Breaking Loose

Nel will be here tomorrow to see the girls. i will be leaving tomorrow night to have a night on the town.

i havent had a break in a while. its difficult being with the baby 24-7, and sometimes i need a break badly. i told him when he comes up, be prepared to stay the night, because i dont plan on coming in at a decent hour. i deserve that. he said that all he does is work down there.

that, my friends, may be the case. but he has 3 things i dont have: money, a car, and no need for a babysitter, aka freedom. im too worn out to run to Wal-mart in the evenings, let alone fraternize with some of my girlfriends past 8.

im just tired in general. tired of living at my parents house, tired of being unemployed, tired of doing things alone. i appreciate the help i do get, but the help i am supposed to get? nonexistant. i see now why men leave. coming home to an angry, bitter, attention-starved woman like me would run the most Christian man into his mothers arms. im trying to get better, but it is taking longer than i expected.

part of me is still mad he has the easy end of this. sure, i could go on down there, try and force a smile on my face and pretend i wasnt betrayed, but that isnt me. i cant run back because im suffering in so many ways. my head tells me its the logical thing to do, but my heart and my soul tell me its still not fixed and i just cant put myself thru anymore.

right now i just plan to go out, have a few drinks, maybe flirt a little. i know my heart wont be in it completely, but i will just have to follow my head for once.