Tell it like it is

Nel's mom's birthday was Saturday, so his dad had a really nice cookout for her yesterday. Let me make one thing super clear: i love Nel's family. they are some of the nicest people i have ever met, and they make it known that i am family no matter what.

Hm. no matter what, huh? i assumed he had told his family about our split, seeing as how a week from now it will be going on three months. instead, i was introduced to some of his mom's friends as Nel's Girlfriend. this, after a kiss on the cheek in front of the family that i wanted to choke him over. did i think it was sincere? hell no.

i was livid about this. i figured after this long, one of the three people who knew would have accidentally or otherwise, told his parents. apparently, this has not happened yet. i smiled politely, shook hands and gave hugs, and gritted my teeth. i chose not to bring this up at the cookout. it wasnt the time nor the place for theatrics.

when i got home (after yet another "goodbye" kiss on the cheek in front of my parents...grrr) i decided to ask him why his parents had not been informed. after all, my picture graces three rooms in their house. and if we arent "together" they should have the right to decide whether they need glamour shots of me with the rest of their family. what happened was a series of texts that went like this...

me: why havent you told your parents about things yet?

Nel: what things....

me: what do you think? they dont know we split do they.

Nel: my sister knows, thats our business, why do they have to know

me: well i got real tired of people asking when i was moving down with you, and being introduced as your girlfriend.

Nel: I told her because seh asked. if you get tired of it, tell them you're not my girl anymore...

me: i didnt want to be rude while your mom was introducing me. its not my job to tell your parents. i told mines already. but if you want i can call your mom and answer all the questions she has about the situation...

Nel: Do what you do. Have fun with your new man, i know someone has scooped you up by now....

me: yeah between Kroger and Walmart i found someone. that and being sick for a week. just know that if anyone asks im telling them whats up. and im not lying for you either.

Nel:whatever. you are not going to ruin my day. we can talk about this some other time.

me: im not discussing it later. we arent going to get anywhere then either...

Nel: we could have talked about this earlier when you were here!

me: i wasnt going to talk about that with people around.

he then called me, and an hour-long arguement ensued. the usual was said, i was nosy, and it was pretty much all my fault for things happening. i didnt like to cook or clean, i didnt pay him enough attention. i called it how i saw it. regardless of whether he ever did anything with the girl, his track record was shit. how was i supposed to believe him when i had been lied to so many times.

as it stands now, he wanted to try and get me a car. not interested. he is getting an apartment in the next few weeks. good for you, not moving in. i have never asked him for anything, and i never will. he mentioned how my "pride" is always in the way, i never want help, ask for help, need help. what is so wrong with that? apparently, a lot.

Thats not what friends are for...

my experience with Nel was that he was never going anywhere. ever. i notice that with a lot of men. the relationship has soured or hit a rough patch, but they are going to be there until the end. truthfully, even though they think that makes them seem like the "better/stronger one" since they were the ones who were left, it is the exact opposite. i tried so many times to take time out away from my relationship, and i was always greeted with "well im not going anywhere." lets face it. our friends and family know us. they are going to know whose fault it is no matter who left who. so sticking it out is just dragging out the inevitable.

nel has said on more than one occasion that i run from problems. its true at times. i have, many times, gotten in my car and just left. usually i would come home, because it is the one true place i can unwind and think clearly. i never came running to tell a situation or ask for advice, because i knew what it would lead to. i dont believe in asking people about most relationship situations. male or female. it causes problems in more ways than one. Nel has on several occasions, mentioned problems to some of his female friends. BIG NO-NO.

i am a woman, so i know what is going thru this "friends" mind. "hmmm. shorty isnt handling her business at home...so let me make sure he knows he can count on me for support" also translated into "this dumb b*tch, he came running to ME when she messed up...let me plant my seeds so that when things go downhill for real i can slide on in." why dont men understand that scheme?

