Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Only the lonely, part 3

two pink lines...

who would have imagined after a nice round of sangria, we would manage to get pregnant. in the weeks between conception and discovery, i was a raging bitch. i couldnt stand the sight of Nel. his smell made me nauseous. hearing his voice annoyed the crap out of me.

things didnt change in the months to come. he did more bullshit, and played it like i was overreacting. i was a hormonal mess, finding myself several times wondering how i let myself get pregnant by someone who would treat me this way... i was no better than the countless number of women i shook my head at in similar situations. i got tired of crying in secret. i would go to the ladies room at work or my office and just sit in the dark, but it was something i couldnt let anyone else see.

you see, as a black woman, and as a pregnant woman, i was faced with a dilemma: as a black woman, i was supposed to be tough and not let things get me down. and as a pregnant woman, i was supposed to let everything out. i chose to let it all out in secret. nobody knew the whole pregnancy what was going on.

by this time, including all the medical issues i had going on, i was miserable. pregnancy was supposed to be a time to enjoy the life growing in me, and i did enjoy it, but with the work drama and home drama and not to mention my parents disappointment, i didnt know what to do. i felt like i spent the whole nine months alone. Nel worked late and spent time with his coworkers more after work, while i sat at home alone. when he was at home, we didnt do much talking, but he found time to text awfully sweet messages to a friend of his...the likes of which i hadnt seen in months. i went to my appointments alone, looking jealously at the scores of fathers who decided they wanted to tag along and be supportive. i wanted out. out of being pregnant, being a mother, being a signifigant other.

coming closer to the end, i knew i had some decisions to make, but they were never made. after having Nisa and losing my job within a month, any plans i had of moving onwards and upwards were crushed. i started to plan around my income tax check, looking at apartments to see if they would take a full 6 months rent in advance without running any kind of credit check on me. i knew it would be hard but i wanted it so bad i could taste it. i couldnt take anymore. when that fell thru as well, i was close to giving up.

eventually, we had to leave the apartment. he went to stay with a friend before moving on to Va Beach to start a new job. i took up a post on my moms couch. he kept asking me if i wanted to look for a job down there, and at first i was all for it. i had nothing to lose, literally. but in the back of my head, this nagging feeling kept poking at me. and so i asked the lord to show me what i needed to know before uprooting my girls and moving to a new area. he showed me on the 4th of July.