2008 is dead and gone...

it is ten minutes to midnight, December 31, 2008 as i start this entry...i stayed in as usual. i never go out, sometimes we would host a get together but the past few have been relatively quiet. the girls are asleep, and i have already sent out my texts, so it is time for me to do what i do every new years...talk to god.

i pray not nearly as often as i should, i try to do it once a day but sometimes i forget. not on purpose, though.

2008 has, by far, been the worst year on record for me. i have come out of 2008 with nothing but my health and the girls health. i am truly thankful for that, but what looms is the utter failure and despair that surrounded me the past twelve months. i have lost a grandmother to cancer, a cousin to gang violence, my car, my apartment, my relationship with Nel, basically everything. and not only am i saddened, but im mad too.

part of me is furious that i have found myself in this situation with two children. they dont ask for much except to be taken care of, and i havent done that good of a job this year. i am also mad that i cant just give up. deep down, im mad at the girls for giving me a reason to hold steadfast and not collapse like i want to. if it werent for them, who knows where i would be, or what i would be doing, but i know for certain it would have involved giving in to the desire to forfeit in this game we call LIFE.

im mad at grandma for leaving, but only a little bit. her death showed me what i can get thru when i put my mind to it, and i do thank her for that. but now i dont have that excuse about death being too difficult for me, because thru her i learned that your love can overcome grief.

im mad at Nel. if you read this blog often, you know why.

as the fireworks shoot off, i can thankfully say that 2008, is now HISTORY...and i am greatful for the fresh page i get to start writing on this year...now if you will excuse me, God and i have to finish our convo.

much love to you all in 2009!!!
Sadiqua

the right direction

oh wow, is it December already?????

i know i actually have followers now lol and you are mad i left you hanging...so here is an update.

still not back together with Nel. we are working diligently on things, and making a bit of progress...he comes almost every weekend to see the girls. i have stopped checking up on him. do i trust him? not necessarily, but i have found that it does no good. all i am going to do is find what im looking for, right?

he has made it very clear that he wants things to work out between us and im glad he is putting forth an effort. i will admit, we didnt stop sleeping together (sorry!) and i had promised i would work on that...but i didnt. i am glad that we have the sense to keep thing protected though, especially after why we broke up, and the chance of my fertile behind getting knocked up again...

Niecy turned one, Ari turned eight a week later. his parents and my parents joined us for a wonderful birthday dinner at Olive Garden. he still hadnt told his parents about the split, or so i thought...

thanksgiving day, we went down south to his sisters house. (we are very close, she is like a big sister to me) as people came in, his mom was introducing me to people i hadnt met before...and it went something like this:

"this is Nel's girlfriend, well, wait, friend? acquaintance? i dont know, what are you calling yourselves now? She is Niecy's mom, so Nel's friend..."

Nel and i blinked and just looked at each other...what could we say? i didnt get a chance to ask what was going on, had she found out? all i know is that we were stunned as hell...

next up, nels going to try and get a place down there...still aint moving as far as im concerned, but its a step in the right direction...

Pants On Fire

blog i posted elsewhere a while ago...right when all this was starting...

i hate a liar.

what exactly is a liar? websters defines a liar as a person who tells lies. and a lie is defined as a story a person tells with the intent of deceiving another person.
wow. that is kinda strong, isnt it? to intentionally deceive another person. to go out of your way and be dishonest about something to cover your own a**. okay, so my definition isnt Websters, but its close enough.

what do people lie about that isnt completely wrong? plenty. women lie about age and weight. men lie about their height. we lie when people ask if they look fat in those jeans, or that yes, your mothers dinner was the best you've ever had. in the end, these lies dont really hurt anyone. nor are they meant to be hurtful.

but sometimes, you get hit in the face with a lie so blatant and stunning, you blink in shock and wonder when you got "dumba**" tattooed on your forehead. that type of lie that makes you nauseous and cold with the realization that the person didnt think enough of you to tell the truth.
are you a liar in training? or want to make sure you are doing it right? here are some rules for lying:
-be prepared to lose something in the process: a friend, family member, relationship, job. the list goes on and on. it doesnt matter. you can lie about it later.
-if someone asks you IN DETAIL about something, you might want to go on and tell the truth. they probably already know the truth and you will be caught lying. then you have to lie some more.
-most people dont want their feelings "spared". they want the truth. damn morals.
-if you know the truth is gonna cost you something anyway, you may as well tell it. why tack "liar" to the list of things you are?
-don't swear on anything when you are lying. god, your moms grave, Mary of Magdalene...nothing. you might have to take that up with someone later on...
-nobody is going to believe a word you say ever again. if you say the sky is blue, people will be peeking thru blinds to make sure.
-once that trust is broken, your chances of ever getting back to that level of trust are slim to none. ouch.
-have your story together before you lie. throw a few "ah's" and "um's" in for good measure. you can also repeat the question or rephrase it to buy yourself some time. look up at the ceiling, or down at the floor. fiddle with your hands. better yet, dont do it in person. do it over the phone, that way they cant see you at all!
-if you feel justified in your lie, back that sh*t up! "man up" as they say. dont back down!
-keep a calendar. you are going to want to throw in some dates or time periods to further make your lie seem real.
-if you are caught lying, lie again. and again. then flip the script on the other person. if they are dumb enough, they will change the subject to defend themselves and forget about the web you were weaving...
-become friends with other liars. after a while there may be no family or friends in your life left to hear the bulls*it that come from your lips. but other liars always love to hear your stories about how you squeezed out of that tight situation!
-prepare to be alone. and dont bother apologizing. it wont work. and you are probably lying about the apology too, so thats just another list of crap you have to keep track of! follow the KISS rule! (keep it simple, stupid)

have you been lied to? here is your list of rules...
-CUT. NO. SLACK.
-have consequences. real ones. ones that get your point across.
-never back down. once the liar knows you know they are lying, they will try and shift the blame on you. this isnt about you. its about the liar.
-know (most of the people, most of the time) you dont deserve it.
-replace these liars with people who dont lie. once a liar, probably always a liar. at least about the original subject of the lie.
-realize that you dont have to accept apologies. i know that is sooo un-Christian like. but lets face it. most of the apologies arent honest. its a way to calm your nerves and make it seem like they have changed and that lie just so happened to fall out their mouths.
-forgive and forget is done on a personal basis. or at least the forget part is. you can forgive if you want to. thats your business and its healthy for your mental state. but if you cant forget, its best you move on.

i hope my diatribe (blog for those of you who havent graduated high school or taken your SAT's yet) on lying was informative, and whether you are a liar, been lied to, reformed liar, or contemplating becoming one, you know what to do and how to do it well.

those of you who know me well, know that i joke and kid around on a constant basis, and i even joke around in this blog. but i am personally tired of being taken for a fool, and if you find yourself in the same situation, at work, or home, hell, even on MySpace, its time to free yourself from the drama...everything will be alright in the end. if its not alright, its not the end...

Bee

The Goldilocks Effect

well i got out last night. had a great evening with my 2 bff's and another girl who i think will become a friend very easily. Nel stayed with the girls. he couldnt stay out my face before i left, even took time out to pull me aside and tell me to not show my ass. i laughed and told him to get lost. When my girlfriend came to pick me up, i kissed the girls and headed out. he followed me to the door and asked could he get a goodbye hug. once again, i laughed and left.

besides the fact that of course, he managed to text me while i was out, it was a good night. i had a few really good drinks, headed home, and, due to that alcohol-blurred judgement, did the one thing i have said i would NOT do. we had sex.

it was sweet, tender, soft...all the things that i need from him right now. he whispered his regrets in my ear and apologized numerous times. it was high, it was low, it was what i call Goldilocks syndrome: everything was "just right"...i have mentioned before that we dont have issues in this area. in fact, we make up harder than we fight. i guess we just have a lot of passion together, whether its negative or positive. he brings things out of me that surprise both of us, and i do the same to him. that said, i felt and still feel guilty. there is a level of comfort that we have with each other when it comes to sex, it is so easy to fall back into that trap and forget the reason we were fighting to begin with. it is a major distraction.

i cant help but think what might be going thru his mind. "yep, it still works!", "she just USED me!", "i knew she couldnt keep this nonsense up"...i feel like i went back on what i said in that moment of weakness with him. i still dont want him to think things are getting back to normal.

it is scary though...mom warned me when this all started: if you let him go to do what he wants, he just may do that. i dont want to be viewed as that safe, definite jump-off, aka his steady, easy to coax booty call. i want him to get things together and work towards a common goal. im stuck...do i continue to show that weakness around him? or do i tough it out and suffer in the meantime...i really dont know what direction to take.

i cornered him outside when he was leaving and laid one of those long, deep kisses on him. i dont know if he was surprised or not, but it took everything in me to pull back. it could have gone a lot further and a lot deeper and this clearly would have been my fault, seeing as there was no alcohol in my system. this would have been a completely sober experience.

i guess now my heart is fighting with my head. my heart is desperate to get things back the way they were. my head knows better. i guess the Goldilocks effect isnt apparent in this entire situation, but at least the part that has always worked with us still does.