i have been that woman. or girl anyway. when i was right out of high school, one of my best male friends was dating this girl who was just awful. i looked better than her and just knew the moment she messed up, she would lose him. sure enough, they had a huge fight, and who did he call? me. dont get me wrong, i truly cared for this guy. it wasnt just a "haha i won" type of deal. we had a strong relationship to begin with. he started off telling me how xyz had happened, and they were over for good. i listened patiently, interjected with an occasional "oh she shouldnt have done that..." and provided one hell of a shoulder to lean on. by being that 100% team member, he developed feelings for me beyond the friendship role i slid into. he never saw it coming. if he had any doubts in his mind about his initial decision to end things, i certainly killed them the moment they popped up. it was high school after all. we ended up dating for a while. he is the "run away to florida with me" person from "only the lonely part 2", so you know how strong that relationship was.

fellas...does your "female friend" say things like "oh thats wrong" or "i would never do that!" or "that is just trifling" or "you deserve better"?? if she is single, its a set up. POINT BLANK. she doesnt care about you or what is going on. she saw an opening and headed straight for it. it doesnt matter that maybe you over reacted, and things can be fixed. in her eyes, it is over, or at least you are "taking a break" and can interact/date/sleep with her. and the same goes for that "friend" who wants to call you and complain about what her man is doing wrong. HELL NO... i had to speak to Nel about that too.

once again, i am a woman. so i know the routine. "so-and-so, my man is sooo mean to me. he did this and that, i just dont know what i should do..." are you kidding me? why are you calling your "guy friend" about your man? unless he is laying some serious smackdown on her, that is what her girlfriends are for! of course, you guys just eat it up. "i wouldnt treat you like that" and "man, maybe you should move on" is code for "drop that loser, i can take better care of you".

now the extra smart chick has this covered from both angles. she is in a relationship, AND is your confidante when your main squeeze is acting up. so when you call her with that "Bee is acting up, what would you do?" type of deal, she reacts swiftly because it seems she is "untouchable" and only has your best interest at heart. "really? oh well she shouldnt do that. i treat MY man like this..." perfect set up. now you have a list of things that Bee isnt doing like your friend is. doesnt matter if she is lying or not. then she has the perfect reason to call you back..."well Bob isnt doing this, or he did this and i dont know what to do?" you react with a feeling of owing her for helping you thru your "problems"...the moment you start helping, you are in major trouble. she is going to throw out things like "i know you would never do that. i dont understand why your girl is treating you this way! here i am in a relationship and i do everything my man wants, and your girl doesnt appreciate what she has..." Wifey, you are done. she has done the one thing you do when you want someone elses man: stroke that ego. he gets to thinking "hell yeah, im a good dude, i deserve better than that. someone like my friend over here." oh, dear. you are about to cheat on your main squeeze with a girl that sure as hell could be lying about her poor man. he doesnt have a clue...

so i guess the point im trying to make overall is communication. that, and privacy. dont go running your mouth everywhere about your problems. dont communicate with the opposite sex about your problems...unless it is maybe a family member. now im not saying you cant talk to anyone EVER of the opposite sex, because there are some good people out there who want to help you, not help themselves. think long and hard before you pick up that phone to call or text. think about what message you are sending out. the other person will pick up on the situation better than you think. if you want to vent, write a letter, go for a ride and talk to yourself. but never let anyone poisonous into your head. once they get in, they will lay out the blueprint for bigger, worse problems that they have no intention of helping you thru at all...

Mr. Telephone Man...

hmm. no contact for a few days. just a few random texts and calls to talk to the girls. i find that strange, mainly because usually it was ten calls a day.

now, i have never been "that girl", the one who calls you and asks where you are. i also dont feel the need to call you during the day PERIOD. i like talking on the phone to my girlfriends, many a night has been burned up running off at the mouth with P and D, but not with my man. i mean, its all good at the beginning when you dont really want to be all up in each others face 24/7. but once we are in a relationship, especially living together, i dont want to talk to you.

i remember back in '04 i think. i was working as a rep for TMobile, making peanuts, and desperate to find another job. Nel had left on a Thursday to chaperone a marching band trip to Atlanta with his friend. i got a call for a job interview early that Friday, and hopped out of bed, threw on that business suit, and ran out. when i got back to the car, i had 34 missed calls. thats right, 34. one was from mom, one from my cousin, and the other 32? you guessed it.

