You Don't Get a Thank You

Sooo. it appears Nel is super extra pissed at me because i didnt thank him for giving me the money that i require to get a car so i can get a job. Let me start at the beginning...

Nel left in July. i decided then that i wouldnt be that "evil baby mama" and let him just do right, or at least i would give him the chance first. although he is unreliable as hell at times, i figured i would give the opportunity to act responsibly without getting the courts involved, because they are ruthless as hell and him getting locked up behind some child support does me NO good..

anyway, i got little sprinkles of money for a few months. and i mean sprinkles. my parents got heated (and still are!) because while he was down there "getting his things together" i was up here living rent free at my parents house. They felt that he should be at least paying me enough for me to help out around here, and they are right. two kids use a lot of water/electricity! i asked him if he finally had things in order so that i could start getting steady, decent amounts. im not being unreasonable, i just want to take care of the baby, because diapers are not free, and i have been selling half my belongings on eBay just so i can purchase things for her. THAT IS NOT RIGHT...

he had the nerve to tell me that after paying his brother for staying with him, paying his car note, and paying his insurance, he didnt have any extra money, and that what he did have left over, he put in his gas tank and came to see the girls. I. WENT. OFF. Extra? you dont have any EXTRA?? i very sweetly let him know that if i took him to court, that "extra" would be the first thing coming out of his check every 2 weeks! your child support isnt EXTRA MONEY. it is a necessity and i cant function when you are being trifling! i even suggested he stop visiting as much. YES i told him to cut back on his trips. all he would do is show up with stuff, park on my moms couch, turn on dads digital cable on the big screen downstairs, and then send the baby to me when she needs to be changed...Then he would head to sleep, stay on the couch til noon, repeat, and then go home. that is a damn vacation. all that was missing is the mini-bar.

true, i was not working, what else is new? does anyone have a job these days? i wasnt getting called back even for really minor jobs so whatever he gave me was what i had, and he was QUICK to tell me maybe i needed to get a job as if i was NOT trying...

anyway, back to the original topic. once tax time came around, he said he would "totally break me off" since i hadnt really gotten much from him for a while. and by much, im thinking maybe $150 total over several months. he promised about $1500 to me so i could get a car, because all my savings/eBay funds have been going towards paying my parents for things and picking up his slack. as time went by, it eventually dwindled to $1200. yeah, i was pissed, but it was better than what i had been getting. i got my first installment a few weeks ago so i knew he still owed me 1k, and yesterday was going to be payday, right?

he came in with $500. i didnt understand what was going on...i figured we were gonna get this whole payment thing taken care of for good so i could tally up how much i had and make some moves. i asked him when i would get the rest of it and he said in 2 weeks. i asked him why i didnt just get the entire amount and he said if it was THAT big of a deal, he would go get it then. (really? if you had it why not just give it to me???) i told him with a bit of attitude not to worry about it, just get to me whenever it was convenient for him. he left, got the rest, and threw it on the desk where i was sitting. i let that little disrespect slide...

well i get a text saying "you could have said thank you" or whatever. so i told him i did thank him for the flowers (yep. he brought flowers for me.) and the cherry set (long story, but extra cute) but he was mainly concerned about the money. the next text said "its the f*cking point of it all, u act like i dont do sh*t. dont worry about it, how many b*tches get money like that at one time? its all good, i see how you truly are."

after i laughed (which took a good while to get over, because i thought that was hilarious), i sent him a text back basically saying i "got it all at once" because he OWED me that money. duh. please dont flatter yourself *sigh*

and let me just say to anyone male or female who is paying support in any kind of way...what i do with that money or what the other parent does with that money? DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. he said i wasnt going to use the money for the baby, i was going to get a car, which i had to remind him would take me to a job that would in turn pay for things for the baby...!