Breaking Loose

Nel will be here tomorrow to see the girls. i will be leaving tomorrow night to have a night on the town.

i havent had a break in a while. its difficult being with the baby 24-7, and sometimes i need a break badly. i told him when he comes up, be prepared to stay the night, because i dont plan on coming in at a decent hour. i deserve that. he said that all he does is work down there.

that, my friends, may be the case. but he has 3 things i dont have: money, a car, and no need for a babysitter, aka freedom. im too worn out to run to Wal-mart in the evenings, let alone fraternize with some of my girlfriends past 8.

im just tired in general. tired of living at my parents house, tired of being unemployed, tired of doing things alone. i appreciate the help i do get, but the help i am supposed to get? nonexistant. i see now why men leave. coming home to an angry, bitter, attention-starved woman like me would run the most Christian man into his mothers arms. im trying to get better, but it is taking longer than i expected.

part of me is still mad he has the easy end of this. sure, i could go on down there, try and force a smile on my face and pretend i wasnt betrayed, but that isnt me. i cant run back because im suffering in so many ways. my head tells me its the logical thing to do, but my heart and my soul tell me its still not fixed and i just cant put myself thru anymore.

right now i just plan to go out, have a few drinks, maybe flirt a little. i know my heart wont be in it completely, but i will just have to follow my head for once.

Out of all of us....

She thought it would have lasted a very long time.

"she" is Tee, one of my bff's from elementary school. hadnt talked to her for several months til today. she has been trying to stalk me like several other people in my life. i havent been one for much conversation recently, but she understood after she had heard what had been going on.

Tee was expressing her sympathy towards Grandma's passing, and asked me how things were since Nel had moved. i laughed softly and told her that we had split.

"You what? you split up?" she said, shocked. "But i thought, out of all of us..." her voice trailed off, and i could imagine her thru the phone, shaking her head in disbelief. i know what the rest of the sentence was: you would have lasted forever.

my girlfriends relationships run the gamut. some are rocky, some are still questioned, others are wonderful. somehow, we got categorized into the wonderful category. Nel and i, other than his habit of sharing our relationship details with his "female friends" never really discussed our relationship. or at least i didnt. i think that is why it came as such a shock to people. we werent the type to argue in public, or rant and rave to other people. if things didnt get worked out, they just didnt get worked out. end of story. other people werent involved. from the outside looking in things were...normal.

i hope that Tee never envied us. i hope nobody envied us. our relationship had its ups and downs like everyone elses does. it just goes to show you what happens behind closed doors can be far different from what you see on the outside.

The Next Time Around....

Dad said something to me that i didnt really like. he told me the next man i bring into Ari's life better be a permanant one.

he wasnt saying it to be rude, or hateful, or discouraging. if my relationship can be saved, he wants it saved. but on the chance it doesnt, he wants me to make sure his granddaughters dont get hurt.

my intentions as a parent, even though i started early in life, was to never hurt my child. i was very careful in the year and a half i was single before i met Nel to never expose her to anyone i dated. i felt as though i lucked up with him and didnt have to worry about things, i guess i felt like we would be together for a while and i wouldnt have to expose her to a "mommy is here, daddy is there" type of situation. so she is now close to a man who she considers her father (although i believe she knows he isnt) and, should i decide to date in the future, will now be exposed, along with Niecy, to mommy dating. i just dont like that. but its also something i guess i have to accept.

ive said before that i accept i might have to be alone. that "bad by myself" mentality continues to kick me in the ass. although it isnt an ideal situation, it might be realistic.

Nel and i talked last night for a while. i asked him when he came to see the girls again to try and stay the night so i could have a real break. he agreed, and then said he would try to give me some money. i said no, i dont need you to pay for me going out. and i dont. the only thing money-wise that i want from him is for Niecy. Ari doesnt require much, but the baby is expensive. thats all i ask, that he help with her expenses. of course, he goes into this speech about oh, well you must have found you a baller then, you dont need my money.

i get really tired of being accused of going after a "baller"...it was old the second time he mentioned it, and he has mentioned it a lot. i suppose i should start accusing him of seeing a supermodel now? a girl who can pay him ten times more attention than he got with me? that would be hard to do, but i guess if we are going after something better, thats what he should aim for.

another thing he said that seriously annoyed me was the implication that i wasnt accepting his attempts to fix things. "i have apologized, thats all i can do." really? that isnt all you can do. that would have worked the first time, but after this much damage, an apology is the least of my concern.

i dont even know where to begin! and frankly, it isnt my position to tell him what he needs to do. i guess i can try though...

1. GROW THE FUCK UP. this isnt about you anymore. this isnt about me anymore. you need attention? please. part of being a parent and an adult is sacrifice. that means if i am preoccupied and not paying you as much attention, you suck it up like a big boy and deal with it. i always have. your main concern is your child. not your dick or your ego.

2. LOOK AT THE FUTURE...everything you do and say affects the kids. do you really want me to tell them years down the road WHY mommy and daddy arent together? how do you think that is going to make you look...it hasnt occurred to you because you have both parents in your life. imagine if you mom told you that daddy left because he was unfaithful, or a liar. its one thing if you just grow apart and fall out of love, but there can be serious damage on the other hand.

3. LISTEN. and by listen i mean shut up and pay attention. everything you need to know is said out loud. if you dont understand, that means you arent listening good enough.

4. EARN THAT TRUST BACK. and honestly, i dont know what that will entail. ive been told countless times that you can learn to trust again. but how? i need help in that area, learning to take you at face value. i gave you the benefit of the doubt so much that the benefit has been completely depleted. there is nothing left but doubt.

5. APPRECIATE ME. and that means doing all of the above and then some. i got tired of being called your "girl" like we were in high school. what kind of shit is that? im 27, if i want to be someones girl, i will date a 20 year old. acknowledge the little things that i do. sometimes i would do things that would go completely unnoticed. i felt like a maid and nanny some days. i was faithful, a mother to your child, your backup when you needed it, your nurse, your secretary, why didnt that count for something? why didnt those things pop in your head when you were doing wrong?

6.REALIZE THAT IF I RETURN, THE NEXT TIME I LEAVE WILL BE PERMANENT. thats right. there is no next time if things get fixed. i am DONE. and in a way, i feel done now. the longer it takes to fix things this time around, the less hope i have that it needs to be fixed. i dont want the drama, the heartache, the distrust...it is just too too much.

DO RIGHT BY ME, OR NOT AT ALL.

Wishful Thinking

normally i have nothing to write about twice in one day. today i do.

i was already in a vulnerable mood about the whole 6 year anniversary thing. my sister told me to watch The Notebook...i declined. nobody in the house realized what today was but me. i dont think she would have suggested it if she had known.

this afternoon i got a text message that started a chain along these lines:

Nel: thanks for coming with me yesterday...miss us spending time together!

Me:well im glad you got to see the baby longer than usual.

Nel: is there any future for us... i miss u and the kids

Me: dont ever doubt that i love you. always have, always will. we have some serious work to do and i just dont know where to fix things...

Nel: love u

me: i know you do but you have to realize my heart cant take much more of this. things have to change one way or the other. point blank.

