Pants On Fire

blog i posted elsewhere a while ago...right when all this was starting...

i hate a liar.

what exactly is a liar? websters defines a liar as a person who tells lies. and a lie is defined as a story a person tells with the intent of deceiving another person.
wow. that is kinda strong, isnt it? to intentionally deceive another person. to go out of your way and be dishonest about something to cover your own a**. okay, so my definition isnt Websters, but its close enough.

what do people lie about that isnt completely wrong? plenty. women lie about age and weight. men lie about their height. we lie when people ask if they look fat in those jeans, or that yes, your mothers dinner was the best you've ever had. in the end, these lies dont really hurt anyone. nor are they meant to be hurtful.

but sometimes, you get hit in the face with a lie so blatant and stunning, you blink in shock and wonder when you got "dumba**" tattooed on your forehead. that type of lie that makes you nauseous and cold with the realization that the person didnt think enough of you to tell the truth.
are you a liar in training? or want to make sure you are doing it right? here are some rules for lying:
-be prepared to lose something in the process: a friend, family member, relationship, job. the list goes on and on. it doesnt matter. you can lie about it later.
-if someone asks you IN DETAIL about something, you might want to go on and tell the truth. they probably already know the truth and you will be caught lying. then you have to lie some more.
-most people dont want their feelings "spared". they want the truth. damn morals.
-if you know the truth is gonna cost you something anyway, you may as well tell it. why tack "liar" to the list of things you are?
-don't swear on anything when you are lying. god, your moms grave, Mary of Magdalene...nothing. you might have to take that up with someone later on...
-nobody is going to believe a word you say ever again. if you say the sky is blue, people will be peeking thru blinds to make sure.
-once that trust is broken, your chances of ever getting back to that level of trust are slim to none. ouch.
-have your story together before you lie. throw a few "ah's" and "um's" in for good measure. you can also repeat the question or rephrase it to buy yourself some time. look up at the ceiling, or down at the floor. fiddle with your hands. better yet, dont do it in person. do it over the phone, that way they cant see you at all!
-if you feel justified in your lie, back that sh*t up! "man up" as they say. dont back down!
-keep a calendar. you are going to want to throw in some dates or time periods to further make your lie seem real.
-if you are caught lying, lie again. and again. then flip the script on the other person. if they are dumb enough, they will change the subject to defend themselves and forget about the web you were weaving...
-become friends with other liars. after a while there may be no family or friends in your life left to hear the bulls*it that come from your lips. but other liars always love to hear your stories about how you squeezed out of that tight situation!
-prepare to be alone. and dont bother apologizing. it wont work. and you are probably lying about the apology too, so thats just another list of crap you have to keep track of! follow the KISS rule! (keep it simple, stupid)

have you been lied to? here is your list of rules...
-CUT. NO. SLACK.
-have consequences. real ones. ones that get your point across.
-never back down. once the liar knows you know they are lying, they will try and shift the blame on you. this isnt about you. its about the liar.
-know (most of the people, most of the time) you dont deserve it.
-replace these liars with people who dont lie. once a liar, probably always a liar. at least about the original subject of the lie.
-realize that you dont have to accept apologies. i know that is sooo un-Christian like. but lets face it. most of the apologies arent honest. its a way to calm your nerves and make it seem like they have changed and that lie just so happened to fall out their mouths.
-forgive and forget is done on a personal basis. or at least the forget part is. you can forgive if you want to. thats your business and its healthy for your mental state. but if you cant forget, its best you move on.

i hope my diatribe (blog for those of you who havent graduated high school or taken your SAT's yet) on lying was informative, and whether you are a liar, been lied to, reformed liar, or contemplating becoming one, you know what to do and how to do it well.

those of you who know me well, know that i joke and kid around on a constant basis, and i even joke around in this blog. but i am personally tired of being taken for a fool, and if you find yourself in the same situation, at work, or home, hell, even on MySpace, its time to free yourself from the drama...everything will be alright in the end. if its not alright, its not the end...

