Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What's Wrong With YOU: letter to Nel

Nel,

ok, you want to know whats wrong with you? uncut, uncensored? be warned, i may hurt feelings but you want to know, so here u go.

you are a good guy. let me put that out there front and center. there are so many things i didnt have to worry about in a relationship with you, like beatings or felonies or not having a job. but there is so much more to this than that.

my mom, my dad, my sisters, my girlfriends, YOUR parents, YOUR siblings, YOUR friends...have all mentioned how you talk to me. thats right, that smart azz loud mouth of yours. does it ever occur to you how loud you are? apparently not, because i have heard for years, "you really shouldnt let him talk to you like that"...i think ive heard the word DISRESPECTFUL, BLUNT and COARSE used several times. of course, nobody mentions this to you, but i have to hear it over and over again. you cuss at me, not only in private, but in front of OTHER PEOPLE...and im not talking about kidding or playing around, just disrespectful tones/words/attitudes. and yes, i am to blame for poppin off at the mouth back at you, but i have since learned it does no good and you are just rude. you have anger issues and it has been expressed to me several times by people that they disapproved of your attitude and thought i should leave you...yes, that is right, some of the people you know and love have told me to leave over the years because of that but love is blind...lord knows that is the truth.

you have to learn by example: if what you are doing isnt working, you try something else that is working for someone else. you have so many good examples of men in your life, your dad, uncles, brother, friends, cousins, my dad and family...why is it that you dont try to emulate any of them? good strong black men are so hard to find and you are surrounded by them but dont follow some of their best teachings and examples. calm temperments and christian lifestyles can go a long way. im not judging completely because i just started going back to church full time and its done a world of good for me. you need to do the same thing. i dont care if its baptist or whatever. something with Jesus as the main focus and the bible as the scripture and you are on your way. i am doing my best and i pray for you all the time. i am never specific because i dont know what needs to be done in your life, only god.

i have said this til i was blue in the face and i will say it once more: you, under no circumstances, are to never throw the status/location/relationship of Ari's sperm donor in my damn face again. ever. you play that good guy role and take care of her and claim her when u are around, but u make little comments like, i do more than her real daddy, or , yeah lets see what your boy does for her when he gets home. you seem to love bringing this up when we are slam in the middle of an arguement that has ZERO to do with her or her no good azz daddy. i know he aint shit, but why you feel the need to use him to boost yourself up in my eyes? damn right i said it. YOU USE HIM AS A BOOST. just because he has been replaced in her eyes by you doesnt mean that shit will work with me, telling me how wonderful u are and how he hasnt done anything. by comparison yes, you look like a saint. but he is none of your business and i refuse to have him shoved in my face. i did things without him and can continue on that same path.

you are needy. needy as in, do this, do that...i broke you out of some of that nonsense over the years, but you still insist on me being some form of servant. YOU are not my husband, therefore there is no submitting to you. i blame myself for letting you get away with it for so long but i know better now. seriously, you act so needy sometimes that i wonder if you can do things on your own. i know, you probably said Hell yes i can do anything without you...but can you really? even split up you are still calling me and asking me to do favors for you. GROW UP. i have 2 children but when you get to whining like them i feel like i have 3.

my daddy told me that men dont change because women want them to and it was the best advice i have ever gotten from him. but seriously you have to listen to what women say and see if there is room for change in your life! i never asked you to change, mainly because it would have been a complete waste of time, but you should have known what needed to be WORKED ON. dont change or do a half azzed attempt because of me. do it for yourself. my only concern was making you a better man for our family. why would i sabotage that? any suggestion/hint i made was out of love and concern but you saw it as "changing" you...well fine. if you want to be only half the man i think you can be, suit yourself.

you made me not tell you anything. i cant stand having old, non-important bullshit thrown up in my face. from the money u put down towards my car to the rent u paid alone while i was on maternity leave, give it a break. thats why i didnt tell you shit. my bill was late? id rather pay late fees than hear your mouth two years from now reminding me about how you paid it for me. that is why i handled things on my own. you call it "Independant" and i say thank you. you never learned to let things stay in the past that are not relevant to the present or future. sure, i would bring up the suspected cheating/lying when it resurfaced, but it was relevant to where i needed to go and what i needed to do in life. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and thanks, but no thanks. i had quite enough of that.

OH GOODNESS, i hate to have to bring this up, but you have yet to learn the meaning of sacrifice...i have seen you spend money on things that werent important over bills....and not on good or nice things, like a vacation or dinner out. REALLY STUPID THINGS, LIKE BIKE WEEK! you arent concerned with anyone but yourself, and until that happens u arent going to be worth much to anyone. instead of living a dream with your head in the clouds, how about you take care of what should be your number one concern, not a damn bike, or a damn helmet for the bike, or designer sunglasses, or a new chain, or a newer car, or weed: YOUR CHILD. stop putting yourself first and take care of her...this has pissed me off for years, even before Niecy was born. you are so quick to do for yourself. yeah, i know you did a lot for me, but not without being reminded over and over, and not without you running a tab of who has done more for the other one. stop looking at new cars and trying to upgrade all the damn time. nobody cares but you. in the end that is all you are going to have left.

maybe this last thing is just a product of my environment, but i freakin hate being checked up on. i dont mean an occasional text, i mean the several occasions where dozens of phone calls have been made. DOZENS. i prided myself on being that cool girlfriend, the one who doesnt feel the need to check up on you if i havent heard from you. and why should i? what the hell does that stop? you still did your dirt in the end, me calling you did nothing to stop it, matter of fact you were calling her after we hung up. i lived in a house where some days, my daddy didnt call from work to "check" on my grown azz mom. she didnt call bothering him either. why in the hell would i sit and have a conversation on the phone with you at 3pm? what the hell are we gonna talk about later on tonight? my parents gave each other the room that i didnt see myself getting with you. all it ever did was piss me off further.

you know what i want in a man? let me tell you, since you were missing a few qualities: i want a tender, sweet love...one that makes sacrifices for me. one that takes care of home and knows where to go to look for examples. i cant make sacrifices for you and not get them in return...its just not fair...treat me like a LADY. i dont ask to be spoiled, but at least tell me you want to spoil me. basically the opposite of what had been happening. i have grown a lot in six years, most women would in their 20's. you have to learn for that next girl that growth demands change. what works for her now might not work for her ten years down the road...you get out of a relationship what you put into it, so next time you need to dig really deep.

Bee

i think thats it.

1 comments:

**5 Star Chick** said...

Again i love this post..Im gonna send this directly to my pest (EX) n tell him to take notes