*sigh. i just dont know where to begin. i think i should probably just leave it alone....

Six

its just after midnight, Saturday morning, and i realized a minute ago, that today would be our six year anniversary.

friday was funeral day for his grandmother. unlike my grandmothers funeral, i made sure i made it to the funeral and spent time with his family. it was hard as usual, having to pretend i liked him sooo much while the relatives that know me continuously called me the wife/girlfriend. i ran out of ways to explain a kid does not make me a wife or girlfriend. that much is apparent in my life.

so six years, huh. thats a long time. hell, some couples meet, marry, and divorce in less than six years. it does make me sad to think things ended before this pivotal moment in the relationship. deep down inside i have a little person standing there yelling at me, "stop this! just forgive him and stop looking thru his stuff and work on things and just let him start over. you know you miss him, you know how stressful it is to be angry at him, so why put yourself thru all of this for nothing?"

on the other hand is the other person, who really wants to strangle the other little person. she constantly reminds me "he is a liar. he cheated, or at least was participating in the initial stages of cheating. he lied about everything, and continues to lie. he has never been honest with you, and you put up with that for so long. you are finally free of this nonsense, why go back? why turn back to the lies and cheating. screw being lonely, call a friend, email someone, do anything you can to move forward and show him it is very very possible for you to move on and that you have."

someone told me the other day that i needed to let Nel go. i thought i had done that, but in ways that only i know, i havent completely. sure, im not out dating, i dont think that is appropriate right after ending a relationship that long. i dont even feel like dating. i just want to chill and enjoy the drama-free part of life i have freed up. sure, there is still drama in my life, but this was a doozy, and cutting it off has been like ridding myself of a cancer. it isnt there to kill my spirit anymore.

what would we have done this anniversary? probably nothing. he has never remembered an anniversary. hell, he went out of town to a football game one year. about a week after, it usually hits him and he asks what we did, i dont know why, because we dont do anything. dont get me wrong, ive never been that girl that wanted to celebrate the 1/2 year anniversary of our first kiss or stick of gum or anything like that. but to actually remember and acknowledge how long i've been your "girl" would have been nice in the past. no dinner or anything, but just a kiss and maybe a card stating how much you appreciate me. i dont ask for the world. just 3 minutes of your time.

this year i will buy myself a card and tell myself how much i appreciate ME. because i deserve it. nobody can love me like me, right?

i guess this year i will really find out.

Tell it like it is

Nel's mom's birthday was Saturday, so his dad had a really nice cookout for her yesterday. Let me make one thing super clear: i love Nel's family. they are some of the nicest people i have ever met, and they make it known that i am family no matter what.

Hm. no matter what, huh? i assumed he had told his family about our split, seeing as how a week from now it will be going on three months. instead, i was introduced to some of his mom's friends as Nel's Girlfriend. this, after a kiss on the cheek in front of the family that i wanted to choke him over. did i think it was sincere? hell no.

i was livid about this. i figured after this long, one of the three people who knew would have accidentally or otherwise, told his parents. apparently, this has not happened yet. i smiled politely, shook hands and gave hugs, and gritted my teeth. i chose not to bring this up at the cookout. it wasnt the time nor the place for theatrics.

when i got home (after yet another "goodbye" kiss on the cheek in front of my parents...grrr) i decided to ask him why his parents had not been informed. after all, my picture graces three rooms in their house. and if we arent "together" they should have the right to decide whether they need glamour shots of me with the rest of their family. what happened was a series of texts that went like this...

me: why havent you told your parents about things yet?

Nel: what things....

me: what do you think? they dont know we split do they.

Nel: my sister knows, thats our business, why do they have to know

me: well i got real tired of people asking when i was moving down with you, and being introduced as your girlfriend.

Nel: I told her because seh asked. if you get tired of it, tell them you're not my girl anymore...

me: i didnt want to be rude while your mom was introducing me. its not my job to tell your parents. i told mines already. but if you want i can call your mom and answer all the questions she has about the situation...

Nel: Do what you do. Have fun with your new man, i know someone has scooped you up by now....

me: yeah between Kroger and Walmart i found someone. that and being sick for a week. just know that if anyone asks im telling them whats up. and im not lying for you either.

Nel:whatever. you are not going to ruin my day. we can talk about this some other time.

me: im not discussing it later. we arent going to get anywhere then either...

Nel: we could have talked about this earlier when you were here!

me: i wasnt going to talk about that with people around.

he then called me, and an hour-long arguement ensued. the usual was said, i was nosy, and it was pretty much all my fault for things happening. i didnt like to cook or clean, i didnt pay him enough attention. i called it how i saw it. regardless of whether he ever did anything with the girl, his track record was shit. how was i supposed to believe him when i had been lied to so many times.

as it stands now, he wanted to try and get me a car. not interested. he is getting an apartment in the next few weeks. good for you, not moving in. i have never asked him for anything, and i never will. he mentioned how my "pride" is always in the way, i never want help, ask for help, need help. what is so wrong with that? apparently, a lot.

Thats not what friends are for...

my experience with Nel was that he was never going anywhere. ever. i notice that with a lot of men. the relationship has soured or hit a rough patch, but they are going to be there until the end. truthfully, even though they think that makes them seem like the "better/stronger one" since they were the ones who were left, it is the exact opposite. i tried so many times to take time out away from my relationship, and i was always greeted with "well im not going anywhere." lets face it. our friends and family know us. they are going to know whose fault it is no matter who left who. so sticking it out is just dragging out the inevitable.

nel has said on more than one occasion that i run from problems. its true at times. i have, many times, gotten in my car and just left. usually i would come home, because it is the one true place i can unwind and think clearly. i never came running to tell a situation or ask for advice, because i knew what it would lead to. i dont believe in asking people about most relationship situations. male or female. it causes problems in more ways than one. Nel has on several occasions, mentioned problems to some of his female friends. BIG NO-NO.

i am a woman, so i know what is going thru this "friends" mind. "hmmm. shorty isnt handling her business at home...so let me make sure he knows he can count on me for support" also translated into "this dumb b*tch, he came running to ME when she messed up...let me plant my seeds so that when things go downhill for real i can slide on in." why dont men understand that scheme?

i have been that woman. or girl anyway. when i was right out of high school, one of my best male friends was dating this girl who was just awful. i looked better than her and just knew the moment she messed up, she would lose him. sure enough, they had a huge fight, and who did he call? me. dont get me wrong, i truly cared for this guy. it wasnt just a "haha i won" type of deal. we had a strong relationship to begin with. he started off telling me how xyz had happened, and they were over for good. i listened patiently, interjected with an occasional "oh she shouldnt have done that..." and provided one hell of a shoulder to lean on. by being that 100% team member, he developed feelings for me beyond the friendship role i slid into. he never saw it coming. if he had any doubts in his mind about his initial decision to end things, i certainly killed them the moment they popped up. it was high school after all. we ended up dating for a while. he is the "run away to florida with me" person from "only the lonely part 2", so you know how strong that relationship was.

fellas...does your "female friend" say things like "oh thats wrong" or "i would never do that!" or "that is just trifling" or "you deserve better"?? if she is single, its a set up. POINT BLANK. she doesnt care about you or what is going on. she saw an opening and headed straight for it. it doesnt matter that maybe you over reacted, and things can be fixed. in her eyes, it is over, or at least you are "taking a break" and can interact/date/sleep with her. and the same goes for that "friend" who wants to call you and complain about what her man is doing wrong. HELL NO... i had to speak to Nel about that too.

once again, i am a woman. so i know the routine. "so-and-so, my man is sooo mean to me. he did this and that, i just dont know what i should do..." are you kidding me? why are you calling your "guy friend" about your man? unless he is laying some serious smackdown on her, that is what her girlfriends are for! of course, you guys just eat it up. "i wouldnt treat you like that" and "man, maybe you should move on" is code for "drop that loser, i can take better care of you".

