Six

its just after midnight, Saturday morning, and i realized a minute ago, that today would be our six year anniversary.

friday was funeral day for his grandmother. unlike my grandmothers funeral, i made sure i made it to the funeral and spent time with his family. it was hard as usual, having to pretend i liked him sooo much while the relatives that know me continuously called me the wife/girlfriend. i ran out of ways to explain a kid does not make me a wife or girlfriend. that much is apparent in my life.

so six years, huh. thats a long time. hell, some couples meet, marry, and divorce in less than six years. it does make me sad to think things ended before this pivotal moment in the relationship. deep down inside i have a little person standing there yelling at me, "stop this! just forgive him and stop looking thru his stuff and work on things and just let him start over. you know you miss him, you know how stressful it is to be angry at him, so why put yourself thru all of this for nothing?"

on the other hand is the other person, who really wants to strangle the other little person. she constantly reminds me "he is a liar. he cheated, or at least was participating in the initial stages of cheating. he lied about everything, and continues to lie. he has never been honest with you, and you put up with that for so long. you are finally free of this nonsense, why go back? why turn back to the lies and cheating. screw being lonely, call a friend, email someone, do anything you can to move forward and show him it is very very possible for you to move on and that you have."

someone told me the other day that i needed to let Nel go. i thought i had done that, but in ways that only i know, i havent completely. sure, im not out dating, i dont think that is appropriate right after ending a relationship that long. i dont even feel like dating. i just want to chill and enjoy the drama-free part of life i have freed up. sure, there is still drama in my life, but this was a doozy, and cutting it off has been like ridding myself of a cancer. it isnt there to kill my spirit anymore.

what would we have done this anniversary? probably nothing. he has never remembered an anniversary. hell, he went out of town to a football game one year. about a week after, it usually hits him and he asks what we did, i dont know why, because we dont do anything. dont get me wrong, ive never been that girl that wanted to celebrate the 1/2 year anniversary of our first kiss or stick of gum or anything like that. but to actually remember and acknowledge how long i've been your "girl" would have been nice in the past. no dinner or anything, but just a kiss and maybe a card stating how much you appreciate me. i dont ask for the world. just 3 minutes of your time.

this year i will buy myself a card and tell myself how much i appreciate ME. because i deserve it. nobody can love me like me, right?

i guess this year i will really find out.