Pants On Fire

blog i posted elsewhere a while ago...right when all this was starting...

i hate a liar.

what exactly is a liar? websters defines a liar as a person who tells lies. and a lie is defined as a story a person tells with the intent of deceiving another person.
wow. that is kinda strong, isnt it? to intentionally deceive another person. to go out of your way and be dishonest about something to cover your own a**. okay, so my definition isnt Websters, but its close enough.

what do people lie about that isnt completely wrong? plenty. women lie about age and weight. men lie about their height. we lie when people ask if they look fat in those jeans, or that yes, your mothers dinner was the best you've ever had. in the end, these lies dont really hurt anyone. nor are they meant to be hurtful.

but sometimes, you get hit in the face with a lie so blatant and stunning, you blink in shock and wonder when you got "dumba**" tattooed on your forehead. that type of lie that makes you nauseous and cold with the realization that the person didnt think enough of you to tell the truth.
are you a liar in training? or want to make sure you are doing it right? here are some rules for lying:
-be prepared to lose something in the process: a friend, family member, relationship, job. the list goes on and on. it doesnt matter. you can lie about it later.
-if someone asks you IN DETAIL about something, you might want to go on and tell the truth. they probably already know the truth and you will be caught lying. then you have to lie some more.
-most people dont want their feelings "spared". they want the truth. damn morals.
-if you know the truth is gonna cost you something anyway, you may as well tell it. why tack "liar" to the list of things you are?
-don't swear on anything when you are lying. god, your moms grave, Mary of Magdalene...nothing. you might have to take that up with someone later on...
-nobody is going to believe a word you say ever again. if you say the sky is blue, people will be peeking thru blinds to make sure.
-once that trust is broken, your chances of ever getting back to that level of trust are slim to none. ouch.
-have your story together before you lie. throw a few "ah's" and "um's" in for good measure. you can also repeat the question or rephrase it to buy yourself some time. look up at the ceiling, or down at the floor. fiddle with your hands. better yet, dont do it in person. do it over the phone, that way they cant see you at all!
-if you feel justified in your lie, back that sh*t up! "man up" as they say. dont back down!
-keep a calendar. you are going to want to throw in some dates or time periods to further make your lie seem real.
-if you are caught lying, lie again. and again. then flip the script on the other person. if they are dumb enough, they will change the subject to defend themselves and forget about the web you were weaving...
-become friends with other liars. after a while there may be no family or friends in your life left to hear the bulls*it that come from your lips. but other liars always love to hear your stories about how you squeezed out of that tight situation!
-prepare to be alone. and dont bother apologizing. it wont work. and you are probably lying about the apology too, so thats just another list of crap you have to keep track of! follow the KISS rule! (keep it simple, stupid)

have you been lied to? here is your list of rules...
-CUT. NO. SLACK.
-have consequences. real ones. ones that get your point across.
-never back down. once the liar knows you know they are lying, they will try and shift the blame on you. this isnt about you. its about the liar.
-know (most of the people, most of the time) you dont deserve it.
-replace these liars with people who dont lie. once a liar, probably always a liar. at least about the original subject of the lie.
-realize that you dont have to accept apologies. i know that is sooo un-Christian like. but lets face it. most of the apologies arent honest. its a way to calm your nerves and make it seem like they have changed and that lie just so happened to fall out their mouths.
-forgive and forget is done on a personal basis. or at least the forget part is. you can forgive if you want to. thats your business and its healthy for your mental state. but if you cant forget, its best you move on.

i hope my diatribe (blog for those of you who havent graduated high school or taken your SAT's yet) on lying was informative, and whether you are a liar, been lied to, reformed liar, or contemplating becoming one, you know what to do and how to do it well.

those of you who know me well, know that i joke and kid around on a constant basis, and i even joke around in this blog. but i am personally tired of being taken for a fool, and if you find yourself in the same situation, at work, or home, hell, even on MySpace, its time to free yourself from the drama...everything will be alright in the end. if its not alright, its not the end...

Bee