An Update!

I know, I know…I haven’t blogged in so long! It’s a shame too, so much has happened in the last few months.

I started a new job, love it!
Then my laptop cord died on me and I couldn’t afford a new one…
I lost several family members….hated it! (I will definitely blog about them later on….)
I got my car! And then it died >:-( but now it’s fixed!
My sister informed us a few days ago that she is going to the Coast Guard. wtf.

The past few months have been a serious rollercoaster of emotions for me, and I haven’t even gotten to Nel yet. Sigh. Actually, nothing has really been going on with us. He is still begging to get back together, and he is also working two jobs, so unfortunately, I get minimum breaks now. Since I am also working with children, I basically get ZERO breaks! That sucks. I went for so long without a car and now that I have one, and on occasion, a few dollars burning my pockets, I can’t leave because my mom watches the kids, so after-hours babysitting earns me a side eye. Just one more example of something I have to remind Nel about frequently…he still doesn’t understand what it’s like not getting a break from things. Sure, he works two jobs, but if he wanted to save his money up and take a vacation in a few months, he could do that without a second thought. I don’t have that luxury. I can barely pee without the little one knocking on the door.

I know what some of you are saying…take those kids, and drop them right off at his house and keep it moving. don’t get me wrong…that thought crosses my mind every day. Hell, the last few times he has come up, he hasn’t even stayed overnight, just for a few hours and then went right back home, long enough for me to go grocery shopping or do laundry. yay. what kind of break is that???

I have decided that from now on, once a month, he has to take them. Completely. it can be the same weekend every month but dammit I am overdue in the “take care of me” department and I can’t do it when I am looking at these two children every day! I’m single, working, have a car, I deserve to enjoy life. I don’t know how he is going to feel about it but frankly, I am not concerned. I know he has two jobs but one is on weekdays only so he can tell the other job that once a month they have to shove it. NOT MY PROBLEM!

oh well. there are other things going on in my wacky, wonderful life. I promise to get them updated soon!

Letter from Nel...

i know theres not much that can make u trust me again, sorry 4 what i have put u thru the last year...i am willing 2 do anything and everything so u can trust me again... i dont care how long its going 2 take, whatever i have 2 do i will do it. u deserve a better man and a father of your childern.... we have been through so much 2gether and i dont want us 2 end our relationship like this... there is no other woman in this world 4 me but you Sadiqua, i love u so much i cant explain it.. i am madly in love with u.. i know i have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and i know i have a funny way of showing it but i realize what i have lost and i didnt want 2 lose u.. i need u in my life and i dont know what i will do without you. i know it doesnt change anything but i had 2 say this 2 you... Nel

Kiss and Tell

one of my readers (hi patty!) asked me why i didnt just basically find someone else and let Nel know about, aka kiss and tell lol...i wont lie. its crossed my mind a couple times....let me run a few stories past you, about the guys i mentioned to patty, i call them my fan club.

Valentine: met him ten years ago, he was a big boy and cute...but when i say sweet as hell? he is the type of guy you take home to mom and she loves him instantly. i remember him bringing me lunch at christmas time when it was extra busy at work and i couldnt get away to eat. at 18 years old he had the insight to do this for me...! over the years, we talked and would lose contact for a year or two, but he "found" me again several months ago and has been in touch with me. he said he wishes he had the chance to go back and snag me when he had the chance so long ago...(and lord knows i wish he had too, it would have saved me a lot of trouble with baby daddy #1. but thats another story.)

Angelo: wow. so i went to a party, i think i was 20, and met all the friends out of this group of guys...all of them were extra cute and my damn girlfriends snagged them before me. one of them said, well i've got just the guy for you, im going to go pick him up from work and introduce you two! of course i was nervous, i just knew he had to be the ugly one...but he wasnt, he was as cute as the rest thank goodness. Angelo was an absolutely great guy. we talked for hours that night, and saw each other for several months, he always treated me so special even though he didnt have a lot to spend. after an unlikely breakup, we didnt see each other for years, until he found me on myspace. he has been on a one-man crusade to win me back after all this time lol, he even mailed letters from time to time to my old job telling me he regretted how we split and how he really did love me...

robert: we have known each other since 6th grade. he was my first "boyfriend", we had our last class of the day together, home ec, drama and keyboarding. Rob was a hardhead, and after 6th grade, his parents shipped him off to military school. fast forward to the first day of marching band practice, a week or so before the start of freshman year. i was in the band room and he walked in with the rest of the football team. it was one of those moments where i couldnt believe who i was seeing after so long...we never hooked up in high school although he did try a couple of times to drop a hint, something was always just off, and i loved him to death as a friend. every time someone saw him that knew me after we graduated, he asked about me...and then he found me on myspace a few months ago (myspace can be amazing for your love life lol) I got the same story from him, always cared a great deal for me, crushed on me all the way thru school, just never got the nerve to carry it any further...

these three guys consistently appear out the woodwork over the years at the craziest times, drop hints, send me cards, call me, email me, text me...if i really, really, truly wanted to hurt Nel? i have plenty of good guys i could do it with. guys like him, good looking, with educations and careers and strong feelings for me, ALL THREE OF THESE GUYS HAVE ASKED FOR SECOND CHANCES.... but the fan club has one advantage over him: no drama with me. i just cant bring myself to do it. i sometimes wonder if its coincidental that these three always find me, and always talk about what could have been?? i try not to dwell on that, i dont believe in moving backwards, but striving forward...

its just kind of hard when the past come and puts themselves in your path.

