An Update!

I know, I know…I haven’t blogged in so long! It’s a shame too, so much has happened in the last few months.

I started a new job, love it!
Then my laptop cord died on me and I couldn’t afford a new one…
I lost several family members….hated it! (I will definitely blog about them later on….)
I got my car! And then it died >:-( but now it’s fixed!
My sister informed us a few days ago that she is going to the Coast Guard. wtf.

The past few months have been a serious rollercoaster of emotions for me, and I haven’t even gotten to Nel yet. Sigh. Actually, nothing has really been going on with us. He is still begging to get back together, and he is also working two jobs, so unfortunately, I get minimum breaks now. Since I am also working with children, I basically get ZERO breaks! That sucks. I went for so long without a car and now that I have one, and on occasion, a few dollars burning my pockets, I can’t leave because my mom watches the kids, so after-hours babysitting earns me a side eye. Just one more example of something I have to remind Nel about frequently…he still doesn’t understand what it’s like not getting a break from things. Sure, he works two jobs, but if he wanted to save his money up and take a vacation in a few months, he could do that without a second thought. I don’t have that luxury. I can barely pee without the little one knocking on the door.

I know what some of you are saying…take those kids, and drop them right off at his house and keep it moving. don’t get me wrong…that thought crosses my mind every day. Hell, the last few times he has come up, he hasn’t even stayed overnight, just for a few hours and then went right back home, long enough for me to go grocery shopping or do laundry. yay. what kind of break is that???

I have decided that from now on, once a month, he has to take them. Completely. it can be the same weekend every month but dammit I am overdue in the “take care of me” department and I can’t do it when I am looking at these two children every day! I’m single, working, have a car, I deserve to enjoy life. I don’t know how he is going to feel about it but frankly, I am not concerned. I know he has two jobs but one is on weekdays only so he can tell the other job that once a month they have to shove it. NOT MY PROBLEM!

oh well. there are other things going on in my wacky, wonderful life. I promise to get them updated soon!

Meet Me Halfway

hmph. so i gotta car. it isn't the BMW i dreamed of, but its decent transportation and i got a complete STEAL so who's complaining? I'll tell you who: Nel is.

if i hear one more time about "when are you going to bring the kids to see me?" i am gonna cut someone. i think he still has the undying dream that we are a "family" and that if i bring the girls down, there's no way I'm going to just come back home. boy does he have another thing coming. I understand that for the past year, any and all visiting has been him coming down here. HOWEVER, with my current job situation, i cant gallivant all over Virginia so he can play daddy for the day. besides that, i need a damn BREAK. I'm not taking the kids down there so he can watch TV on the couch while i chase after them! NO SIR! i can stay HOME and do that shit!

am i wrong? is it time for me to step up and start running them up and down the road more?

Ten People I Hate: a Throwback

Posted April 2008
Ten people i hate...are you one of them?


there are ten people i hate. please tell me you are not one of them...

10. Mrs. walks-too-slowly-across-the-street-at-walmart...is there lead in your a**? i was nice enough to let you cross in front of me, why can't you move faster??? This aint Maymont, no strolling. Move it.

9. Mr. picks-his-nose-at-the-stop-light...dude, unless you are in the back of a limo, WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. please, use a kleenex. or at least a leftover napkin from Quiznos. save your gold mining for somewhere less public. its gross.

8. Mrs. doesnt-discipline-her-kids-in-public...aka Mrs. whispering softly to Bobby to please get out the floor next to produce and i promise ill buy you a happy meal and two toys...this is all very simple. hand + a** = being able to go in public and not look like a crappy parent.

7. Mr. i-cant-decide-what-to-order-at-the-McDonalds-drivethru. unless you are from a remote island in indiginous Peru, you know what a Mcdonalds is. for those 7 people, Mcdonalds has basically three things. Beef, fries, and etc. really, just pick a number 1 thru 10, and say "with a coke" and you will probably be okay. dont make me get out the car...

6. Mrs. WELCOME-TO-WACHOVIA-WOULD-YOUR-CHILD-LIKE-A-LOLLIPOP???... lady, she didnt even realize you had them until three loud seconds ago. now, if i say yes, i have to find wrappers and sticks for the next six months, and clean sticky handprints off my back windows. not to mention the hyperactivity. if i say no, i have to hear whining. its a catch 22.

5. Mr. doesnt-hold-the-door-for-ANYONE... you sir, are an a**. i have met you at every possible establishment. dont pretend you dont see me struggling with two children, a diaper bag and a stroller. one of these days you are going to catch me after a sleepless night and im gonna let you have it.

4. Mrs. loud-private-cell-phone-conversation-in-the-checkout-line...wow. this has been a very informative 3 minutes in line behind you. not only does your sisters ex lovers cousin have an std, he hasnt come out the closet and he just bought a new honda. throw in the fact that you are totally fixing Aunt Trudys pot roast for dinner, and you owe me about ten minutes of my life back.

3. mr/mrs international-bill-collector/telemarketer. hm. yeah, um, Sprint? in the future, i will totally need someone WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH FLUENTLY to handle my issues. please do not connect me to an Indian person named Lisa. (Lisa? really? thats your birth name? i think not.) and nnnnooooooooo. i dont need somebody from New Dheli telling me about vacation packages. i swear the next one to call is gonna get a speech about bills and why 6 nights in Jamaica aint gonna pay them.