now the extra smart chick has this covered from both angles. she is in a relationship, AND is your confidante when your main squeeze is acting up. so when you call her with that "Bee is acting up, what would you do?" type of deal, she reacts swiftly because it seems she is "untouchable" and only has your best interest at heart. "really? oh well she shouldnt do that. i treat MY man like this..." perfect set up. now you have a list of things that Bee isnt doing like your friend is. doesnt matter if she is lying or not. then she has the perfect reason to call you back..."well Bob isnt doing this, or he did this and i dont know what to do?" you react with a feeling of owing her for helping you thru your "problems"...the moment you start helping, you are in major trouble. she is going to throw out things like "i know you would never do that. i dont understand why your girl is treating you this way! here i am in a relationship and i do everything my man wants, and your girl doesnt appreciate what she has..." Wifey, you are done. she has done the one thing you do when you want someone elses man: stroke that ego. he gets to thinking "hell yeah, im a good dude, i deserve better than that. someone like my friend over here." oh, dear. you are about to cheat on your main squeeze with a girl that sure as hell could be lying about her poor man. he doesnt have a clue...

so i guess the point im trying to make overall is communication. that, and privacy. dont go running your mouth everywhere about your problems. dont communicate with the opposite sex about your problems...unless it is maybe a family member. now im not saying you cant talk to anyone EVER of the opposite sex, because there are some good people out there who want to help you, not help themselves. think long and hard before you pick up that phone to call or text. think about what message you are sending out. the other person will pick up on the situation better than you think. if you want to vent, write a letter, go for a ride and talk to yourself. but never let anyone poisonous into your head. once they get in, they will lay out the blueprint for bigger, worse problems that they have no intention of helping you thru at all...

Mr. Telephone Man...

hmm. no contact for a few days. just a few random texts and calls to talk to the girls. i find that strange, mainly because usually it was ten calls a day.

now, i have never been "that girl", the one who calls you and asks where you are. i also dont feel the need to call you during the day PERIOD. i like talking on the phone to my girlfriends, many a night has been burned up running off at the mouth with P and D, but not with my man. i mean, its all good at the beginning when you dont really want to be all up in each others face 24/7. but once we are in a relationship, especially living together, i dont want to talk to you.

i remember back in '04 i think. i was working as a rep for TMobile, making peanuts, and desperate to find another job. Nel had left on a Thursday to chaperone a marching band trip to Atlanta with his friend. i got a call for a job interview early that Friday, and hopped out of bed, threw on that business suit, and ran out. when i got back to the car, i had 34 missed calls. thats right, 34. one was from mom, one from my cousin, and the other 32? you guessed it.

well since he was out of town i assumed something was wrong. from the number of calls i figured the bus had run off the road. i called him back frantic. and what i got was a conversation something like this:

Me: hey whats wrong?
Him: nothing. where are you?
Me: wait, what do you mean nothing...
Him: i been calling you.
Me: um, yeah, 32 times.
Him: i didnt call you no 32 times.
Me: funny, because i had 34 missed calls and only two of them were NOT you.
Him: whatever. where you been?
Me: for your information i had a job interview at 830 this morning.
Him: you didnt mention that.
Me: yeah well they called at 8 and i told them i would come straight over.
Him: why didnt you tell me?
Me: like i said. i had 5 minutes to get ready and i just left. i wasnt thinking to call you ALL THE WAY IN ATLANTA and tell you i had a job interview.
Him: thats disrespectful, blah blah, you are so inconsiderate...(insert random nonsense here)
Me: look. dont call me no damn 32 times over some bullsh*t.

if im lying, im flying.

since i am not that girlfriend who feels the need that every time you take a breath, wipe your behind, blink, or clear your throat, that you have to call and let me know, i expect the SAME THING. looking back, that wasnt the only time it happened. i have never once asked why a phone call wasnt returned or answered. i have been called inconsiderate, cheater, liar, you name it, just because i have not stopped in the MIDDLE of what i was doing to answer his phone calls. he even mentioned it when he got caught messing with old girl a few months ago. "well sometimes i call and you dont answer the phone. how am i supposed to know what you are doing?" i dont need to tell you how much offense i took off that comment. dude what? well, i guess now i know what you were doing when i called and you didnt answer. so for all the good girls who have been asked that question, let me answer it for your man.

where was i when i didnt answer your phone call? i was on the other line with the doctor who was calling in a prescription for your sick child, washing dishes, outside at the car, upstairs giving the kids a bath, in the car driving, vacuuming, in walmart making groceries for you to eat and couldnt get a signal, washing your clothes, trying to fit in 4 seconds to pee, playing a Barney tape for the 7th time today so that i could get some things done, at work, on a job interview, went to get the mail, left the phone in the car while i ran in cvs, turned it off so i could go in the bank, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, cooking dinner so you had a meal to come home to, on a conference call, in school at a PTA meeting, picking the kids up from the sitter, yelling at the kids, or sitting by myself in a corner upstairs near tears because i feel like im doing this alone...thats where the hell i was. you pick one and tell me when the hell i had time to mess around...

the moral of this story is that you cant let anyone shift the blame in the relationship. i am a victim of that to the very end. not only is it disrespectful, but it can cause unwarranted doubt in your mind. i actually thought maybe it was inconsiderate to have not taken 3 seconds to let him know i was leaving, and then i thought better. i dont care if i had been married. i would have handled the situation the exact same way.

i miss you

yep. the night after ILY, he told me he missed us. me in particular. once again, i shut him down with an "ok, goodnight"....

why is it that people cant take responsibility for their actions? if you messed around and got caught, dont pull that "i miss you" bull. really? you do? did you miss me when you were with the other person? i bet i didnt even cross your mind.

i am a good person. i dont steal, i dont drink and beat my kids, i dont cheat people...i just live my life the best i can and expect to be treated that way. is it too much to ask to be told the truth from time to time? i know it will hurt my feelings. but im a big girl now, and big girls need to receive that respect.

so instead of missing me, how about you respect me, as the mother of your child, as a black woman, and for just being me. i miss THAT.

I just called, to say...you know the rest.

yesterday while i was feeding the baby Nel called. we spoke for a minute and then i passed the phone off to Ari. i find it easier to do that, because it is hard to talk to him. i try to be formal, courteous even, but it just brings back memories.

once she was done, he wanted to talk to me again, but since i was busy i told her to tell him i would call him back later.

i called him right as i was getting in bed. he just wanted to say goodnight, and that he missed us and would like to work on things. i reminded him that things are the way they are because of him. i felt it was only fair. i dont think i should get the bad rap because i didnt just push the issues under the rug. my mom didnt raise me like some women are: "all men cheat/lie and its okay. you just ignore it and things will be fine." oh hell no.

i think back to what my dad had talked about the other day, that anybody not married was fair game in this world. one thing i neglected to ask him was the steps to take if you are the one getting "cheated" on. i guess now i realize there is no step. you either have them, or you don't. and once you realize that you don't have them, you have to leave and keep on with your life. if they decide to return, well, its up to you to decide whether they deserve you or not.

when we were hanging up, i had a feeling he would say it. chalk it up to knowing him for six years. he said goodnight, i said goodnight, and then he paused before he said "i love you"...

i said ok, goodnight, and hung up. cold? maybe. but in my book you cant throw an ILY up in a situation after your repeated actions clearly give the impression that you dont...

The power of prayer

managed to get to church this morning. one of my new years resolutions this year was to manage to have my behind in somebodys church on Sunday mornings.

as i was sitting, waiting for service to start, i turned around and saw a young couple walk in together. it was very sweet, his hand at the small of her back, leading her thru the crowd. i teared up a little bit. i remember being in love that first year, that brand new love. it sits on you so thick that people who dont know you can see it.

i let myself drift back six years ago when i found myself falling in love. the very beginning of relationships are both scary and fascinating. you find yourself nervous about what to let the other person know, because you dont want to be judged. the slightest touch from the other person sends chills down your back. the sexual tension is amazing.

i miss that. how hard is it to start all over again?

What do you mean, he isn't coming??

