. i just want to be alone. and that is exactly what i got, except not the way i wanted it.