2. mr or mrs whoever-controls-the-gas-prices. your a** is mines.

1. Mr and miss I-HATE-MY-JOB-SO-I AM-GONNA-COMPLAIN-LOUDLY-ABOUT-IT-IN-FRONT-OF-MY-CUSTOMER. usually in their teenaged years, this species seems to be concentrated in my local Walmart. this animal can change right in front of your eyes, usually into the elusive I-CANT-WAIT-TO-GET-OFF-IN-TEN-MINUTES, or even the I-GOT-OFF-HALF-AN-HOUR-AGO-WHY-ISNT-MY-REPLACEMENT-HERE-YET. look, i hate coming into walmart as much as you hate working here, so i know how you feel. i understand that half your co-workers didnt bring their hungover a**es in today. i also understand you are one of the 3 cashiers open at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday when there are 30 other lanes. but please, work with me. you ring up my trash bags, $5.00 gallon of milk, and wine coolers, and i wont tell your boss that you "was totally 'bout to walk up out dis b*tch". see? im easy to get along with!


honorable mentions: Ms. doesnt-fill-my-cup-all-the-way-at-the-Wendys-drivethru, mrs. mispronounces-my-name-LOUDLY-in-the-doctors-office-waiting-room, Mr. talks-to-me-like-a-child-when-i-get-my-oil-changed, and ex-President Bush.

You Don't Get a Thank You

Sooo. it appears Nel is super extra pissed at me because i didnt thank him for giving me the money that i require to get a car so i can get a job. Let me start at the beginning...

Nel left in July. i decided then that i wouldnt be that "evil baby mama" and let him just do right, or at least i would give him the chance first. although he is unreliable as hell at times, i figured i would give the opportunity to act responsibly without getting the courts involved, because they are ruthless as hell and him getting locked up behind some child support does me NO good..

anyway, i got little sprinkles of money for a few months. and i mean sprinkles. my parents got heated (and still are!) because while he was down there "getting his things together" i was up here living rent free at my parents house. They felt that he should be at least paying me enough for me to help out around here, and they are right. two kids use a lot of water/electricity! i asked him if he finally had things in order so that i could start getting steady, decent amounts. im not being unreasonable, i just want to take care of the baby, because diapers are not free, and i have been selling half my belongings on eBay just so i can purchase things for her. THAT IS NOT RIGHT...

he had the nerve to tell me that after paying his brother for staying with him, paying his car note, and paying his insurance, he didnt have any extra money, and that what he did have left over, he put in his gas tank and came to see the girls. I. WENT. OFF. Extra? you dont have any EXTRA?? i very sweetly let him know that if i took him to court, that "extra" would be the first thing coming out of his check every 2 weeks! your child support isnt EXTRA MONEY. it is a necessity and i cant function when you are being trifling! i even suggested he stop visiting as much. YES i told him to cut back on his trips. all he would do is show up with stuff, park on my moms couch, turn on dads digital cable on the big screen downstairs, and then send the baby to me when she needs to be changed...Then he would head to sleep, stay on the couch til noon, repeat, and then go home. that is a damn vacation. all that was missing is the mini-bar.

true, i was not working, what else is new? does anyone have a job these days? i wasnt getting called back even for really minor jobs so whatever he gave me was what i had, and he was QUICK to tell me maybe i needed to get a job as if i was NOT trying...

anyway, back to the original topic. once tax time came around, he said he would "totally break me off" since i hadnt really gotten much from him for a while. and by much, im thinking maybe $150 total over several months. he promised about $1500 to me so i could get a car, because all my savings/eBay funds have been going towards paying my parents for things and picking up his slack. as time went by, it eventually dwindled to $1200. yeah, i was pissed, but it was better than what i had been getting. i got my first installment a few weeks ago so i knew he still owed me 1k, and yesterday was going to be payday, right?

he came in with $500. i didnt understand what was going on...i figured we were gonna get this whole payment thing taken care of for good so i could tally up how much i had and make some moves. i asked him when i would get the rest of it and he said in 2 weeks. i asked him why i didnt just get the entire amount and he said if it was THAT big of a deal, he would go get it then. (really? if you had it why not just give it to me???) i told him with a bit of attitude not to worry about it, just get to me whenever it was convenient for him. he left, got the rest, and threw it on the desk where i was sitting. i let that little disrespect slide...

well i get a text saying "you could have said thank you" or whatever. so i told him i did thank him for the flowers (yep. he brought flowers for me.) and the cherry set (long story, but extra cute) but he was mainly concerned about the money. the next text said "its the f*cking point of it all, u act like i dont do sh*t. dont worry about it, how many b*tches get money like that at one time? its all good, i see how you truly are."

after i laughed (which took a good while to get over, because i thought that was hilarious), i sent him a text back basically saying i "got it all at once" because he OWED me that money. duh. please dont flatter yourself *sigh*

and let me just say to anyone male or female who is paying support in any kind of way...what i do with that money or what the other parent does with that money? DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. he said i wasnt going to use the money for the baby, i was going to get a car, which i had to remind him would take me to a job that would in turn pay for things for the baby...!