Bee

The Goldilocks Effect

well i got out last night. had a great evening with my 2 bff's and another girl who i think will become a friend very easily. Nel stayed with the girls. he couldnt stay out my face before i left, even took time out to pull me aside and tell me to not show my ass. i laughed and told him to get lost. When my girlfriend came to pick me up, i kissed the girls and headed out. he followed me to the door and asked could he get a goodbye hug. once again, i laughed and left.

besides the fact that of course, he managed to text me while i was out, it was a good night. i had a few really good drinks, headed home, and, due to that alcohol-blurred judgement, did the one thing i have said i would NOT do. we had sex.

it was sweet, tender, soft...all the things that i need from him right now. he whispered his regrets in my ear and apologized numerous times. it was high, it was low, it was what i call Goldilocks syndrome: everything was "just right"...i have mentioned before that we dont have issues in this area. in fact, we make up harder than we fight. i guess we just have a lot of passion together, whether its negative or positive. he brings things out of me that surprise both of us, and i do the same to him. that said, i felt and still feel guilty. there is a level of comfort that we have with each other when it comes to sex, it is so easy to fall back into that trap and forget the reason we were fighting to begin with. it is a major distraction.

i cant help but think what might be going thru his mind. "yep, it still works!", "she just USED me!", "i knew she couldnt keep this nonsense up"...i feel like i went back on what i said in that moment of weakness with him. i still dont want him to think things are getting back to normal.

it is scary though...mom warned me when this all started: if you let him go to do what he wants, he just may do that. i dont want to be viewed as that safe, definite jump-off, aka his steady, easy to coax booty call. i want him to get things together and work towards a common goal. im stuck...do i continue to show that weakness around him? or do i tough it out and suffer in the meantime...i really dont know what direction to take.

i cornered him outside when he was leaving and laid one of those long, deep kisses on him. i dont know if he was surprised or not, but it took everything in me to pull back. it could have gone a lot further and a lot deeper and this clearly would have been my fault, seeing as there was no alcohol in my system. this would have been a completely sober experience.

i guess now my heart is fighting with my head. my heart is desperate to get things back the way they were. my head knows better. i guess the Goldilocks effect isnt apparent in this entire situation, but at least the part that has always worked with us still does.

Breaking Loose

Nel will be here tomorrow to see the girls. i will be leaving tomorrow night to have a night on the town.

i havent had a break in a while. its difficult being with the baby 24-7, and sometimes i need a break badly. i told him when he comes up, be prepared to stay the night, because i dont plan on coming in at a decent hour. i deserve that. he said that all he does is work down there.

that, my friends, may be the case. but he has 3 things i dont have: money, a car, and no need for a babysitter, aka freedom. im too worn out to run to Wal-mart in the evenings, let alone fraternize with some of my girlfriends past 8.

im just tired in general. tired of living at my parents house, tired of being unemployed, tired of doing things alone. i appreciate the help i do get, but the help i am supposed to get? nonexistant. i see now why men leave. coming home to an angry, bitter, attention-starved woman like me would run the most Christian man into his mothers arms. im trying to get better, but it is taking longer than i expected.

part of me is still mad he has the easy end of this. sure, i could go on down there, try and force a smile on my face and pretend i wasnt betrayed, but that isnt me. i cant run back because im suffering in so many ways. my head tells me its the logical thing to do, but my heart and my soul tell me its still not fixed and i just cant put myself thru anymore.

right now i just plan to go out, have a few drinks, maybe flirt a little. i know my heart wont be in it completely, but i will just have to follow my head for once.

Out of all of us....

She thought it would have lasted a very long time.

"she" is Tee, one of my bff's from elementary school. hadnt talked to her for several months til today. she has been trying to stalk me like several other people in my life. i havent been one for much conversation recently, but she understood after she had heard what had been going on.

Tee was expressing her sympathy towards Grandma's passing, and asked me how things were since Nel had moved. i laughed softly and told her that we had split.