Nel and i had a bit of a disagreement tonight. actually, i am going to say he had the disagreement.

he was coming up today to see the girls and handle some business. traffic in his neck of the woods was awful so he decided to come tomorrow. he called to tell Ari goodnight, and that he would see her when he came back up tomorrow, but i told him i wasnt going to tell her. he wondered why i wouldnt tell her, and i explained that i didnt want to disappoint her if something came up and he didnt make it. I must have phrased it badly, because he got upset and snippy with me.

what i think he doesnt realize, is that we grew up with both our fathers in our lives. our parents have both been married around 30 years, so when dad said he was going to do something, we never thought twice. i think its hard for us to understand what its like being separated from a parent, and then being told something great is going to happen, and then having that major upset. and who is to blame? dad is. (or mom, depends on the situation...) Ari is one of those kids who you can't tell ahead of time when there is a party, trip, etc. because every ten minutes is another question. One time Nel couldnt make it up and she was majorly upset. i understood why he couldnt come. any adult could understand. but she whined and cried and was so devastated, that i decided then and there, that i wouldnt ever tell her when he is coming. i also dont tell her when i am coming to eat lunch with her. its the same situation. she is a kid you kinda have to surprise. and i cant imagine once Niecy is old enough and the same situation occured...then i would have two crying faces to explain that to.

he called me back and apologized, i think he gets it now...so if things go crazy and he doesnt make it up here tomorrow, she will be none the wiser...

today was a crazy day. i was here alone, for the first time in weeks. the baby and i laid back down after breakfast and getting Ari on the bus. i woke up before she did, and i was just...lonely. nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, of course i have friends who easily fill that void, but its not the same. after you have been with someone for so long, you get used to having that conversation all the time. im getting used to being by myself, but i dont like it.

im not rushing out and doing anything to "fix" it, as one friend calls it. i dont want to date. i dont want any "friends with benefits", i want to be either completely happy, or completely alone. right now, i guess i have to be completely alone. i guess i should use this time to find myself, but even once that is all done, there is nobody to share it with. i dont want to be one of those women who just have to have a man. it doesnt matter if they are miserable, or on different pages, or complete opposites, they feel they are completed by having a man in their life. i guess im trying to find out what it is to be complete without one. its a tough goal to reach if you havent been alone in a while. i just pray for strength and patience, and know that what is meant to be, will be. no matter what the situation or circumstance.

Dr. Phil lives with me

Dad was off today and so we followed our usual Monday routine on Tuesday. we watched Dr. Phil and then Maury, and discussed at length.

we came to a discussion that had been started long ago but never completed: what right does a woman have in pursuing a man who is already taken? and by taken, we were excluding married men.

my opinion was this: none. i cant see myself helping another man cut out on a woman he is involved with. i know girls that do this without a single shred of guilt. Dad felt that i have just as much right to this man as his girlfriend/fiancee/baby mama. shocked? i know i was.

he said that any man or woman is fair game if they arent married. and if you want them to NOT be fair game, some rings need to be exchanged. he said you never know when someone might be meant for you, but they are involved with someone else. i agreed, but also pointed out that before it gets to a sexual or serious nature, you should have the decency to step back and say "you know what, i am really feeling you, but you have someone. so if you want to leave her and be with me, thats fine, but im not crossing that line". im not encouraging people to leave their partners, but if you wanted to be with me and had someone, you owe her the decency to not be a bastard/whore in the process and let that person go. Dad kinda threw me off even more when he said that unless you are married to that person, you shouldnt go after the person they are messing with. you take that up with your partner.

now he also pointed out that once you are married?? well hell, if that person crosses that line, its game on. call her and tell her that he/she needs to back off. tell your partner to cut it or be cut.

after Dr Phil went off, we watched Maury. we love Maury. its the only show where 1000% means anything...

Maury is truly like watching a parade of sluts, whether its the man with 4 kids he is denying that are ALL the same age, or the woman on the stage for the 8th time looking for her child's father. it just never ends, and says a lot for American culture. premarital sex used to be an issue. now, i think its crossed the line to promiscuous.

fictional Maury guest Bob: how on earth do you cheat on your wife and they say you love her? once is not acceptable, but it can be worked out. mistakes happen. drunkenness happens. caught up in the moment happens. but twice a week, in her bed, while she is at work, for 3 years? YOU DO NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN. you are a coward who is scared to tell her that you want to move on and do other things/people. you might have decent reasons to stay anyway, like the overwhelming amount of money in child support you will be paying, but you need to be true to yourself.

fictional guest Mary: girl are you kidding...once you let him stay after the second time you caught him cheating, its a wrap. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. and if he does, he has a sexual addiction or something he needs to work out. Dr Phil says you teach people how to treat you. and when you give chance after chance after UNDESERVED chance, that man knows that you wont be leaving anytime soon, if at all. he will continue to stray, and you wont learn your lesson until he ends up giving you aids or something.

that is how i came to my conclusion to part ways with Nel. i had showed him how to treat me. i let things slide and was not true to myself. i didnt like what was going on, and he knew it, and i completely relapsed into thinking he would change. has he learned his lesson? only he knows, but i know i dont see any evidence yet.

the best thing dad told me today was this: you cant change a man. you can stick around and give him some time, but he has to figure out what he needs to change, and if he thinks you are worth it, and cannot live his life without you, he WILL change. if he doesnt? well you know where you stand...

Missing

Nel called this evening to tell the girls goodnight. i was in here, at my wits end, with a migraine brought on by who knows what. i had emailed him yesterday and told him to let me know when he thought he was coming back up this way to see the girls. i desperately need a break.

i know he is unhappy because he is missing so much, but he is missing more than he realizes. he misses all the bad things too, like helping with homework (not necessarily bad but it can be a headache), changing pampers, giving baths, feeding them, loading them up to take them places...its hard. it really takes a toll on you as a person. parenthood is not a one person job. it is a two person job, and hell, somedays you need three people. i am not judging him for taking the job down in va beach, because at the time i was intending to possibly go down there myself. but i still feel like im here alone. sure, there is a house full of people, but it doesnt take the place of someone else being there, rubbing your back at night, running you a bath to kick back in, or make up a silly drink with the corner of vodka and rum you have collecting dust on the counter. its those little things that count. so everyone is losing out in the end. he misses the girls, i miss the support, the girls miss dad.

mom mentioned that the other day, that he was missing so much. and i told her that i was not going to put myself back into a relationship that needs severe work and move down there just to resolve that. i understood when we got together that his career takes up a lot of time. i also lived with him thru the times when we had no money because his job wasnt paying enough, and he was searching for anything to make more. im not completely naive about these things but it still doesnt make things any easier.

i dont know what the solution to this problem is. im sure he has no clue either. it seems to me that it is one of those things that works itself out in the end. but i hope there is no damage done in the meantime...

Only the lonely, part 5: the finale

the call came a few days after the big split: grandma wasnt expected to make it thru the night.

we had been expecting it, she was diagnosed with cancer in 07, and for the months preceeding the call, i had spent lots of time with her and helping to take care of her. she was terminally ill, so i knew i had to make the most of what i had left with her.

many days i would put the baby in her carrier, and we would ride to her house, she would be sitting in the corner by the tv commenting on Emeril or watching the religious channel. i would do her laundry, or help with her physical therapy. some days she wouldnt do much talking, but others she would have me cracking up with her quick sense of humor. it was a welcome break from sitting in the apartment waiting for Nel to come home so i could have time to myself. it was heartbreaking to see a woman so meek and mild suffer like she did. but i had one thing that she had given me that will always live on: her personality. we were the most passive people anyone could hope to meet, and i knew that when she passed i had to fulfill that legacy.

i texted everyone about a week later to let them know she had passed in her sleep. it was a difficult time for me. a major breakup, and then her passing on top of it all. i couldnt eat or sleep for days. the one time in my life when i needed Nel the most, i couldnt stand him. i had to tough it out on my own. and i was mad about that. it wasnt fair.

once things settled down, he asked if he could come take me to dinner. i agreed and we had a pleasant evening out. he apologized again, still trying to see what he could do to fix things. and i let him know a lot of damage had been done, some that might never be the same. i simply wanted to know WHY? i couldnt believe the answer i got.