when my dad was a probation officer, he spent a ton of time in juvenile court. he said he constantly heard how the non custodial parent (usually dad) would complain to the judge about how the custodial parent (usually the mom) would take the CS money and use it for her car note, rent, gas money, insurance, etc. and how it wasnt going towards the child. time after time, the judge would remind the paying parent that rent must be paid to shelter the child, gas and a car note enabled the other parent to drive to work and make the rest of the money to support the child. THEN you had the paying parents who said "she is using my money for her hair/nails/etc." and the judge didnt care. matter of fact, they didnt care even if they were smoking that money up! if the child was getting taken care of and wasnt starving, abused, etc, then the courts wouldnt interfere. i know it seems wrong on a few levels, but if i take the money that Nel gives me and buy an ice sculpture just to watch it melt in the sun, then so be it. because every other dollar i get benefits her and that little $75 he scrapes up for me is not going to be stressing me once i start work! it goes back to what i said a few posts back about being independent: im not budgeting around him. im doing it around myself so that i dont have these problems.

anyway, he called me this morning, fussed about me being ungrateful, and then hung up on me. lol havent heard anything since! and at this point, i really dont care! I have some cars to research online...

In Re: to Letter from Nel

i cant believe you would say i didnt want to work things out. you have no idea how many nights i have prayed that things would work themselves out with us. i have talked to people that have my best interest as well as yours at heart...i am in this 100% now, i have a child with you that now has me linked with your family, who i care sooo much about you wouldnt believe it. nobody can deny that i love you, not even you. i never imagined things would get to this point, but i cant be like this anymore. i cant have doubts. i cant be sad. i cant feel lonely even with you there. i know you see me as being just cold about this, but with all i have had going on i dont have a choice. i can either just break down completely or hold it back. i cant afford to break down right now. i have to fight thru everything im feeling and deal with it later on.this back and forth isnt good for me. the up and down and left and right is making me sick. i need stability. i need something in my life that is dependable and steady and i dont have to worry about it. this shit was seriously making me physically ill, stomach aches and my weight and hormones are all over the place over it. i wish things were the way they used to be so long ago but i just cant deal with it anymore...im being pulled in three different directions and i just cant...i dont know why you dont get this...

Letter from Nel...

i know theres not much that can make u trust me again, sorry 4 what i have put u thru the last year...i am willing 2 do anything and everything so u can trust me again... i dont care how long its going 2 take, whatever i have 2 do i will do it. u deserve a better man and a father of your childern.... we have been through so much 2gether and i dont want us 2 end our relationship like this... there is no other woman in this world 4 me but you Sadiqua, i love u so much i cant explain it.. i am madly in love with u.. i know i have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and i know i have a funny way of showing it but i realize what i have lost and i didnt want 2 lose u.. i need u in my life and i dont know what i will do without you. i know it doesnt change anything but i had 2 say this 2 you... Nel

Throwback: Lunchtime!

i will bet you didnt know that i have a sense of humor, unless you talk to me on a regular basis. it appears some of my readers think im a serious, reserved, stick in the mud. that couldnt be further from the truth. so to prove it, im gonna post a few funny things that i did last year. they still ring true.

march 21 2008
today, i decided to be a nice mommy and eat lunch with Ariana at school. i had SEVERAL reservations about this, starting with her demanding attitude about what i could and could not bring her to eat. since when has a happy meal been out of fashion?? unfortunately for her, she didnt get her $7 KFC meal...

i try to stay out of elementary schools. they are germ Wal-marts. any disease, from the flu, to mad cow, to MRSA is probably lurking on the snotty, unwashed hand of a first grader, and trust and believe, that hand is touching your child’s hand. and notebook. and pencil.

when i arrived, i had to sign in similar to the way you enter Fort Knox. Computers, name tags, urine sample, i mean seriously, nobody wants my child but me, and on a good day...anyway, after procuring my name tag, i sat at a table marked "guest table" in the back. correct me if im wrong, but when I had a parent come to eat, they got to eat with me at the class table. now, you eat at what is fondly referred to in my family as the "exile table".

the kindergarteners were eating their lunch. or, playing with it. im telling you, if the Peace Corp or any other Childrens Methodist/Catholic/Shriners organization begging for ten cents a day saw the SHEER WASTE OF FOOD IN THERE....i was appalled. seriously parents, unless you’ve got that really greedy kid who eats everything all the time, you are wasting money sending lunch money to school. and those Lunchables that they beg for in Food Lion until they are blue in the face? i think more got thrown away than eaten.

i also noticed, as the first graders were filing in, a lot of girls had bought salads. not slightly chubby girls, or girls who havent burned off that really cute baby fat, but girls that NEEDED a slice of the deep fried crap everybody else was marching out with. what 6 year old girl needs a salad and skim milk for lunch? hell, i do. but thats besides the point. parents, teach your girls what a twinkie is. followed by gravy, whole milk, and a salt shaker. teach them to love those dimples, and to save the salads for when she is 26, unmarried, and single.