when my dad was a probation officer, he spent a ton of time in juvenile court. he said he constantly heard how the non custodial parent (usually dad) would complain to the judge about how the custodial parent (usually the mom) would take the CS money and use it for her car note, rent, gas money, insurance, etc. and how it wasnt going towards the child. time after time, the judge would remind the paying parent that rent must be paid to shelter the child, gas and a car note enabled the other parent to drive to work and make the rest of the money to support the child. THEN you had the paying parents who said "she is using my money for her hair/nails/etc." and the judge didnt care. matter of fact, they didnt care even if they were smoking that money up! if the child was getting taken care of and wasnt starving, abused, etc, then the courts wouldnt interfere. i know it seems wrong on a few levels, but if i take the money that Nel gives me and buy an ice sculpture just to watch it melt in the sun, then so be it. because every other dollar i get benefits her and that little $75 he scrapes up for me is not going to be stressing me once i start work! it goes back to what i said a few posts back about being independent: im not budgeting around him. im doing it around myself so that i dont have these problems.

anyway, he called me this morning, fussed about me being ungrateful, and then hung up on me. lol havent heard anything since! and at this point, i really dont care! I have some cars to research online...

In Re: to Letter from Nel

i cant believe you would say i didnt want to work things out. you have no idea how many nights i have prayed that things would work themselves out with us. i have talked to people that have my best interest as well as yours at heart...i am in this 100% now, i have a child with you that now has me linked with your family, who i care sooo much about you wouldnt believe it. nobody can deny that i love you, not even you. i never imagined things would get to this point, but i cant be like this anymore. i cant have doubts. i cant be sad. i cant feel lonely even with you there. i know you see me as being just cold about this, but with all i have had going on i dont have a choice. i can either just break down completely or hold it back. i cant afford to break down right now. i have to fight thru everything im feeling and deal with it later on.this back and forth isnt good for me. the up and down and left and right is making me sick. i need stability. i need something in my life that is dependable and steady and i dont have to worry about it. this shit was seriously making me physically ill, stomach aches and my weight and hormones are all over the place over it. i wish things were the way they used to be so long ago but i just cant deal with it anymore...im being pulled in three different directions and i just cant...i dont know why you dont get this...

Letter from Nel...

i know theres not much that can make u trust me again, sorry 4 what i have put u thru the last year...i am willing 2 do anything and everything so u can trust me again... i dont care how long its going 2 take, whatever i have 2 do i will do it. u deserve a better man and a father of your childern.... we have been through so much 2gether and i dont want us 2 end our relationship like this... there is no other woman in this world 4 me but you Sadiqua, i love u so much i cant explain it.. i am madly in love with u.. i know i have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and i know i have a funny way of showing it but i realize what i have lost and i didnt want 2 lose u.. i need u in my life and i dont know what i will do without you. i know it doesnt change anything but i had 2 say this 2 you... Nel

Throwback: Lunchtime!

i will bet you didnt know that i have a sense of humor, unless you talk to me on a regular basis. it appears some of my readers think im a serious, reserved, stick in the mud. that couldnt be further from the truth. so to prove it, im gonna post a few funny things that i did last year. they still ring true.

march 21 2008
today, i decided to be a nice mommy and eat lunch with Ariana at school. i had SEVERAL reservations about this, starting with her demanding attitude about what i could and could not bring her to eat. since when has a happy meal been out of fashion?? unfortunately for her, she didnt get her $7 KFC meal...

i try to stay out of elementary schools. they are germ Wal-marts. any disease, from the flu, to mad cow, to MRSA is probably lurking on the snotty, unwashed hand of a first grader, and trust and believe, that hand is touching your child’s hand. and notebook. and pencil.

when i arrived, i had to sign in similar to the way you enter Fort Knox. Computers, name tags, urine sample, i mean seriously, nobody wants my child but me, and on a good day...anyway, after procuring my name tag, i sat at a table marked "guest table" in the back. correct me if im wrong, but when I had a parent come to eat, they got to eat with me at the class table. now, you eat at what is fondly referred to in my family as the "exile table".

the kindergarteners were eating their lunch. or, playing with it. im telling you, if the Peace Corp or any other Childrens Methodist/Catholic/Shriners organization begging for ten cents a day saw the SHEER WASTE OF FOOD IN THERE....i was appalled. seriously parents, unless you’ve got that really greedy kid who eats everything all the time, you are wasting money sending lunch money to school. and those Lunchables that they beg for in Food Lion until they are blue in the face? i think more got thrown away than eaten.

i also noticed, as the first graders were filing in, a lot of girls had bought salads. not slightly chubby girls, or girls who havent burned off that really cute baby fat, but girls that NEEDED a slice of the deep fried crap everybody else was marching out with. what 6 year old girl needs a salad and skim milk for lunch? hell, i do. but thats besides the point. parents, teach your girls what a twinkie is. followed by gravy, whole milk, and a salt shaker. teach them to love those dimples, and to save the salads for when she is 26, unmarried, and single.