He wasnt getting enough attention. i absorbed it all in shock: i hadnt been talking or paying him any mind so he had to seek it elsewhere. although it was true, i was appalled at his reasoning. i ran down the list of what had been going on with me: a dying grandmother, losing my job, having a baby, still having to take care of Ari on top of things. how did he expect me to act? my mind was in 4 places at once. i barely remembered to eat during that few months, let alone check and see if he was getting the "attention" he needed. i laughed (not because it was funny, but to cool my nerves before saying something very evil) and asked if we had gone on with the wedding, would he still have looked for attention elsewhere? he said no. that, my friends, was a major problem.

how can you not treat someone who is the mother of your child, and in a relationship with you for almost 6 years, with the respect of a spouse? that should have made no difference. anything i would do married, i would do single, and vice versa. he doesnt know how close he was to getting walked out on.

then i did something i shouldnt have done: i slept with him. what the hell was i thinking? i wasnt. the whole time we were having sex, i kept thinking about her, and whether or not she'd had what i was having right then.

things evened out over the next several weeks. and then, he asked me to come down and stay with him, his brother and sister in law for a few days. things were nice the first few days. once again, i slept with him, deep down knowing i shouldnt. i was giving him his cake to both have and eat. after a few days i did it again. i checked his phone.

boy, you would think after all that had happened, he would have cut her off quick. but he hadnt. still texting, still conversating. i asked him to tell the truth and let me know if he had stopped. of course, he lied. he said he hadnt talked to her in almost a month and a half. but i knew from the phone logs that there were several conversations with her. it seemed like everytime i let my guard down and tried to trust him, he messed things up all over again.

he didnt realize that there was only one thing he needed to do to "fix things", and that was to cut off all ties (and i meant ALL) with her. he couldnt figure that out for himself. and so i came back home, more depressed than before.

that brings us up to now. the past five entries have been 6 years in a nutshell. as of today, we still dont talk much. Ari calls him at night, he checks on them during the day via text messages. things are formal between us. i know he still talks to the girl (not assume, or guess...i know for a fact. i am sooo smart). i hope she was worth it.

im not interested in dating AT ALL these days. it has left a bad taste in my mouth. i just want to get over the hump that life has sitting before me, grow up a little more, and move on. i find myself being bombarded with people that found out about the split and want second chances, but i dont want to start anything new at this point. i just want to be alone. and that is exactly what i got, except not the way i wanted it.

only the lonely, part 4

the 4th isnt a big holiday for my family. that day, we decided to just throw some things on a grill and eat. nothing major. Nel came thru, he was leaving that next day to start the new job and wanted to spend some time with us.

i went inside to check on the girls. when i entered the den, my eyes were immediately drawn to his cell phone. it wasnt my intention going in that day to check but something told me to. and so i did.

what i found was the remaining messages of what seemed to be a lengthy conversation with a girl i had discovered before. the message i found in the preceeding months was disturbing to me: one that ended with "Miss you! xoxoxoxoxo"...when i confronted him, i was given an excuse of her being an old friend, blah blah. i tried to explain that "old friends" dont end their text messages the way you would end one to a girlfriend/wife, with kisses and hugs? really? of course, i was "overreacting", and if you ask me, i underreacted. how dare i ask you to respect me and not deal with other females like that...what on earth is my problem...

the new messages sealed the deal for me. whatever picture messages had been deleted was surely something scandalous and x rated. comments were made about size, "handling" things, and a question from her for him to come over. he had responded yes.

i sat on that couch and i think time froze. what had always been a deep rooted suspicion was now basically dead in my face. it hadnt stopped. i dont know why i thought it would, he had never said he was wrong, he had apologized because i mentioned it, and he sure didnt say he would cut ties with her. what was i expecting?

i dont know how i made it thru the rest of the day. he noticed my cool demeanor and asked what was wrong, but with my parents and sisters so close, i didnt want to start a scene. i waited until he left and pounded out this letter:

nel,
i have a lot on my mind right now...so i am going to make this quick. as of right now, i have stopped all searching for a job in Va Beach. i dont think i will be moving down there. i know you want to know why, and let me tell you. i am not moving away from my family and my help to go down there deal with an unfaithful partner. i already know, i know who it is, and details of when you were going to go see her, and different things like that. i told you the last time, that it was the last time. im not tolerating it anymore. i guess i have just wasted six years, which is okay, i got a beautiful child out of the deal. i dont ask anything of you. ANYTHING.

i have given you my best, i have given you my all, i have sacrificed more than you know to be with you and be there for you. you have never once had to wonder if i was faithful to you. i have had numerous occasions where i have had to wonder and worry about what you were doing out with who. the condoms, the pictures, the letters, the text messages...are you kidding me? would you have stayed with me with this blatant obvious evidence in your face? hell, you broke up with me when i had no job...if this was sitting in your face you would leave too. i let it slide when you consistently carried condoms everywhere out of town with you. i let it slide when you had a conversation at 4am with another woman and conversated about your dick with her. i let it slide the first fucking text message with Tee that had xoxoxo at the bottom. i let it slide when some girl mailed you a letter about how in love with you she was. i let it all slide. now i have to find you talking about your equipment passing inspection, and what i guess was a picture of her who was wet and juicy and you couldnt wait to see/try it, whatever. and then the little meeting you two scheduled. wow. why didnt i leave you the first time? i feel like a complete fool. you knew i would be checking up on you again, and if you didnt, i dont know what you were thinking. you would do the same. and if you wouldnt do the same after finding something like that about me, i would say you are in denial. or you were doing your own thing and didnt care. you have lied about so much. i am tired of being lied to. TIRED. any woman with sense would have left years ago.

you obviously dont mind hurting me, after all i have been thru. dont give me that bullshit about your privacy. when you are putting what is supposed to be mines into someone else, or in a picture to someone, or talking about it to someone, it is officially my business. it is my business when you risk exposing me to an std. it is my business when we had a child together. you are letting some woman who does not care about you, ruin your family, your life, a relationship that i had thought at one point would last for a very long time. do you think she cares? hell no. any real woman who knows you have a family would not risk you losing all that if she cared about you. your previous bullshit is why i have to check on things. i know they say when you go looking for something you find exactly what you are looking for. i was looking for a reason to not have to do this. i was looking for a reason to pack my kids up and move to the beach. i was looking for a reason to ignore all the other shit youve done and trust you. i havent trusted you for a while now. it is nobody's fault but your own. i dont think im overreacting. i think im protecting myself and the girls. why cant you act right for the girls? you act like they mean so much to you but you do this?? i am so numb right now i cant even cry. and i havent cried. i dont think i will because deep down i think i saw this coming and had to wait things out until i saw for sure what i felt in my heart was going on. i am giving you what you want. if you want to go be with Tee, do what you do. i dont care anymore because i am thru. let her know you are a free man now! she can do what she wants with you, to you, send you pictures, its not my business anymore. you took my kindness for weakness, and now i have to show you how strong i can be. didnt think i would leave, did you? now you know. i guess this is the price i pay for loving you. there is nothing to discuss. dont call me. dont text me. dont come by. seriously. i am not playing or joking in any way. i will contact you.

Bee

within minutes of finishing, i texted him and told him to read his email when he got home. he responded immediately. i was on the phone with my bff and telling her what had happened when he came back to the house. what happened after that was a two hour long discussion about what i had seen, what it meant, how i wanted to find it, and how i was going to think what i wanted to think no matter what was truly going on.

i was personally insulted. i didnt make any of these things up. i wasnt "seeing" anything. it was right there, front and center, cold hard evidence. he told me he hadnt gone to see her, that he had come to see us that night, but he hadnt spent the night with us, so that meant nothing to me. i didnt yell, i didnt scream, i just stated my case and left it at that.

i couldnt believe almost 6 years of a relationship could be wasted like that. over a woman that didnt care about him. that much was obvious, no woman worth anything would assist in ruining a mans family like that. he didnt see it that way. til the very end he denied it all. i got a half-assed apology out of the deal. i never truly believed that apology. it was more of a "sorry i got caught" type of deal, not a "oh my god please dont end things like that". i got the feeling that he almost knew it was coming, or had been playing the field so long that he was already prepared if he was caught.

when he finally left that evening, i sat in the floor and cried. a hundred different things were racing thru my mind. relief, that it was over; sadness that he would let that come between us; anger that i had been his fool for so long; bitterness, that another woman had meant more to him than i used to; disbelief, that he let things continue with her, knowing the consequences. it hurt my heart that after all the sacrifices and honesty and faithfulness i had given, it was so easy for him to betray me. i knew more than he thought i knew, though. i knew there had been actual conversations with her, so it wasnt a sex thing. he let her have his mind, not just his body. see, people dont understand that...

if i were to go out, and meet up with an ex or meet someone new, and decide i want to get physical with them, thats all that is going to happen. there are no conversations. i am not letting you get inside my head like that, i dont care how you are, or what your day was like. im not in this for a relationship. im in it for the sex. in this case, since he was talking to her almost every other day, there was the beginning of a relationship of sorts. and once she knew he would go out of his way to keep it from me, she knew it was game on. if he doesnt care, why should i? i can make my move at his most vulnerable point and he wont be able to tell the difference. but see, im a woman. i know the rules of this game that so many men fall victim to. i have played it before. successfully, too.

i thought that this would really be it, and that i could attempt to start doing something for myself and the girls. but the worst was yet to come...