Back to the "exile table". Ariana was tearing into her Wendy’s, while the other 4 mothers with kids at the table were discussing something PTA related...on that note. i hate the PTA. i actually went to a meeting at the beginning of LAST year. i was sooo excited, i even dressed for the occasion, like June Cleaver who had managed to feed her child a balanced breakfast, kissed her at the bus stop, cleaned the entire house, and breathlessly floated into the school cafeteria, skin dewy, lip gloss perfect, and jeans crisply pressed. What i got instead was a cafeteria full of haggard, thrown together, 40-something, pre-menopausal women with cheerios still stuck to their sweats and not a stitch of makeup on. the PTA president bounced her 3 year old on her hip, thanked us for coming, swigged out of a Starbucks cup (which im sure had some alcohol in it) and proceeded to tell the women to be "considerate" of the other mothers in the class..."Some of them," she whispered, "even work jobs outside the home!" I looked around, stunned. A woman next to me with a Wachovia name badge on mumbled "Huh?" The women shook their heads in pity, and Ms. Wachovia and i glanced at each other in shock. i wanted to yell, "Darn right i work outside the home! I also know what a 401k is, how to balance a checkbook, and where Ann Taylor Loft is! Im sooo sorry i didnt marry a doctor or lawyer who can work 80 hours a week so that i can stay home dressed in 4 year old maternity clothes and not brush my hair!" So yeah, i didnt join this year. Take that and shove it in your VCR next to Barney, Chick.

oh yeah, lunch. There was the ever-present cafeteria Nazi in place, wearing a cheerful apron full of straws, napkins, and spoons, making her rounds and never really doing anything other than open cartons of milk and packets of ketchup. Every ten seconds she yelled about sending someone to the office. By the time she’d hit about the twelth or thirteenth child, they shrugged her off, knowing she had probably never sent anyone to the office, and never would. really lady, shut up and open this 2%. my dry and poorly cooked lunch is totally stuck in my throat.

i think my final straw was on my way out after lunch, and i saw a notice for the spring picture date. as i scanned the group of loud, toothless, adrenaline-stricken angels, i realized that it was 11:45am, school had started at 9:30am, and these kids looked like they had been running laps around a high school track. I take time to iron clothes, brush hair, etc., in the mornings. Im also pretty sure that other parents do the same. So why did my child look like a hobo? and why do all YOUR children look like hobo’s too? in a matter of two hours, your child already looks as though the teacher has set up a child labor camp making NIKE’s in the back. what gives? and these same teachers will let these dusty, estranged children take their school pictures like this. is it that hard to say "James, smooth your hair down, sweetie." instead, i think they all sit in the back, sipping on diet Cokes and giggle, "Hey Linda, James is up next. Great call setting up recess for ten minutes ago! Cant wait to see those pics!" With my luck, Ariana will have recess, gym, art, and a fire drill in the rain, right before spring pictures. But, the picture that results, although resembling a celebrity DUI mugshot, will proudly go on our coffee table. So Mrs White, lets try and see if we can get those pictures taken as the kids are getting off the bus, m-kay?

i did enjoy lunch, even in its loud, germy haze. it gave Ariana and i time to bond. So next time you find yourself eating an overpriced fast food meal at the exile table, smooth down your kids hair, give them a kiss, and shoot a smoldering glare at the PTA president at the next table. you’ll be glad you did.

Miss Independent

This was originally a one part post. Today, I had some events that have made me turn this into a two part post.

When Ne-yo came out with his song Miss Independent, there was this uprising of women wanting to be independent, and an equal amount of men who stated they felt a woman who was “independent” should take of herself totally and not depend on their male counterpart. I think that both can be achieved, but here is why I feel the way I do.

After 19 months of unemployment, I have a job offer that is out of this world. Good pay, great benefits, I already know the people who work there, so there wont be that new-person feeling...the only thing I have to do is get a car. Simple enough, right? Well back before tax season, Nel and I agreed that he would give me $1600 out of his return. Its only fair, I haven't hassled him for any money since he moved down to the beach. I knew he was trying to get his own place and things like that so I played the “nice baby mama” role and handled things myself. Needless to say, now his funds are “thin” and so I had a conversation with him today reminding him that I need my money so that I can get my car. He offered to help me get it, by using my money as a down payment, then financing the rest underneath him...I DONT THINK SO. This is where the “independent woman” in me steps in. I dont want any help from him with this. He owes me the money to begin with for the girls, so I dont consider that help, its a payment. But I refuse to have to continuously hear that he “helped” me. I havent told Nel about this job, because god forbid something happen and it falls thru, I will NEVER hear the end of it. This Job pays enough that I dont have to depend on him for anything. Nel is undependable. I cant live my life around him helping out, I had to go and find a job that covers it all regardless of his ever-changing work situation. Do I consider myself independent? Damn right. And any man should want that out of his woman. When times get tough, u have to make sure she can hold it down, and that is what I am in the process of establishing, my independence. I lived with him for 5 years and shit still went south, so why would I set things up for failure again?? I want to do it all by myself and that's that.

Recently, my cousin just left a relationship where the woman is pretty independent. She owns her own house, car, great job, she's got it all! BUT she made the mistake of saying “my man should take care of me”...unfortunately, my cousin saw this as a deal breaker and quit while he felt he was ahead. I understand both sides of this...he sees her house/car combo as “already been taken care of” and that now she is being greedy. She doesnt expect him to pay the house and car notes, she wants to be taken care of in that “im a queen” manner. To me, every woman deserves that. Just because I can pay my bills doesnt mean you cant spoil me in other manners!