"You what? you split up?" she said, shocked. "But i thought, out of all of us..." her voice trailed off, and i could imagine her thru the phone, shaking her head in disbelief. i know what the rest of the sentence was: you would have lasted forever.

my girlfriends relationships run the gamut. some are rocky, some are still questioned, others are wonderful. somehow, we got categorized into the wonderful category. Nel and i, other than his habit of sharing our relationship details with his "female friends" never really discussed our relationship. or at least i didnt. i think that is why it came as such a shock to people. we werent the type to argue in public, or rant and rave to other people. if things didnt get worked out, they just didnt get worked out. end of story. other people werent involved. from the outside looking in things were...normal.

i hope that Tee never envied us. i hope nobody envied us. our relationship had its ups and downs like everyone elses does. it just goes to show you what happens behind closed doors can be far different from what you see on the outside.

The Next Time Around....

Dad said something to me that i didnt really like. he told me the next man i bring into Ari's life better be a permanant one.

he wasnt saying it to be rude, or hateful, or discouraging. if my relationship can be saved, he wants it saved. but on the chance it doesnt, he wants me to make sure his granddaughters dont get hurt.

my intentions as a parent, even though i started early in life, was to never hurt my child. i was very careful in the year and a half i was single before i met Nel to never expose her to anyone i dated. i felt as though i lucked up with him and didnt have to worry about things, i guess i felt like we would be together for a while and i wouldnt have to expose her to a "mommy is here, daddy is there" type of situation. so she is now close to a man who she considers her father (although i believe she knows he isnt) and, should i decide to date in the future, will now be exposed, along with Niecy, to mommy dating. i just dont like that. but its also something i guess i have to accept.

ive said before that i accept i might have to be alone. that "bad by myself" mentality continues to kick me in the ass. although it isnt an ideal situation, it might be realistic.

Nel and i talked last night for a while. i asked him when he came to see the girls again to try and stay the night so i could have a real break. he agreed, and then said he would try to give me some money. i said no, i dont need you to pay for me going out. and i dont. the only thing money-wise that i want from him is for Niecy. Ari doesnt require much, but the baby is expensive. thats all i ask, that he help with her expenses. of course, he goes into this speech about oh, well you must have found you a baller then, you dont need my money.

i get really tired of being accused of going after a "baller"...it was old the second time he mentioned it, and he has mentioned it a lot. i suppose i should start accusing him of seeing a supermodel now? a girl who can pay him ten times more attention than he got with me? that would be hard to do, but i guess if we are going after something better, thats what he should aim for.

another thing he said that seriously annoyed me was the implication that i wasnt accepting his attempts to fix things. "i have apologized, thats all i can do." really? that isnt all you can do. that would have worked the first time, but after this much damage, an apology is the least of my concern.

i dont even know where to begin! and frankly, it isnt my position to tell him what he needs to do. i guess i can try though...

1. GROW THE FUCK UP. this isnt about you anymore. this isnt about me anymore. you need attention? please. part of being a parent and an adult is sacrifice. that means if i am preoccupied and not paying you as much attention, you suck it up like a big boy and deal with it. i always have. your main concern is your child. not your dick or your ego.

2. LOOK AT THE FUTURE...everything you do and say affects the kids. do you really want me to tell them years down the road WHY mommy and daddy arent together? how do you think that is going to make you look...it hasnt occurred to you because you have both parents in your life. imagine if you mom told you that daddy left because he was unfaithful, or a liar. its one thing if you just grow apart and fall out of love, but there can be serious damage on the other hand.

3. LISTEN. and by listen i mean shut up and pay attention. everything you need to know is said out loud. if you dont understand, that means you arent listening good enough.

4. EARN THAT TRUST BACK. and honestly, i dont know what that will entail. ive been told countless times that you can learn to trust again. but how? i need help in that area, learning to take you at face value. i gave you the benefit of the doubt so much that the benefit has been completely depleted. there is nothing left but doubt.