Back to the "exile table". Ariana was tearing into her Wendy’s, while the other 4 mothers with kids at the table were discussing something PTA related...on that note. i hate the PTA. i actually went to a meeting at the beginning of LAST year. i was sooo excited, i even dressed for the occasion, like June Cleaver who had managed to feed her child a balanced breakfast, kissed her at the bus stop, cleaned the entire house, and breathlessly floated into the school cafeteria, skin dewy, lip gloss perfect, and jeans crisply pressed. What i got instead was a cafeteria full of haggard, thrown together, 40-something, pre-menopausal women with cheerios still stuck to their sweats and not a stitch of makeup on. the PTA president bounced her 3 year old on her hip, thanked us for coming, swigged out of a Starbucks cup (which im sure had some alcohol in it) and proceeded to tell the women to be "considerate" of the other mothers in the class..."Some of them," she whispered, "even work jobs outside the home!" I looked around, stunned. A woman next to me with a Wachovia name badge on mumbled "Huh?" The women shook their heads in pity, and Ms. Wachovia and i glanced at each other in shock. i wanted to yell, "Darn right i work outside the home! I also know what a 401k is, how to balance a checkbook, and where Ann Taylor Loft is! Im sooo sorry i didnt marry a doctor or lawyer who can work 80 hours a week so that i can stay home dressed in 4 year old maternity clothes and not brush my hair!" So yeah, i didnt join this year. Take that and shove it in your VCR next to Barney, Chick.

oh yeah, lunch. There was the ever-present cafeteria Nazi in place, wearing a cheerful apron full of straws, napkins, and spoons, making her rounds and never really doing anything other than open cartons of milk and packets of ketchup. Every ten seconds she yelled about sending someone to the office. By the time she’d hit about the twelth or thirteenth child, they shrugged her off, knowing she had probably never sent anyone to the office, and never would. really lady, shut up and open this 2%. my dry and poorly cooked lunch is totally stuck in my throat.

i think my final straw was on my way out after lunch, and i saw a notice for the spring picture date. as i scanned the group of loud, toothless, adrenaline-stricken angels, i realized that it was 11:45am, school had started at 9:30am, and these kids looked like they had been running laps around a high school track. I take time to iron clothes, brush hair, etc., in the mornings. Im also pretty sure that other parents do the same. So why did my child look like a hobo? and why do all YOUR children look like hobo’s too? in a matter of two hours, your child already looks as though the teacher has set up a child labor camp making NIKE’s in the back. what gives? and these same teachers will let these dusty, estranged children take their school pictures like this. is it that hard to say "James, smooth your hair down, sweetie." instead, i think they all sit in the back, sipping on diet Cokes and giggle, "Hey Linda, James is up next. Great call setting up recess for ten minutes ago! Cant wait to see those pics!" With my luck, Ariana will have recess, gym, art, and a fire drill in the rain, right before spring pictures. But, the picture that results, although resembling a celebrity DUI mugshot, will proudly go on our coffee table. So Mrs White, lets try and see if we can get those pictures taken as the kids are getting off the bus, m-kay?

i did enjoy lunch, even in its loud, germy haze. it gave Ariana and i time to bond. So next time you find yourself eating an overpriced fast food meal at the exile table, smooth down your kids hair, give them a kiss, and shoot a smoldering glare at the PTA president at the next table. you’ll be glad you did.

Miss Independent

This was originally a one part post. Today, I had some events that have made me turn this into a two part post.

When Ne-yo came out with his song Miss Independent, there was this uprising of women wanting to be independent, and an equal amount of men who stated they felt a woman who was “independent” should take of herself totally and not depend on their male counterpart. I think that both can be achieved, but here is why I feel the way I do.

