The Next Time Around....

Dad said something to me that i didnt really like. he told me the next man i bring into Ari's life better be a permanant one.

he wasnt saying it to be rude, or hateful, or discouraging. if my relationship can be saved, he wants it saved. but on the chance it doesnt, he wants me to make sure his granddaughters dont get hurt.

my intentions as a parent, even though i started early in life, was to never hurt my child. i was very careful in the year and a half i was single before i met Nel to never expose her to anyone i dated. i felt as though i lucked up with him and didnt have to worry about things, i guess i felt like we would be together for a while and i wouldnt have to expose her to a "mommy is here, daddy is there" type of situation. so she is now close to a man who she considers her father (although i believe she knows he isnt) and, should i decide to date in the future, will now be exposed, along with Niecy, to mommy dating. i just dont like that. but its also something i guess i have to accept.

ive said before that i accept i might have to be alone. that "bad by myself" mentality continues to kick me in the ass. although it isnt an ideal situation, it might be realistic.

Nel and i talked last night for a while. i asked him when he came to see the girls again to try and stay the night so i could have a real break. he agreed, and then said he would try to give me some money. i said no, i dont need you to pay for me going out. and i dont. the only thing money-wise that i want from him is for Niecy. Ari doesnt require much, but the baby is expensive. thats all i ask, that he help with her expenses. of course, he goes into this speech about oh, well you must have found you a baller then, you dont need my money.

i get really tired of being accused of going after a "baller"...it was old the second time he mentioned it, and he has mentioned it a lot. i suppose i should start accusing him of seeing a supermodel now? a girl who can pay him ten times more attention than he got with me? that would be hard to do, but i guess if we are going after something better, thats what he should aim for.

another thing he said that seriously annoyed me was the implication that i wasnt accepting his attempts to fix things. "i have apologized, thats all i can do." really? that isnt all you can do. that would have worked the first time, but after this much damage, an apology is the least of my concern.

i dont even know where to begin! and frankly, it isnt my position to tell him what he needs to do. i guess i can try though...

1. GROW THE FUCK UP. this isnt about you anymore. this isnt about me anymore. you need attention? please. part of being a parent and an adult is sacrifice. that means if i am preoccupied and not paying you as much attention, you suck it up like a big boy and deal with it. i always have. your main concern is your child. not your dick or your ego.

2. LOOK AT THE FUTURE...everything you do and say affects the kids. do you really want me to tell them years down the road WHY mommy and daddy arent together? how do you think that is going to make you look...it hasnt occurred to you because you have both parents in your life. imagine if you mom told you that daddy left because he was unfaithful, or a liar. its one thing if you just grow apart and fall out of love, but there can be serious damage on the other hand.

3. LISTEN. and by listen i mean shut up and pay attention. everything you need to know is said out loud. if you dont understand, that means you arent listening good enough.

4. EARN THAT TRUST BACK. and honestly, i dont know what that will entail. ive been told countless times that you can learn to trust again. but how? i need help in that area, learning to take you at face value. i gave you the benefit of the doubt so much that the benefit has been completely depleted. there is nothing left but doubt.

5. APPRECIATE ME. and that means doing all of the above and then some. i got tired of being called your "girl" like we were in high school. what kind of shit is that? im 27, if i want to be someones girl, i will date a 20 year old. acknowledge the little things that i do. sometimes i would do things that would go completely unnoticed. i felt like a maid and nanny some days. i was faithful, a mother to your child, your backup when you needed it, your nurse, your secretary, why didnt that count for something? why didnt those things pop in your head when you were doing wrong?

6.REALIZE THAT IF I RETURN, THE NEXT TIME I LEAVE WILL BE PERMANENT. thats right. there is no next time if things get fixed. i am DONE. and in a way, i feel done now. the longer it takes to fix things this time around, the less hope i have that it needs to be fixed. i dont want the drama, the heartache, the distrust...it is just too too much.

DO RIGHT BY ME, OR NOT AT ALL.