Only the lonely, part 3

two pink lines...

who would have imagined after a nice round of sangria, we would manage to get pregnant. in the weeks between conception and discovery, i was a raging bitch. i couldnt stand the sight of Nel. his smell made me nauseous. hearing his voice annoyed the crap out of me.

things didnt change in the months to come. he did more bullshit, and played it like i was overreacting. i was a hormonal mess, finding myself several times wondering how i let myself get pregnant by someone who would treat me this way... i was no better than the countless number of women i shook my head at in similar situations. i got tired of crying in secret. i would go to the ladies room at work or my office and just sit in the dark, but it was something i couldnt let anyone else see.

you see, as a black woman, and as a pregnant woman, i was faced with a dilemma: as a black woman, i was supposed to be tough and not let things get me down. and as a pregnant woman, i was supposed to let everything out. i chose to let it all out in secret. nobody knew the whole pregnancy what was going on.

by this time, including all the medical issues i had going on, i was miserable. pregnancy was supposed to be a time to enjoy the life growing in me, and i did enjoy it, but with the work drama and home drama and not to mention my parents disappointment, i didnt know what to do. i felt like i spent the whole nine months alone. Nel worked late and spent time with his coworkers more after work, while i sat at home alone. when he was at home, we didnt do much talking, but he found time to text awfully sweet messages to a friend of his...the likes of which i hadnt seen in months. i went to my appointments alone, looking jealously at the scores of fathers who decided they wanted to tag along and be supportive. i wanted out. out of being pregnant, being a mother, being a signifigant other.

coming closer to the end, i knew i had some decisions to make, but they were never made. after having Nisa and losing my job within a month, any plans i had of moving onwards and upwards were crushed. i started to plan around my income tax check, looking at apartments to see if they would take a full 6 months rent in advance without running any kind of credit check on me. i knew it would be hard but i wanted it so bad i could taste it. i couldnt take anymore. when that fell thru as well, i was close to giving up.

eventually, we had to leave the apartment. he went to stay with a friend before moving on to Va Beach to start a new job. i took up a post on my moms couch. he kept asking me if i wanted to look for a job down there, and at first i was all for it. i had nothing to lose, literally. but in the back of my head, this nagging feeling kept poking at me. and so i asked the lord to show me what i needed to know before uprooting my girls and moving to a new area. he showed me on the 4th of July.

Only the lonely, part 2

the next few weeks were full of dinner dates, some with Ari, some without. he absolutely loved her when they met, she was one going on two and was a fun addition to our outings. even from the beginning people mistook her for his daughter, and most of the time he would laugh it off with a thank you.

things weren't as swell at home. we were bumping heads constantly, and my parents felt it would be in my best interest to move out. i was heated at first, my job sucked big time, i would bring home about $700 a month, not even close to what i needed to make to get my own place. by then, Nelly and i had been together for about two months. since he had just gotten his apartment, he invited me to move in. i was skeptical at first, not because of him, or the situation, but because we hadn't known each other nearly long enough to move in together. i cared a lot for him, and i assumed he did as well but i would hope that it wouldn't ruin the way things were.

it worked out okay for a while. the rent was cheap, the apartment was cute, we had company come over all the time, celebrated his 25th birthday that following February. we got to know the lady at the Chinese restaurant up the road very well. all in all, things were going pretty well.

eventually, the stress of my bad job started to catch up with us. i searched high and low for a new job so that i could contribute more. the lack of me being able to help out more combined with me not being the "housewifey type" started to wear on him. since i had never lived with anyone before i wasn't exactly familiar with how different things were delegated. i had been messy and unorganized my whole life and felt it needed to be accepted. what i failed to realize was that since i wasn't bringing in as much money, he felt i should do more around the house. he said as much, i think the exact quote was if he wasn't getting anymore help, he might as well do it himself. when he got home the next night, i was packing my mothers car with my and Ari's things.

as far as i was concerned, i was done. if it had to be that way, then oh well. i had done my part, uneducated as i was on this step in a relationship, i felt i was right. he called begging for forgiveness within a matter of days. i still didn't go back. i ended up getting a very good job in the next few days.

now throughout all of this, i always had questions of certain activities that went on. i never could prove anything 100% so i was constantly berated for checking behind him, going thru this things...a lot of the time it was right there in the open where anyone would have been able to see them. my women's intuition was not tingling, it was on fire. but i ignored it.

fast forward about a year. i was still back at home. we were working on things. we decided to move back in together, i was at my wits end living with my parents again, he was driving way out to work, so we decided to meet somewhere halfway and find somewhere. i was eager to get things together again, so that i could try and do things better than before. it started out well, we got a great place that we loved, Ari loved it too. we always had a party going on, friends stayed over frequently, and our jobs were going well. we started looking for jobs closer to home, this was right around the time that gas was starting to go up. it made sense for at least one of us to work closer, he found a job about ten minutes away, and i found one that paid more. within 2 months, i was laid off. and in a move i still don't understand, he quit his job. when you go from making close to 50k a year, to absolutely nothing in a matter of a month, it is a crucial reality check. not to mention certain "activities" had resumed.

i could never figure out what i was doing wrong. besides the fact that i didn't like cleaning up (our place was never dirty, it could have used a good organizational session, but was always neat enough for company.) i did whatever he asked. mentally i felt like we were equals. i never experienced that with a partner before. we could talk for hours on end about anything and i loved that. physically we were both still in pretty good shape, i had picked up a little weight, but he loved it on me so i kept things the way they were. sexually, well, things were 110% in that department. i was told by him that things were great and he would NEVER have to go anywhere else. hm.

...but emotionally? at times i felt completely played. an argument about anything (the dishwasher wasn't loaded right, a bounced check, shoes in the living room floor...etc) was draining. i found myself over and over again wanting OUT. if i could just get time away from him, i could think things thru, and put everything i had known/found out about him on a table somewhere and think. i couldn't think with him around. it was like reading the newspaper with someone hanging over your shoulder. i put on a good front for family. no one was the wiser. it was around that time i made a crucial mistake: i mentioned marriage.

don't get me wrong. at that point, we had been together for about 3 years. i have never been that kind of girl to crave a wedding. it just had gotten to the point where, if all these suspicious things were going on, was i wasting time in this relationship? was he serious about me? did he have any plans on EVER marrying me? of course, he took it like any man does. i was pressuring him, and he didn't want to be rushed. i didn't want a date set, i wanted to know what his intentions were, but i dropped the subject. he didn't forget though, and the damage was done. i think that is when things took another turn.

in 05, he went out of town to bike week with his friends from college. i felt like it was an unnecessary trip, due to money issues he almost couldn't go, but someone said they would loan him the money, so he went. i personally felt insulted that he would make that much effort to go out of town to bike week. where were all these "loans" when your car note was late and i had to pay it? or the rent was due? or for my birthdays? promises of half naked girls and cars did the trick though...but i was being "that girlfriend", the one who didn't understand all his friends were going and that he wanted to go too. of course i understood that, i have a child. i understand "all my friends are..." kids say it all the time. i made up my mind a few hours after he left, that i was going to go stay with my parents for a while. i should have left when i planned, because he made it back early. he saw the suitcases, a hellified argument ensued, and he stormed out.