well since he was out of town i assumed something was wrong. from the number of calls i figured the bus had run off the road. i called him back frantic. and what i got was a conversation something like this:

Me: hey whats wrong?
Him: nothing. where are you?
Me: wait, what do you mean nothing...
Him: i been calling you.
Me: um, yeah, 32 times.
Him: i didnt call you no 32 times.
Me: funny, because i had 34 missed calls and only two of them were NOT you.
Him: whatever. where you been?
Me: for your information i had a job interview at 830 this morning.
Him: you didnt mention that.
Me: yeah well they called at 8 and i told them i would come straight over.
Him: why didnt you tell me?
Me: like i said. i had 5 minutes to get ready and i just left. i wasnt thinking to call you ALL THE WAY IN ATLANTA and tell you i had a job interview.
Him: thats disrespectful, blah blah, you are so inconsiderate...(insert random nonsense here)
Me: look. dont call me no damn 32 times over some bullsh*t.

if im lying, im flying.

since i am not that girlfriend who feels the need that every time you take a breath, wipe your behind, blink, or clear your throat, that you have to call and let me know, i expect the SAME THING. looking back, that wasnt the only time it happened. i have never once asked why a phone call wasnt returned or answered. i have been called inconsiderate, cheater, liar, you name it, just because i have not stopped in the MIDDLE of what i was doing to answer his phone calls. he even mentioned it when he got caught messing with old girl a few months ago. "well sometimes i call and you dont answer the phone. how am i supposed to know what you are doing?" i dont need to tell you how much offense i took off that comment. dude what? well, i guess now i know what you were doing when i called and you didnt answer. so for all the good girls who have been asked that question, let me answer it for your man.

where was i when i didnt answer your phone call? i was on the other line with the doctor who was calling in a prescription for your sick child, washing dishes, outside at the car, upstairs giving the kids a bath, in the car driving, vacuuming, in walmart making groceries for you to eat and couldnt get a signal, washing your clothes, trying to fit in 4 seconds to pee, playing a Barney tape for the 7th time today so that i could get some things done, at work, on a job interview, went to get the mail, left the phone in the car while i ran in cvs, turned it off so i could go in the bank, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, cooking dinner so you had a meal to come home to, on a conference call, in school at a PTA meeting, picking the kids up from the sitter, yelling at the kids, or sitting by myself in a corner upstairs near tears because i feel like im doing this alone...thats where the hell i was. you pick one and tell me when the hell i had time to mess around...

the moral of this story is that you cant let anyone shift the blame in the relationship. i am a victim of that to the very end. not only is it disrespectful, but it can cause unwarranted doubt in your mind. i actually thought maybe it was inconsiderate to have not taken 3 seconds to let him know i was leaving, and then i thought better. i dont care if i had been married. i would have handled the situation the exact same way.

i miss you

yep. the night after ILY, he told me he missed us. me in particular. once again, i shut him down with an "ok, goodnight"....

why is it that people cant take responsibility for their actions? if you messed around and got caught, dont pull that "i miss you" bull. really? you do? did you miss me when you were with the other person? i bet i didnt even cross your mind.

i am a good person. i dont steal, i dont drink and beat my kids, i dont cheat people...i just live my life the best i can and expect to be treated that way. is it too much to ask to be told the truth from time to time? i know it will hurt my feelings. but im a big girl now, and big girls need to receive that respect.

so instead of missing me, how about you respect me, as the mother of your child, as a black woman, and for just being me. i miss THAT.

