Saturday, May 23, 2009

Miss Independent


This was originally a one part post. Today, I had some events that have made me turn this into a two part post.

When Ne-yo came out with his song Miss Independent, there was this uprising of women wanting to be independent, and an equal amount of men who stated they felt a woman who was “independent” should take of herself totally and not depend on their male counterpart. I think that both can be achieved, but here is why I feel the way I do.

After 19 months of unemployment, I have a job offer that is out of this world. Good pay, great benefits, I already know the people who work there, so there wont be that new-person feeling...the only thing I have to do is get a car. Simple enough, right? Well back before tax season, Nel and I agreed that he would give me $1600 out of his return. Its only fair, I haven't hassled him for any money since he moved down to the beach. I knew he was trying to get his own place and things like that so I played the “nice baby mama” role and handled things myself. Needless to say, now his funds are “thin” and so I had a conversation with him today reminding him that I need my money so that I can get my car. He offered to help me get it, by using my money as a down payment, then financing the rest underneath him...I DONT THINK SO. This is where the “independent woman” in me steps in. I dont want any help from him with this. He owes me the money to begin with for the girls, so I dont consider that help, its a payment. But I refuse to have to continuously hear that he “helped” me. I havent told Nel about this job, because god forbid something happen and it falls thru, I will NEVER hear the end of it. This Job pays enough that I dont have to depend on him for anything. Nel is undependable. I cant live my life around him helping out, I had to go and find a job that covers it all regardless of his ever-changing work situation. Do I consider myself independent? Damn right. And any man should want that out of his woman. When times get tough, u have to make sure she can hold it down, and that is what I am in the process of establishing, my independence. I lived with him for 5 years and shit still went south, so why would I set things up for failure again?? I want to do it all by myself and that's that.

Recently, my cousin just left a relationship where the woman is pretty independent. She owns her own house, car, great job, she's got it all! BUT she made the mistake of saying “my man should take care of me”...unfortunately, my cousin saw this as a deal breaker and quit while he felt he was ahead. I understand both sides of this...he sees her house/car combo as “already been taken care of” and that now she is being greedy. She doesnt expect him to pay the house and car notes, she wants to be taken care of in that “im a queen” manner. To me, every woman deserves that. Just because I can pay my bills doesnt mean you cant spoil me in other manners!

Now back to Nel and I. This makes week number 5 where I have been in the house, and any excursion to the “outside world” has involved shots or a shopping cart. Im craving attention and a drink or two...guess who can't get up here? Upon my obvious instant attitude, I was criticized for not appreciating all that he does....Oh really? Sure, he was working two jobs, but I wasnt getting anything. Just because you come up to see us and take us to dinner or whatever, doesnt cover the bills. I still buy food, pampers, help with my parents bills...i mean, there are three of us and I am living virtually rent free in the scheme of things, so I try and help out the best I can. I took my savings (aka the money from all my belongings I had to ebay) to help out. That was my car money, and because of my lack of outside help, im a lot lower than I anticipated. Then all of a sudden, he tells me just take the money and do whatever I want to do with it....and it is now conveniently $300 less than before. NOT. HAPPY. This sparked a rather heated argument where I hung the phone up on him and refuse to talk to him unless it involves the girls...where this will go from here? Who knows. My patience is thin, and he is ruining my plans and dipping into my already low supply of sanity...

I guess the theme about this post, besides stressing about todays events lol, is that sometimes we have to do for ourselves as ladies. I am craving independence right now like you wouldnt believe, and I dont require his validation, support, hell, even his knowledge. Im going to take care of the girls the best I know how to and should he decide to help, well, that would be nice....

3 comments:

Aisha, R.F. said...

Ok, I've read your post. I won;t say that i understand completely your situation cuz i don't. But i do understand that you as a woman is trying to be independent to the fullest. My advice to you is simple, do what makes you happy. Try to make a budget on whatever money you have. Don't plan things if you ain't got the money. As for the man, well if you feel in your heart that there's no advancement, get the fuck out. It's real talk, you have the girls and yourself to take care of, it's enough. If he can't stand up to your level, then you need to brush him off and only talk about the girls. Stay strong, it won't be easy. But like they say, when there's a will there's a can!!! Keep your head up no matter what.

It is what it is!
Aisha, R.F.

ShadGG02 said...

i have always believed that women are going to do whatever they can for the sake of their children. i applaud u gettin the job and wantin to make sure u have the means to get there.....
ur struggle is not about u, its about those girls. i pray that he understands that someday.
keep seeking that independence. its what makes u stronger for ur girls and in turn, they will be stronger in the future.

JSADTheKing said...

I wouldn't deal with anything less than a independent woman. I think for a successful relationship it takes to independent people to make it work. Two people both are pulling their own weight. I also believe that women need to clarify what they mean by a man to take care of them, lol, I hope it means to be a man in her life, to put forth the effort to be there for her and the kids, to be a shoulder, a massage therapist, lol, and even the maintenance man. If we are both putting forth a hundred percent then the money should never be an issue.