i should have left anyway. but i didn't. i stayed. to this day i wish i had still rolled those suitcases out to my car and left.

we ended up moving out of those apartments and stayed with friends of his for a while. it simply added to the hell and heartache i endured for him. the situation was bad enough to write a completely different story about, but lots of lessons were learned and things started to work out, again. sort of. we moved a block from my parents house around that Christmas, had new jobs, new outlooks, promised to each other and ourselves that things would never get that bad again. we were wrong...

looking back, i notice times where things weren't 50/50. honesty, faithfulness, efforts. sure, i didn't like washing dishes, but it wasn't a deal breaker. i might like to shop and buy things i didn't necessarily need, but i bought things for him. i might have had lonely nights while he went out with friends, but i was here when he got home. he never had to worry about me. i could never say the same.

i told him not too long ago about an ex i had. he was perfect in every way possible, and we had stopped dating a good while before Nelly and i met. this ex wanted to get married. he wanted to swoop Ari and i up and whisk us down south, where his job had transferred him. he would buy a house, another car for me, help me finish school down there, he had a serious master plan. but we had been through so much, that i decided to take a break and see how things would work out. when i met Nelly, i decided to give him a chance and see if life maybe had other things in store for me. i was only 21 at that time, and leaving my friends and family for a new life 3 states away scared me. where is the ex now? still living down there, dating a girl who isn't me. she has the life i would have had. sometimes i get mad at the life i would have had, because i sacrificed it all for someone else. and that someone else hasn't always appreciated it...

i sat in our new apartment in the dark on Christmas, just a mattress and a lamp. Ari stayed with my parents so that her holiday wasn't a gloomy one. it was cold and miserable, our holiday meal was a sub from the Wawa around the corner. not where i would ever have imagined myself. once we got settled in, things were quiet for about a month and a half. not long after Valentines day, we started planning a wedding. there was never an official proposal, unless a cocktail straw at TGIFridays counted. (once again, where were those loans then, huh?) As it just so happened, my car died, and plans had to be put on hold. i had never really felt like i was getting married anyway, and i didn't know if he was agreeing just to appease me, even though the idea was his to begin with. he was very quiet about the whole thing, he wouldn't talk while we were looking at the room, just nodded and said whatever. i went and picked out a dress alone. there were going to be no bridesmaids or groomsmen, just our immediate family and two best friends a piece. it really didn't scream HAPPY or MARRIED at all. it was almost like we were being forced into it, and we weren't. i wasn't excited and screechy when people asked, i just smiled and nodded. he rarely referred to me as his fiancee, i was always his girl.

i think my car dying was a sign. we had to cancel the festivities, thank goodness no money had been put into it. my dress was not expensive at all, and the plain wedding bands i purchased went into the closet. our attitudes went south a bit. he started to always be with co-workers in the evenings, i would be at home, alone, helping Ari with her homework and putting her to bed. time we spent together alone was rare and quiet, usually on the couch watching TV in the evenings. i wouldn't say i was miserable, but i wasn't happy. i was tired.

it wasn't too long after that time period, that i peed on a stick and watched two lines appear...

Only the lonely...part 1

i mentioned in the last post that i am now single...here is the situation in a nutshell.

Nelly and i have, lets say known each other, since Oct. 2002. we met when he moved across the street from us and into his best friends house. he had this black jeep with big rims that he kept immaculate, and i thought he was SO cute. for months we just looked at each other while he drove past the house, eventually it led to an occasional wave. i have never been the type of girl to approach a guy. i guess i just cant deal with being rejected by anyone, especially in a situation that i created!

eventually, i started "adjusting" my schedule so that i could see him. some called that stalking, but i call it giving fate a helping hand. sure enough, i saw him leaving every day at the same time, white uniform and apron in hand, i thought he was a busboy or waiter. not exactly my caliber of guy, but he had a job and had a car, so that was at least working in his favor.

i asked my neighbor, J.A. to ask about the "guy in the black truck". she came back with some supreme info: he was from out of town, a chef, trying to get started up here. 24 years old, single...things sounded okay to me! i continued to work my way outside whenever possible, usually when he was outside. we would still stare at each other, never saying a word. this went on for about three months.

then, one day, i lost my keys. i figured i had left them somewhere outside, i had been in the front yard with Ari playing earlier. i called my mom to let her know i would be leaving later than usual since the keys were nowhere to be found. while i was walking around the yard talking to her, i spotted an orange shirt: he was outside at the truck. i panicked for a moment, i hadn't really gotten cute enough to see him that day, but i was too late, he had already noticed me. he sat in the jeep for a minute and looked at me. i kept peeking at him, waiting for him to leave. "mom," i said, "That guy across the street is sitting in his car staring at me!" she told me to hurry up and find my keys, that he could wait. when i looked up again he was walking towards me. i hung the phone up and swallowed the feeling of imminent nausea that hit.

Hi, I'm Nelly
Hi, I'm Bee
Nice to meet you Bee.
blah blah, insert 10 minutes worth of usual getting-to-know-you speech

he gave me his number and said to call him. and then, in a move i had never witnessed, he kissed me on the hand, turned around and left. i stood there for a minute like "say what? what type of game does he think he is running!!!!" and then i blushed a little bit and smiled.

i sat there that night, nervous as hell, holding the little green cell phone i owned, dialing his number over and over and hitting end after i lost my nerve. finally i let the phone ring, he answered, and we talked for a few. we made plans to go out the next night. i couldn't believe i was talking to him, it was like being in high school all over again and finally getting your crushes phone number.

the next night, we went on what i have classified as my best date ever. the restaurant was beautiful, he looked good, i looked good. the food was excellent, i tasted his shrimp dish and sipped his apple martini. he told me he couldn't taste my food with the prosciutto because ham didn't agree with him. we left, listening to Musiqsoulchild on the CD player, realizing that i had the exact same set of Cd's at home in my stereo. we witnessed a car accident while we rode around and talked.

i almost don't remember the end of the date. i wasn't drunk, we didn't sleep together or anything. we went back to his house and watched the end of a James Bond movie. he walked me home across the street. we kissed. and as i went back in the house and laid in the bed next to Ariana's crib, i reflected on the evening and thought how nice it had been. i felt like i had known him for years before. My phone rang a minute later, and i looked out the window, he was sitting on his front porch, i could see the blue from his cell phone across the street. we stayed on the phone for hours that night...and i knew then that something special would come from this chance meeting, i just wasn't sure what yet.

New beginnings or old starts?

i decided to start this blog over. at first i was going to erase what i had done before, but it has some relevance to what is going on now.

i find myself now 27 years old and starting over. i feel like im 19 all over again, except i have debt and kids. trust me, if you havent hit rock bottom, its a bad feeling.

since about July of last year, life for me has been, well, dramatic. i have gone thru (in this order) physical therapy during my pregnancy, finding out my maternity leave was unpaid, having my hours cut at work, burying my daughters aunt in her 30's from breast cancer, finding out my grandma was ill, having Niecy, losing my job, losing my apartment, leaving my significant other, losing my grandmother, losing my car...did i leave anything out? probably did.

daddy said that Life won't give you more than you can handle. REALLY?? he said that God has a way of getting your attention in ways you don't expect, like, or want. REALLY???? well God and Life are really not feeling me right now.

i had planned on going back to school this semester. that has now been thrown out the window. still cant find a job after 9 months of searching. no car to drive if i happened to find a job. besides my health (and i cant be 100% sure thats okay, since i had no insurance) i have nothing. just me and the girls...

funny how you can go from something to nothing, overnight.

Four hours of labor and some annoyance

yep. it took that long to write again. a lot happened in the past um, six, seven months? Ari turned 7, and not a week before her sister, Nisa, was born. a rather uneventful labor, if you call the epidural deciding to kick in about 25% of the way, normal. just bought a laptop. plan on writing my book with it. you know, the book i have been trying to write for years now. i think im finally broke enough to spill my guts on paper now, and hope its a best seller.