Now back to Nel and I. This makes week number 5 where I have been in the house, and any excursion to the “outside world” has involved shots or a shopping cart. Im craving attention and a drink or two...guess who can't get up here? Upon my obvious instant attitude, I was criticized for not appreciating all that he does....Oh really? Sure, he was working two jobs, but I wasnt getting anything. Just because you come up to see us and take us to dinner or whatever, doesnt cover the bills. I still buy food, pampers, help with my parents bills...i mean, there are three of us and I am living virtually rent free in the scheme of things, so I try and help out the best I can. I took my savings (aka the money from all my belongings I had to ebay) to help out. That was my car money, and because of my lack of outside help, im a lot lower than I anticipated. Then all of a sudden, he tells me just take the money and do whatever I want to do with it....and it is now conveniently $300 less than before. NOT. HAPPY. This sparked a rather heated argument where I hung the phone up on him and refuse to talk to him unless it involves the girls...where this will go from here? Who knows. My patience is thin, and he is ruining my plans and dipping into my already low supply of sanity...

I guess the theme about this post, besides stressing about todays events lol, is that sometimes we have to do for ourselves as ladies. I am craving independence right now like you wouldnt believe, and I dont require his validation, support, hell, even his knowledge. Im going to take care of the girls the best I know how to and should he decide to help, well, that would be nice....

Sacrifice

What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of love?

ok so i'm not admitting to nosiness or snooping, but there has still been some contact between Nel and the person we had some issues with a while back. plus, there has been quite the addition of newer names to our phone book...hmmm. i wont even mention the one who had Nasty Girl next to her name. oh wait. i just mentioned her.

so anyway, not that i care about who/what he is doing, but what i dont appreciate is the daily questioning about when im going to come back to him, when im going to move down there where he is, when im going to fix our family.

Me? this is all on me?

Look, since the break up, which was July 4th of last year, i havent met or made any new male friends. i mean i have a few guys i keep contact with over the internet, but they are all in different states and are no threat to anyone. i might go out from time to time, but i havent taken the time out to persue anyone. could i? you are damned right i could.

back to my original question: what are u willing to sacrifice for the sake of love. are you willing to cut the bullshit out? can you set boundaries and follow them? i dont know if Nel has gotten it yet. of all my male friends, if i had to cut them out so that we could rebuild our relationship, i would do that. well, all except 1 who is more like a brother, but if it called for it, i would back off from him too.

im not seeing that Nel is willing to sacrifice yet. things have been a little bit better, but nowhere near where they need to be. remember that letter i wrote to him a few posts back? ( http://sadiquapgrownup.blogspot.com/2009/03/whats-wrong-with-you-letter-to-nel.html for any new readers...) well it detailed what he needed to work on. he has worked on a few things, his attitude has greatly improved and that was my main issue, but my second issue from the top was his lack of sacrifice. I cant make him sacrifice anything. that is something he has to work on himself but dammit, its a big one.

if he was serious, he would clean that phonebook out of all the "clutter"....aka any unnecessary women. if this relationship is ever going to be repaired, this is the final opportunity to get things back on track. and should i see a continued lack of sacrifice, im not going to even consider trying to fix things.

Even in Death, Love Prevails

im a sucker for a really good romantic story. i dont sit and pine away for my Prince Charming, but i do enjoy true love in its rawest, most exposed form. think The Notebook...

i want to share my fave love story with you. its about two people, Joe and Liz, who fell in love in the 1940's. Joe was the product of a gorgeous but meek wife and an abusive alcoholic father, while Liz's parents were hardworking store owners and farmers. Liz caught Joe's eye in a high school English class, (she was helping kids in his class with their reading skills) and they quickly fell in love. Unfortunately, Liz's parents weren't too fond of the ultra handsome, ultra suave playboy, and forbid them from seeing each other much. Like any good love story, they did anyway. Liz had three children with Joe, two boys and a girl, and they planned to marry despite what their parents said, but in the end, respect for their parents won out over their love. Despite a few tries at eloping, it never happened...Liz left and went to New York for a while to get away from things, and when she got back, Joe had met someone else. She went on to marry a salesman, and Joe married as well. Both had several children in their marriages, and remained in touch, up until Liz passed at the age of 78.

now, if u read my blog regularly, u might remember me mentioning my grandmother, Lizzie. she is the object of female attraction in this story, and her childrens father, Joseph, is my mothers father. My mom is that daughter they had while they were together. there is so much more to this story though, there was so much between them that we as a family didnt notice, but its worth talking about.

I always knew my grandpa and grandma remained close friends. i always thought that it was a friendly "baby mama/baby daddy" type of relationship, and they lived two miles away from each other, but it was so much deeper than that. over the years, grandpa visited with my grandma several times a week, they would sit and talk for hours. My grandpa's wife learned early in their marriage that he would be friends with my grandmother, and there was pretty much nothing she could do about it. harsh, i know, but she never mistrusted him because he put that out in the open and gave her the choice to stay or not. they went thru a lot together, including burying one of their two sons who passed at the age of 19. when grandma first got sick, he continued to visit with her to support her in any way he could. when she passed, he didnt come to the funeral...it didnt make sense why until a few weeks later on.

my sister went to talk to grandpa after grandma passed, and without asking, he proceeded to tell us what kind of woman she was: an honest, caring, individual, who, despite her undying and unwavering love for my grandpa, didnt step out of her marriage vows and remained faithful to her husband. he also said that she was the only woman he ever truly loved, and he loved her until the day she died. for this to mean something, u have to understand that my grandpa is a big, strapping, old school man, who is in that way of thinking where men dont discuss feelings, they dont say i love you, they dont cry, they are MEN. my sister said he teared up a bit talking about grandma, and then it made sense why he didnt come to the funeral: there was no way he would have made it thru the service. he loved her too much, and watching the love of his life being eulogized wouldnt have been easy on him at all, especially with your wife sitting next to you. it would have been hard to explain! but one thing he did do for her, was to help us with the bills for her service, and he told us whatever it was we wanted for her, to get it and he would pay for it.