After 19 months of unemployment, I have a job offer that is out of this world. Good pay, great benefits, I already know the people who work there, so there wont be that new-person feeling...the only thing I have to do is get a car. Simple enough, right? Well back before tax season, Nel and I agreed that he would give me $1600 out of his return. Its only fair, I haven't hassled him for any money since he moved down to the beach. I knew he was trying to get his own place and things like that so I played the “nice baby mama” role and handled things myself. Needless to say, now his funds are “thin” and so I had a conversation with him today reminding him that I need my money so that I can get my car. He offered to help me get it, by using my money as a down payment, then financing the rest underneath him...I DONT THINK SO. This is where the “independent woman” in me steps in. I dont want any help from him with this. He owes me the money to begin with for the girls, so I dont consider that help, its a payment. But I refuse to have to continuously hear that he “helped” me. I havent told Nel about this job, because god forbid something happen and it falls thru, I will NEVER hear the end of it. This Job pays enough that I dont have to depend on him for anything. Nel is undependable. I cant live my life around him helping out, I had to go and find a job that covers it all regardless of his ever-changing work situation. Do I consider myself independent? Damn right. And any man should want that out of his woman. When times get tough, u have to make sure she can hold it down, and that is what I am in the process of establishing, my independence. I lived with him for 5 years and shit still went south, so why would I set things up for failure again?? I want to do it all by myself and that's that.

Recently, my cousin just left a relationship where the woman is pretty independent. She owns her own house, car, great job, she's got it all! BUT she made the mistake of saying “my man should take care of me”...unfortunately, my cousin saw this as a deal breaker and quit while he felt he was ahead. I understand both sides of this...he sees her house/car combo as “already been taken care of” and that now she is being greedy. She doesnt expect him to pay the house and car notes, she wants to be taken care of in that “im a queen” manner. To me, every woman deserves that. Just because I can pay my bills doesnt mean you cant spoil me in other manners!

Now back to Nel and I. This makes week number 5 where I have been in the house, and any excursion to the “outside world” has involved shots or a shopping cart. Im craving attention and a drink or two...guess who can't get up here? Upon my obvious instant attitude, I was criticized for not appreciating all that he does....Oh really? Sure, he was working two jobs, but I wasnt getting anything. Just because you come up to see us and take us to dinner or whatever, doesnt cover the bills. I still buy food, pampers, help with my parents bills...i mean, there are three of us and I am living virtually rent free in the scheme of things, so I try and help out the best I can. I took my savings (aka the money from all my belongings I had to ebay) to help out. That was my car money, and because of my lack of outside help, im a lot lower than I anticipated. Then all of a sudden, he tells me just take the money and do whatever I want to do with it....and it is now conveniently $300 less than before. NOT. HAPPY. This sparked a rather heated argument where I hung the phone up on him and refuse to talk to him unless it involves the girls...where this will go from here? Who knows. My patience is thin, and he is ruining my plans and dipping into my already low supply of sanity...

I guess the theme about this post, besides stressing about todays events lol, is that sometimes we have to do for ourselves as ladies. I am craving independence right now like you wouldnt believe, and I dont require his validation, support, hell, even his knowledge. Im going to take care of the girls the best I know how to and should he decide to help, well, that would be nice....

Sacrifice

What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of love?

ok so i'm not admitting to nosiness or snooping, but there has still been some contact between Nel and the person we had some issues with a while back. plus, there has been quite the addition of newer names to our phone book...hmmm. i wont even mention the one who had Nasty Girl next to her name. oh wait. i just mentioned her.

so anyway, not that i care about who/what he is doing, but what i dont appreciate is the daily questioning about when im going to come back to him, when im going to move down there where he is, when im going to fix our family.

Me? this is all on me?

Look, since the break up, which was July 4th of last year, i havent met or made any new male friends. i mean i have a few guys i keep contact with over the internet, but they are all in different states and are no threat to anyone. i might go out from time to time, but i havent taken the time out to persue anyone. could i? you are damned right i could.

back to my original question: what are u willing to sacrifice for the sake of love. are you willing to cut the bullshit out? can you set boundaries and follow them? i dont know if Nel has gotten it yet. of all my male friends, if i had to cut them out so that we could rebuild our relationship, i would do that. well, all except 1 who is more like a brother, but if it called for it, i would back off from him too.

im not seeing that Nel is willing to sacrifice yet. things have been a little bit better, but nowhere near where they need to be. remember that letter i wrote to him a few posts back? ( http://sadiquapgrownup.blogspot.com/2009/03/whats-wrong-with-you-letter-to-nel.html for any new readers...) well it detailed what he needed to work on. he has worked on a few things, his attitude has greatly improved and that was my main issue, but my second issue from the top was his lack of sacrifice. I cant make him sacrifice anything. that is something he has to work on himself but dammit, its a big one.

if he was serious, he would clean that phonebook out of all the "clutter"....aka any unnecessary women. if this relationship is ever going to be repaired, this is the final opportunity to get things back on track. and should i see a continued lack of sacrifice, im not going to even consider trying to fix things.

