Monday, September 8, 2008


Nel called this evening to tell the girls goodnight. i was in here, at my wits end, with a migraine brought on by who knows what. i had emailed him yesterday and told him to let me know when he thought he was coming back up this way to see the girls. i desperately need a break.

i know he is unhappy because he is missing so much, but he is missing more than he realizes. he misses all the bad things too, like helping with homework (not necessarily bad but it can be a headache), changing pampers, giving baths, feeding them, loading them up to take them places...its hard. it really takes a toll on you as a person. parenthood is not a one person job. it is a two person job, and hell, somedays you need three people. i am not judging him for taking the job down in va beach, because at the time i was intending to possibly go down there myself. but i still feel like im here alone. sure, there is a house full of people, but it doesnt take the place of someone else being there, rubbing your back at night, running you a bath to kick back in, or make up a silly drink with the corner of vodka and rum you have collecting dust on the counter. its those little things that count. so everyone is losing out in the end. he misses the girls, i miss the support, the girls miss dad.

mom mentioned that the other day, that he was missing so much. and i told her that i was not going to put myself back into a relationship that needs severe work and move down there just to resolve that. i understood when we got together that his career takes up a lot of time. i also lived with him thru the times when we had no money because his job wasnt paying enough, and he was searching for anything to make more. im not completely naive about these things but it still doesnt make things any easier.

i dont know what the solution to this problem is. im sure he has no clue either. it seems to me that it is one of those things that works itself out in the end. but i hope there is no damage done in the meantime...