a few weeks ago, grandpa called and said he hadnt been feeling well, we thought he'd had a stroke, and after being threatened by my mom and her siblings, he finally went to the hospital. my mom, as well as her step mom, thought he might just be moody and sad because of grandmas death, but as it turns out, he had a brain tumor. surgery removed 80% of it, but it was cancerous, so once again, we are faced with the realization that he, too, is dying. not even a year after grandma, her one true love is about to join her, and maybe then they can be together the way it was meant to be.

i dont tell this story to be sad, i tell it to make us take advantage of what love we have in our lives, to find friendship in lost loves, to make the most of the past and use it to preserve the future. their love spanned over 60 years and was 110% the entire time...no fighting, no bickering, some regrets, but no bitterness: the way i hope to look back on my lifetime and view things...

i hope that you've found your one true love, and if you haven't, keep your head up.

I forgot to do WHAT?

after a very interesting weekend, i returned home to a peaceful, quiet, clean home. the girls were still with Nel at his parents house an hour away. after a dinner out where we chatted in a friendly fashion, we brought them home, put them to bed and chatted for a while.

Well apparently, he had a lot on his chest. for about ten minutes he fussed at me for not telling him how i was feeling before i broke up with him. as i sat and listened to him, i realized he was kinda right. i never did just sit him down and say "look, im not feeling things, you do xyz and i hate it and i just cant keep on". i simply had an attitude. when i asked him if the attitude clued him in at all, he looked at me like i was crazy and said "are you kidding? youve had an attitude since you lost your job! how am i suppose to tell the difference??"

my dad asked me at the beginning of this entire situation if i had told Nel what the deal was...had i actually sat him down and said what i felt and what he needed to work on. being a woman, i hinted, mentioned, suggested, sugar coated, and assumed....Dad said something to me that i will remember from now on: men have to be TOLD. you cant assume they got it, or sugar coat it. you have to say it as clearly as possible, or else they just wont get it sometimes...and thats what i did. i know now that it was unfair to expect him to change when he had no clue/was unclear what i was unhappy about.

now, does this change my mind about things? lol, no it doesnt. but it did give me a chance to apologize to him for that, and he knows from now on, whatever i feel the need to say, im going to say it, so there is no excuse later on.

Kiss and Tell

one of my readers (hi patty!) asked me why i didnt just basically find someone else and let Nel know about, aka kiss and tell lol...i wont lie. its crossed my mind a couple times....let me run a few stories past you, about the guys i mentioned to patty, i call them my fan club.

Valentine: met him ten years ago, he was a big boy and cute...but when i say sweet as hell? he is the type of guy you take home to mom and she loves him instantly. i remember him bringing me lunch at christmas time when it was extra busy at work and i couldnt get away to eat. at 18 years old he had the insight to do this for me...! over the years, we talked and would lose contact for a year or two, but he "found" me again several months ago and has been in touch with me. he said he wishes he had the chance to go back and snag me when he had the chance so long ago...(and lord knows i wish he had too, it would have saved me a lot of trouble with baby daddy #1. but thats another story.)

Angelo: wow. so i went to a party, i think i was 20, and met all the friends out of this group of guys...all of them were extra cute and my damn girlfriends snagged them before me. one of them said, well i've got just the guy for you, im going to go pick him up from work and introduce you two! of course i was nervous, i just knew he had to be the ugly one...but he wasnt, he was as cute as the rest thank goodness. Angelo was an absolutely great guy. we talked for hours that night, and saw each other for several months, he always treated me so special even though he didnt have a lot to spend. after an unlikely breakup, we didnt see each other for years, until he found me on myspace. he has been on a one-man crusade to win me back after all this time lol, he even mailed letters from time to time to my old job telling me he regretted how we split and how he really did love me...

robert: we have known each other since 6th grade. he was my first "boyfriend", we had our last class of the day together, home ec, drama and keyboarding. Rob was a hardhead, and after 6th grade, his parents shipped him off to military school. fast forward to the first day of marching band practice, a week or so before the start of freshman year. i was in the band room and he walked in with the rest of the football team. it was one of those moments where i couldnt believe who i was seeing after so long...we never hooked up in high school although he did try a couple of times to drop a hint, something was always just off, and i loved him to death as a friend. every time someone saw him that knew me after we graduated, he asked about me...and then he found me on myspace a few months ago (myspace can be amazing for your love life lol) I got the same story from him, always cared a great deal for me, crushed on me all the way thru school, just never got the nerve to carry it any further...

these three guys consistently appear out the woodwork over the years at the craziest times, drop hints, send me cards, call me, email me, text me...if i really, really, truly wanted to hurt Nel? i have plenty of good guys i could do it with. guys like him, good looking, with educations and careers and strong feelings for me, ALL THREE OF THESE GUYS HAVE ASKED FOR SECOND CHANCES.... but the fan club has one advantage over him: no drama with me. i just cant bring myself to do it. i sometimes wonder if its coincidental that these three always find me, and always talk about what could have been?? i try not to dwell on that, i dont believe in moving backwards, but striving forward...

its just kind of hard when the past come and puts themselves in your path.