5. APPRECIATE ME. and that means doing all of the above and then some. i got tired of being called your "girl" like we were in high school. what kind of shit is that? im 27, if i want to be someones girl, i will date a 20 year old. acknowledge the little things that i do. sometimes i would do things that would go completely unnoticed. i felt like a maid and nanny some days. i was faithful, a mother to your child, your backup when you needed it, your nurse, your secretary, why didnt that count for something? why didnt those things pop in your head when you were doing wrong?

6.REALIZE THAT IF I RETURN, THE NEXT TIME I LEAVE WILL BE PERMANENT. thats right. there is no next time if things get fixed. i am DONE. and in a way, i feel done now. the longer it takes to fix things this time around, the less hope i have that it needs to be fixed. i dont want the drama, the heartache, the distrust...it is just too too much.

DO RIGHT BY ME, OR NOT AT ALL.

Wishful Thinking

normally i have nothing to write about twice in one day. today i do.

i was already in a vulnerable mood about the whole 6 year anniversary thing. my sister told me to watch The Notebook...i declined. nobody in the house realized what today was but me. i dont think she would have suggested it if she had known.

this afternoon i got a text message that started a chain along these lines:

Nel: thanks for coming with me yesterday...miss us spending time together!

Me:well im glad you got to see the baby longer than usual.

Nel: is there any future for us... i miss u and the kids

Me: dont ever doubt that i love you. always have, always will. we have some serious work to do and i just dont know where to fix things...

Nel: love u

me: i know you do but you have to realize my heart cant take much more of this. things have to change one way or the other. point blank.

*sigh. i just dont know where to begin. i think i should probably just leave it alone....

Six

its just after midnight, Saturday morning, and i realized a minute ago, that today would be our six year anniversary.

friday was funeral day for his grandmother. unlike my grandmothers funeral, i made sure i made it to the funeral and spent time with his family. it was hard as usual, having to pretend i liked him sooo much while the relatives that know me continuously called me the wife/girlfriend. i ran out of ways to explain a kid does not make me a wife or girlfriend. that much is apparent in my life.

so six years, huh. thats a long time. hell, some couples meet, marry, and divorce in less than six years. it does make me sad to think things ended before this pivotal moment in the relationship. deep down inside i have a little person standing there yelling at me, "stop this! just forgive him and stop looking thru his stuff and work on things and just let him start over. you know you miss him, you know how stressful it is to be angry at him, so why put yourself thru all of this for nothing?"

on the other hand is the other person, who really wants to strangle the other little person. she constantly reminds me "he is a liar. he cheated, or at least was participating in the initial stages of cheating. he lied about everything, and continues to lie. he has never been honest with you, and you put up with that for so long. you are finally free of this nonsense, why go back? why turn back to the lies and cheating. screw being lonely, call a friend, email someone, do anything you can to move forward and show him it is very very possible for you to move on and that you have."

someone told me the other day that i needed to let Nel go. i thought i had done that, but in ways that only i know, i havent completely. sure, im not out dating, i dont think that is appropriate right after ending a relationship that long. i dont even feel like dating. i just want to chill and enjoy the drama-free part of life i have freed up. sure, there is still drama in my life, but this was a doozy, and cutting it off has been like ridding myself of a cancer. it isnt there to kill my spirit anymore.

what would we have done this anniversary? probably nothing. he has never remembered an anniversary. hell, he went out of town to a football game one year. about a week after, it usually hits him and he asks what we did, i dont know why, because we dont do anything. dont get me wrong, ive never been that girl that wanted to celebrate the 1/2 year anniversary of our first kiss or stick of gum or anything like that. but to actually remember and acknowledge how long i've been your "girl" would have been nice in the past. no dinner or anything, but just a kiss and maybe a card stating how much you appreciate me. i dont ask for the world. just 3 minutes of your time.

this year i will buy myself a card and tell myself how much i appreciate ME. because i deserve it. nobody can love me like me, right?

i guess this year i will really find out.