The Goldilocks Effect

well i got out last night. had a great evening with my 2 bff's and another girl who i think will become a friend very easily. Nel stayed with the girls. he couldnt stay out my face before i left, even took time out to pull me aside and tell me to not show my ass. i laughed and told him to get lost. When my girlfriend came to pick me up, i kissed the girls and headed out. he followed me to the door and asked could he get a goodbye hug. once again, i laughed and left.

besides the fact that of course, he managed to text me while i was out, it was a good night. i had a few really good drinks, headed home, and, due to that alcohol-blurred judgement, did the one thing i have said i would NOT do. we had sex.

it was sweet, tender, soft...all the things that i need from him right now. he whispered his regrets in my ear and apologized numerous times. it was high, it was low, it was what i call Goldilocks syndrome: everything was "just right"...i have mentioned before that we dont have issues in this area. in fact, we make up harder than we fight. i guess we just have a lot of passion together, whether its negative or positive. he brings things out of me that surprise both of us, and i do the same to him. that said, i felt and still feel guilty. there is a level of comfort that we have with each other when it comes to sex, it is so easy to fall back into that trap and forget the reason we were fighting to begin with. it is a major distraction.

i cant help but think what might be going thru his mind. "yep, it still works!", "she just USED me!", "i knew she couldnt keep this nonsense up"...i feel like i went back on what i said in that moment of weakness with him. i still dont want him to think things are getting back to normal.

it is scary though...mom warned me when this all started: if you let him go to do what he wants, he just may do that. i dont want to be viewed as that safe, definite jump-off, aka his steady, easy to coax booty call. i want him to get things together and work towards a common goal. im stuck...do i continue to show that weakness around him? or do i tough it out and suffer in the meantime...i really dont know what direction to take.

i cornered him outside when he was leaving and laid one of those long, deep kisses on him. i dont know if he was surprised or not, but it took everything in me to pull back. it could have gone a lot further and a lot deeper and this clearly would have been my fault, seeing as there was no alcohol in my system. this would have been a completely sober experience.

i guess now my heart is fighting with my head. my heart is desperate to get things back the way they were. my head knows better. i guess the Goldilocks effect isnt apparent in this entire situation, but at least the part that has always worked with us still does.