Happily NEVER After: The B'day Chronicles

my birthday in January was a nice one for a change...he treated me to dinner with a group of some of my closest friends. i got to eat and drink as i pleased, i looked great, and had an awesome evening...then when we got home, he wanted some.

i will admit, i am that girl you have to keep an eye out for in bars...when i drink i get a little fresh and he loves me that way. its the easiest time for him to get some and my inhibitions are nowhere to be found. i said no, i was tired and had those drinks hitting me in the ass and do you know he called me on that shit?? like i owed him for taking me out for my birthday! did i want to sleep with him? of course, but when you throw it in my face that you "earned" it in a sense, my libido is gone...

to top things off, on his birthday about 2 weeks ago, we all went out as a family. it was after part 1 of our "i dont think this is gonna work" talk and so the conversation was very short and limited to the girls. he had a few drinks, i had a few drinks, and after i got the girls in bed, he jumps on me. tells me that even though he knows i dont wanna be with him (he said with a healthy dose of sarcasm and a laugh!), i should give him some since it was his birthday.

so thats how the complete ending occured, or should i say started. i pushed him down on the couch...and left the room. when i came back he tried again but i sat him down and looked at him and said, you arent getting this, are u? he asked what i meant and then the convo kinda went downhill

me: look, i tried to explain last weekend that i really dont see things improving and that i dont want to be in a relationship with you.

nel: wait, so you were serious?

me: (trying to not get up and choke him) yes i was.

nel: man, what the hell. so you mean to tell me after 6 years that you dont want to be with me anymore?

me: that is exactly what i am trying to say. i have been nice about it for weeks now but you just keep kicking the subject and now i felt i should break it down for you.

nel: (blank stare) so youre serious...

me: yes. (at this point he starts to pack his things up.) You dont have to go just because i said that...

nel: im not staying here after you just sat here and told me after all we have been through that you dont want to be with me anymore.

me: well your main purpose of coming down here SHOULD have been just the kids, and now you want to leave after i say im not sleeping with you? i havent slept with you since Christmas!

nel: (his most crucial mistake of the evening) is there someone else?

me: (mad as hell he wants to pull that bullshit) no there isnt.

nel: whatever...(kisses the baby and left)

I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING....DO NOT pull that "someone else" mess on me when YOU are the one who started the entire process of this shit failing! you move 2 hours away and ask ME is there someone else? HELL NO THERE ISNT. i sit at home all day with these two girls BY MYSELF, while your carefree azz gets to skip around and be free...Real talk. my bff told me months ago that sex was interfering in what needed to be fixed and she was right. as soon as it gets cut off, you want to trip and act like you have no damn sense. JUST BECAUSE i was sleeping with you does NOT mean things were fixed, right, repaired, okay, getting better, or any other feeling that you came up with. i hate to quote dudes, but IT WAS JUST SEX. and i apologize for my part of the blame that led you on to believe that i was cool with things and i thought they were okay, because they havent been for months....and now i think you see where i am coming from.

Dad and i did lunch a day or so after that. he was quiet while i talked and at the end told me that he felt i did the right thing for my situation. whether it will work or not? who knows. only time will tell...

I just called, to say...you know the rest.

yesterday while i was feeding the baby Nel called. we spoke for a minute and then i passed the phone off to Ari. i find it easier to do that, because it is hard to talk to him. i try to be formal, courteous even, but it just brings back memories.

once she was done, he wanted to talk to me again, but since i was busy i told her to tell him i would call him back later.

i called him right as i was getting in bed. he just wanted to say goodnight, and that he missed us and would like to work on things. i reminded him that things are the way they are because of him. i felt it was only fair. i dont think i should get the bad rap because i didnt just push the issues under the rug. my mom didnt raise me like some women are: "all men cheat/lie and its okay. you just ignore it and things will be fine." oh hell no.

i think back to what my dad had talked about the other day, that anybody not married was fair game in this world. one thing i neglected to ask him was the steps to take if you are the one getting "cheated" on. i guess now i realize there is no step. you either have them, or you don't. and once you realize that you don't have them, you have to leave and keep on with your life. if they decide to return, well, its up to you to decide whether they deserve you or not.

when we were hanging up, i had a feeling he would say it. chalk it up to knowing him for six years. he said goodnight, i said goodnight, and then he paused before he said "i love you"...

i said ok, goodnight, and hung up. cold? maybe. but in my book you cant throw an ILY up in a situation after your repeated actions clearly give the impression that you dont...