Food for the Soul

Nel just called me up, asked if he could take me out to dinner...let me back up just a bit and give you some info. one thing we have in common is food. i love to eat, he loves to cook, its basically a match made in heaven on that level...but he tends to use it sometimes to "fix me".

this weekend, i was going to go to DC but instead ran up on a snag, so now i am going to a few biker parties here with a girlfriend of mines and meet up with some people i know. Nel has no clue where im going, who im going with, how long i will be gone: and i like it like that! for the past week or two he has been asking vague questions so he can piece the puzzle together, but you cant trick a trickster, im three steps ahead. last week when he called, he asked was i going to his parents house this weekend. the convo went something like this:

nel: well im coming down friday or saturday and going to see my parents

me: okay thats fine.

nel: so are you going with us?

me: no.

nel: why not?

me: i have plans.

nel: to do what?

me: go somewhere.

nel: well you cant go with us? i was gonna go down to see them and maybe run to (insert fave soul food restaurant here)

me: (thinking, slick bastard. that buffet is NOT gonna sway me): thanks but i have plans.

by then he was heated...and i was cracking up on my end of the phone. he actually tried to sway me with the offer of a meal at my favorite spot. well played, but not well enough.

back to todays invite. he wants to take me out to eat. i told him i would think about it, but in a tone that said "i really dont think its happening" and not "i will lead him on for a while and then say yes"...and he picked up on it. he asked could we just start over again, and i told him that i cant. i simply can NOT start over at this point. he said he misses spending time with me...and i told him that when i ended things i KNEW he wouldnt be seeing me. thats the point, right?

i think i hurt his feelings, he said i dont have to go to dinner but if i change my mind, just let him know. i hate to hear him sound so damn...pitiful, but he will be okay...

First you love me, now you hate me

Mom and i took the girls out to eat yesterday. as we were sitting at our table, this really handsome guy came in and sat his little boy down at the table. he was dressed nicely, coming from work probably, very well spoken...and had on a wedding ring.

as he interacted with his son who was about two or so, i just looked at them. at first i felt blank. it was just a guy and his son eating dinner. but then i started to watch the guy. when his phone rang, he smiled as he glanced at the caller id and answered, "Hi honey!" He proceeded to tell her that he had gotten him from the sitter early and was giving her an evening off to do something for herself...from where i was sitting she sounded grateful and excited, and as he hung the phone off, he told her he loved her, and i could tell from the look on his face that it was sincere. as the tears welled up in my eyes a bit, i laughed to myself...what was so funny?

the fact that within a year or so, he could end up despising her so much that he wishes he never met her.

nobody thinks about that when they get into a relationship. anyone who watches Dr. Phil or Maury has probably had the realization that these angry, bitter couples who would love to see their exes suffer in agony, were actually in love at one point. IN LOVE...they rushed home to see them after a long day at work, watched them sleep at night, called just to say i love you...and then overnight, it vanished. obviously, they probably had some warning signs, but who pays attention to them? we are told that relationships are work, and when the major problems occur, instead of running away, we try and work on things, and inevitably repair what might not need to be fixed...

Irritated

I'm on the phone with Nel.

last night he asked me "where we went wrong"...say what? so i cut and pasted the last post and emailed it to him....now i am going thru a "conversation" about how i'm keeping the kids from him...really? i have to ask for you to cough up money for Niecy? i dont meet you halfway? well since i have no car thats kinda hard.

and then we are back to the "why havent you moved down here" conversation.

BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO...and that excuse leads you to believe i have found someone else...ctfu! dude, the only guy i see more than my DAD is my older white-bread neighbor Mr. Taylor....and he is waaaay past his expiration date.

now i have "turned into that woman that people talk shit about"...hahahHAAAAAAAA! really? it makes me soo happy that my name is coming out of peoples mouths...your family and friends know me better than you think, please dont underestimate their intellect.

and finally, he asks "so you are seriously done with us?" because APPARENTLY i havent made that clear enough. the letter, the conversations, the texts...me saying (and i quote) i dont want to be with you...im getting very irritated now. im tired of discussing this. im tired of the fussing and fighting, i am so over this that i feel like im back at the very beginning. and now supposedly i need to grow up....?

*sigh*

had i known this was going to occur years ago, i might have left the very first time we had issues and left it at that. i knew when i got pregnant that things were not going to be the same with us and here we are, just like your average divorced/separated/broken up baby mama and baby daddy...fussing over the trivial things that life has to offer and getting absolutely nowhere. I dont appreciate having to day dream about the past before my child was born and how different things were....

