Saturday, September 6, 2008

only the lonely, part 4

the 4th isnt a big holiday for my family. that day, we decided to just throw some things on a grill and eat. nothing major. Nel came thru, he was leaving that next day to start the new job and wanted to spend some time with us.

i went inside to check on the girls. when i entered the den, my eyes were immediately drawn to his cell phone. it wasnt my intention going in that day to check but something told me to. and so i did.

what i found was the remaining messages of what seemed to be a lengthy conversation with a girl i had discovered before. the message i found in the preceeding months was disturbing to me: one that ended with "Miss you! xoxoxoxoxo"...when i confronted him, i was given an excuse of her being an old friend, blah blah. i tried to explain that "old friends" dont end their text messages the way you would end one to a girlfriend/wife, with kisses and hugs? really? of course, i was "overreacting", and if you ask me, i underreacted. how dare i ask you to respect me and not deal with other females like that...what on earth is my problem...

the new messages sealed the deal for me. whatever picture messages had been deleted was surely something scandalous and x rated. comments were made about size, "handling" things, and a question from her for him to come over. he had responded yes.

i sat on that couch and i think time froze. what had always been a deep rooted suspicion was now basically dead in my face. it hadnt stopped. i dont know why i thought it would, he had never said he was wrong, he had apologized because i mentioned it, and he sure didnt say he would cut ties with her. what was i expecting?

i dont know how i made it thru the rest of the day. he noticed my cool demeanor and asked what was wrong, but with my parents and sisters so close, i didnt want to start a scene. i waited until he left and pounded out this letter:

i have a lot on my mind right i am going to make this quick. as of right now, i have stopped all searching for a job in Va Beach. i dont think i will be moving down there. i know you want to know why, and let me tell you. i am not moving away from my family and my help to go down there deal with an unfaithful partner. i already know, i know who it is, and details of when you were going to go see her, and different things like that. i told you the last time, that it was the last time. im not tolerating it anymore. i guess i have just wasted six years, which is okay, i got a beautiful child out of the deal. i dont ask anything of you. ANYTHING.

i have given you my best, i have given you my all, i have sacrificed more than you know to be with you and be there for you. you have never once had to wonder if i was faithful to you. i have had numerous occasions where i have had to wonder and worry about what you were doing out with who. the condoms, the pictures, the letters, the text messages...are you kidding me? would you have stayed with me with this blatant obvious evidence in your face? hell, you broke up with me when i had no job...if this was sitting in your face you would leave too. i let it slide when you consistently carried condoms everywhere out of town with you. i let it slide when you had a conversation at 4am with another woman and conversated about your dick with her. i let it slide the first fucking text message with Tee that had xoxoxo at the bottom. i let it slide when some girl mailed you a letter about how in love with you she was. i let it all slide. now i have to find you talking about your equipment passing inspection, and what i guess was a picture of her who was wet and juicy and you couldnt wait to see/try it, whatever. and then the little meeting you two scheduled. wow. why didnt i leave you the first time? i feel like a complete fool. you knew i would be checking up on you again, and if you didnt, i dont know what you were thinking. you would do the same. and if you wouldnt do the same after finding something like that about me, i would say you are in denial. or you were doing your own thing and didnt care. you have lied about so much. i am tired of being lied to. TIRED. any woman with sense would have left years ago.

you obviously dont mind hurting me, after all i have been thru. dont give me that bullshit about your privacy. when you are putting what is supposed to be mines into someone else, or in a picture to someone, or talking about it to someone, it is officially my business. it is my business when you risk exposing me to an std. it is my business when we had a child together. you are letting some woman who does not care about you, ruin your family, your life, a relationship that i had thought at one point would last for a very long time. do you think she cares? hell no. any real woman who knows you have a family would not risk you losing all that if she cared about you. your previous bullshit is why i have to check on things. i know they say when you go looking for something you find exactly what you are looking for. i was looking for a reason to not have to do this. i was looking for a reason to pack my kids up and move to the beach. i was looking for a reason to ignore all the other shit youve done and trust you. i havent trusted you for a while now. it is nobody's fault but your own. i dont think im overreacting. i think im protecting myself and the girls. why cant you act right for the girls? you act like they mean so much to you but you do this?? i am so numb right now i cant even cry. and i havent cried. i dont think i will because deep down i think i saw this coming and had to wait things out until i saw for sure what i felt in my heart was going on. i am giving you what you want. if you want to go be with Tee, do what you do. i dont care anymore because i am thru. let her know you are a free man now! she can do what she wants with you, to you, send you pictures, its not my business anymore. you took my kindness for weakness, and now i have to show you how strong i can be. didnt think i would leave, did you? now you know. i guess this is the price i pay for loving you. there is nothing to discuss. dont call me. dont text me. dont come by. seriously. i am not playing or joking in any way. i will contact you.


within minutes of finishing, i texted him and told him to read his email when he got home. he responded immediately. i was on the phone with my bff and telling her what had happened when he came back to the house. what happened after that was a two hour long discussion about what i had seen, what it meant, how i wanted to find it, and how i was going to think what i wanted to think no matter what was truly going on.

i was personally insulted. i didnt make any of these things up. i wasnt "seeing" anything. it was right there, front and center, cold hard evidence. he told me he hadnt gone to see her, that he had come to see us that night, but he hadnt spent the night with us, so that meant nothing to me. i didnt yell, i didnt scream, i just stated my case and left it at that.

i couldnt believe almost 6 years of a relationship could be wasted like that. over a woman that didnt care about him. that much was obvious, no woman worth anything would assist in ruining a mans family like that. he didnt see it that way. til the very end he denied it all. i got a half-assed apology out of the deal. i never truly believed that apology. it was more of a "sorry i got caught" type of deal, not a "oh my god please dont end things like that". i got the feeling that he almost knew it was coming, or had been playing the field so long that he was already prepared if he was caught.

when he finally left that evening, i sat in the floor and cried. a hundred different things were racing thru my mind. relief, that it was over; sadness that he would let that come between us; anger that i had been his fool for so long; bitterness, that another woman had meant more to him than i used to; disbelief, that he let things continue with her, knowing the consequences. it hurt my heart that after all the sacrifices and honesty and faithfulness i had given, it was so easy for him to betray me. i knew more than he thought i knew, though. i knew there had been actual conversations with her, so it wasnt a sex thing. he let her have his mind, not just his body. see, people dont understand that...

if i were to go out, and meet up with an ex or meet someone new, and decide i want to get physical with them, thats all that is going to happen. there are no conversations. i am not letting you get inside my head like that, i dont care how you are, or what your day was like. im not in this for a relationship. im in it for the sex. in this case, since he was talking to her almost every other day, there was the beginning of a relationship of sorts. and once she knew he would go out of his way to keep it from me, she knew it was game on. if he doesnt care, why should i? i can make my move at his most vulnerable point and he wont be able to tell the difference. but see, im a woman. i know the rules of this game that so many men fall victim to. i have played it before. successfully, too.

i thought that this would really be it, and that i could attempt to start doing something for myself and the girls. but the worst was yet to come...