Even in Death, Love Prevails

im a sucker for a really good romantic story. i dont sit and pine away for my Prince Charming, but i do enjoy true love in its rawest, most exposed form. think The Notebook...

i want to share my fave love story with you. its about two people, Joe and Liz, who fell in love in the 1940's. Joe was the product of a gorgeous but meek wife and an abusive alcoholic father, while Liz's parents were hardworking store owners and farmers. Liz caught Joe's eye in a high school English class, (she was helping kids in his class with their reading skills) and they quickly fell in love. Unfortunately, Liz's parents weren't too fond of the ultra handsome, ultra suave playboy, and forbid them from seeing each other much. Like any good love story, they did anyway. Liz had three children with Joe, two boys and a girl, and they planned to marry despite what their parents said, but in the end, respect for their parents won out over their love. Despite a few tries at eloping, it never happened...Liz left and went to New York for a while to get away from things, and when she got back, Joe had met someone else. She went on to marry a salesman, and Joe married as well. Both had several children in their marriages, and remained in touch, up until Liz passed at the age of 78.

now, if u read my blog regularly, u might remember me mentioning my grandmother, Lizzie. she is the object of female attraction in this story, and her childrens father, Joseph, is my mothers father. My mom is that daughter they had while they were together. there is so much more to this story though, there was so much between them that we as a family didnt notice, but its worth talking about.

I always knew my grandpa and grandma remained close friends. i always thought that it was a friendly "baby mama/baby daddy" type of relationship, and they lived two miles away from each other, but it was so much deeper than that. over the years, grandpa visited with my grandma several times a week, they would sit and talk for hours. My grandpa's wife learned early in their marriage that he would be friends with my grandmother, and there was pretty much nothing she could do about it. harsh, i know, but she never mistrusted him because he put that out in the open and gave her the choice to stay or not. they went thru a lot together, including burying one of their two sons who passed at the age of 19. when grandma first got sick, he continued to visit with her to support her in any way he could. when she passed, he didnt come to the funeral...it didnt make sense why until a few weeks later on.

my sister went to talk to grandpa after grandma passed, and without asking, he proceeded to tell us what kind of woman she was: an honest, caring, individual, who, despite her undying and unwavering love for my grandpa, didnt step out of her marriage vows and remained faithful to her husband. he also said that she was the only woman he ever truly loved, and he loved her until the day she died. for this to mean something, u have to understand that my grandpa is a big, strapping, old school man, who is in that way of thinking where men dont discuss feelings, they dont say i love you, they dont cry, they are MEN. my sister said he teared up a bit talking about grandma, and then it made sense why he didnt come to the funeral: there was no way he would have made it thru the service. he loved her too much, and watching the love of his life being eulogized wouldnt have been easy on him at all, especially with your wife sitting next to you. it would have been hard to explain! but one thing he did do for her, was to help us with the bills for her service, and he told us whatever it was we wanted for her, to get it and he would pay for it.

a few weeks ago, grandpa called and said he hadnt been feeling well, we thought he'd had a stroke, and after being threatened by my mom and her siblings, he finally went to the hospital. my mom, as well as her step mom, thought he might just be moody and sad because of grandmas death, but as it turns out, he had a brain tumor. surgery removed 80% of it, but it was cancerous, so once again, we are faced with the realization that he, too, is dying. not even a year after grandma, her one true love is about to join her, and maybe then they can be together the way it was meant to be.

i dont tell this story to be sad, i tell it to make us take advantage of what love we have in our lives, to find friendship in lost loves, to make the most of the past and use it to preserve the future. their love spanned over 60 years and was 110% the entire time...no fighting, no bickering, some regrets, but no bitterness: the way i hope to look back on my lifetime and view things...

i hope that you've found your one true love, and if you haven't, keep your head up.