I just called, to say...you know the rest.

yesterday while i was feeding the baby Nel called. we spoke for a minute and then i passed the phone off to Ari. i find it easier to do that, because it is hard to talk to him. i try to be formal, courteous even, but it just brings back memories.

once she was done, he wanted to talk to me again, but since i was busy i told her to tell him i would call him back later.

i called him right as i was getting in bed. he just wanted to say goodnight, and that he missed us and would like to work on things. i reminded him that things are the way they are because of him. i felt it was only fair. i dont think i should get the bad rap because i didnt just push the issues under the rug. my mom didnt raise me like some women are: "all men cheat/lie and its okay. you just ignore it and things will be fine." oh hell no.

i think back to what my dad had talked about the other day, that anybody not married was fair game in this world. one thing i neglected to ask him was the steps to take if you are the one getting "cheated" on. i guess now i realize there is no step. you either have them, or you don't. and once you realize that you don't have them, you have to leave and keep on with your life. if they decide to return, well, its up to you to decide whether they deserve you or not.

when we were hanging up, i had a feeling he would say it. chalk it up to knowing him for six years. he said goodnight, i said goodnight, and then he paused before he said "i love you"...

i said ok, goodnight, and hung up. cold? maybe. but in my book you cant throw an ILY up in a situation after your repeated actions clearly give the impression that you dont...

The power of prayer

managed to get to church this morning. one of my new years resolutions this year was to manage to have my behind in somebodys church on Sunday mornings.

as i was sitting, waiting for service to start, i turned around and saw a young couple walk in together. it was very sweet, his hand at the small of her back, leading her thru the crowd. i teared up a little bit. i remember being in love that first year, that brand new love. it sits on you so thick that people who dont know you can see it.

i let myself drift back six years ago when i found myself falling in love. the very beginning of relationships are both scary and fascinating. you find yourself nervous about what to let the other person know, because you dont want to be judged. the slightest touch from the other person sends chills down your back. the sexual tension is amazing.

i miss that. how hard is it to start all over again?

What do you mean, he isn't coming??

Nel and i had a bit of a disagreement tonight. actually, i am going to say he had the disagreement.

he was coming up today to see the girls and handle some business. traffic in his neck of the woods was awful so he decided to come tomorrow. he called to tell Ari goodnight, and that he would see her when he came back up tomorrow, but i told him i wasnt going to tell her. he wondered why i wouldnt tell her, and i explained that i didnt want to disappoint her if something came up and he didnt make it. I must have phrased it badly, because he got upset and snippy with me.

what i think he doesnt realize, is that we grew up with both our fathers in our lives. our parents have both been married around 30 years, so when dad said he was going to do something, we never thought twice. i think its hard for us to understand what its like being separated from a parent, and then being told something great is going to happen, and then having that major upset. and who is to blame? dad is. (or mom, depends on the situation...) Ari is one of those kids who you can't tell ahead of time when there is a party, trip, etc. because every ten minutes is another question. One time Nel couldnt make it up and she was majorly upset. i understood why he couldnt come. any adult could understand. but she whined and cried and was so devastated, that i decided then and there, that i wouldnt ever tell her when he is coming. i also dont tell her when i am coming to eat lunch with her. its the same situation. she is a kid you kinda have to surprise. and i cant imagine once Niecy is old enough and the same situation occured...then i would have two crying faces to explain that to.

he called me back and apologized, i think he gets it now...so if things go crazy and he doesnt make it up here tomorrow, she will be none the wiser...

today was a crazy day. i was here alone, for the first time in weeks. the baby and i laid back down after breakfast and getting Ari on the bus. i woke up before she did, and i was just...lonely. nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, of course i have friends who easily fill that void, but its not the same. after you have been with someone for so long, you get used to having that conversation all the time. im getting used to being by myself, but i dont like it.

im not rushing out and doing anything to "fix" it, as one friend calls it. i dont want to date. i dont want any "friends with benefits", i want to be either completely happy, or completely alone. right now, i guess i have to be completely alone. i guess i should use this time to find myself, but even once that is all done, there is nobody to share it with. i dont want to be one of those women who just have to have a man. it doesnt matter if they are miserable, or on different pages, or complete opposites, they feel they are completed by having a man in their life. i guess im trying to find out what it is to be complete without one. its a tough goal to reach if you havent been alone in a while. i just pray for strength and patience, and know that what is meant to be, will be. no matter what the situation or circumstance.