What's Wrong With YOU: letter to Nel

Nel,

ok, you want to know whats wrong with you? uncut, uncensored? be warned, i may hurt feelings but you want to know, so here u go.

you are a good guy. let me put that out there front and center. there are so many things i didnt have to worry about in a relationship with you, like beatings or felonies or not having a job. but there is so much more to this than that.

my mom, my dad, my sisters, my girlfriends, YOUR parents, YOUR siblings, YOUR friends...have all mentioned how you talk to me. thats right, that smart azz loud mouth of yours. does it ever occur to you how loud you are? apparently not, because i have heard for years, "you really shouldnt let him talk to you like that"...i think ive heard the word DISRESPECTFUL, BLUNT and COARSE used several times. of course, nobody mentions this to you, but i have to hear it over and over again. you cuss at me, not only in private, but in front of OTHER PEOPLE...and im not talking about kidding or playing around, just disrespectful tones/words/attitudes. and yes, i am to blame for poppin off at the mouth back at you, but i have since learned it does no good and you are just rude. you have anger issues and it has been expressed to me several times by people that they disapproved of your attitude and thought i should leave you...yes, that is right, some of the people you know and love have told me to leave over the years because of that but love is blind...lord knows that is the truth.

you have to learn by example: if what you are doing isnt working, you try something else that is working for someone else. you have so many good examples of men in your life, your dad, uncles, brother, friends, cousins, my dad and family...why is it that you dont try to emulate any of them? good strong black men are so hard to find and you are surrounded by them but dont follow some of their best teachings and examples. calm temperments and christian lifestyles can go a long way. im not judging completely because i just started going back to church full time and its done a world of good for me. you need to do the same thing. i dont care if its baptist or whatever. something with Jesus as the main focus and the bible as the scripture and you are on your way. i am doing my best and i pray for you all the time. i am never specific because i dont know what needs to be done in your life, only god.

i have said this til i was blue in the face and i will say it once more: you, under no circumstances, are to never throw the status/location/relationship of Ari's sperm donor in my damn face again. ever. you play that good guy role and take care of her and claim her when u are around, but u make little comments like, i do more than her real daddy, or , yeah lets see what your boy does for her when he gets home. you seem to love bringing this up when we are slam in the middle of an arguement that has ZERO to do with her or her no good azz daddy. i know he aint shit, but why you feel the need to use him to boost yourself up in my eyes? damn right i said it. YOU USE HIM AS A BOOST. just because he has been replaced in her eyes by you doesnt mean that shit will work with me, telling me how wonderful u are and how he hasnt done anything. by comparison yes, you look like a saint. but he is none of your business and i refuse to have him shoved in my face. i did things without him and can continue on that same path.

you are needy. needy as in, do this, do that...i broke you out of some of that nonsense over the years, but you still insist on me being some form of servant. YOU are not my husband, therefore there is no submitting to you. i blame myself for letting you get away with it for so long but i know better now. seriously, you act so needy sometimes that i wonder if you can do things on your own. i know, you probably said Hell yes i can do anything without you...but can you really? even split up you are still calling me and asking me to do favors for you. GROW UP. i have 2 children but when you get to whining like them i feel like i have 3.

my daddy told me that men dont change because women want them to and it was the best advice i have ever gotten from him. but seriously you have to listen to what women say and see if there is room for change in your life! i never asked you to change, mainly because it would have been a complete waste of time, but you should have known what needed to be WORKED ON. dont change or do a half azzed attempt because of me. do it for yourself. my only concern was making you a better man for our family. why would i sabotage that? any suggestion/hint i made was out of love and concern but you saw it as "changing" you...well fine. if you want to be only half the man i think you can be, suit yourself.

you made me not tell you anything. i cant stand having old, non-important bullshit thrown up in my face. from the money u put down towards my car to the rent u paid alone while i was on maternity leave, give it a break. thats why i didnt tell you shit. my bill was late? id rather pay late fees than hear your mouth two years from now reminding me about how you paid it for me. that is why i handled things on my own. you call it "Independant" and i say thank you. you never learned to let things stay in the past that are not relevant to the present or future. sure, i would bring up the suspected cheating/lying when it resurfaced, but it was relevant to where i needed to go and what i needed to do in life. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and thanks, but no thanks. i had quite enough of that.

OH GOODNESS, i hate to have to bring this up, but you have yet to learn the meaning of sacrifice...i have seen you spend money on things that werent important over bills....and not on good or nice things, like a vacation or dinner out. REALLY STUPID THINGS, LIKE BIKE WEEK! you arent concerned with anyone but yourself, and until that happens u arent going to be worth much to anyone. instead of living a dream with your head in the clouds, how about you take care of what should be your number one concern, not a damn bike, or a damn helmet for the bike, or designer sunglasses, or a new chain, or a newer car, or weed: YOUR CHILD. stop putting yourself first and take care of her...this has pissed me off for years, even before Niecy was born. you are so quick to do for yourself. yeah, i know you did a lot for me, but not without being reminded over and over, and not without you running a tab of who has done more for the other one. stop looking at new cars and trying to upgrade all the damn time. nobody cares but you. in the end that is all you are going to have left.

maybe this last thing is just a product of my environment, but i freakin hate being checked up on. i dont mean an occasional text, i mean the several occasions where dozens of phone calls have been made. DOZENS. i prided myself on being that cool girlfriend, the one who doesnt feel the need to check up on you if i havent heard from you. and why should i? what the hell does that stop? you still did your dirt in the end, me calling you did nothing to stop it, matter of fact you were calling her after we hung up. i lived in a house where some days, my daddy didnt call from work to "check" on my grown azz mom. she didnt call bothering him either. why in the hell would i sit and have a conversation on the phone with you at 3pm? what the hell are we gonna talk about later on tonight? my parents gave each other the room that i didnt see myself getting with you. all it ever did was piss me off further.

you know what i want in a man? let me tell you, since you were missing a few qualities: i want a tender, sweet love...one that makes sacrifices for me. one that takes care of home and knows where to go to look for examples. i cant make sacrifices for you and not get them in return...its just not fair...treat me like a LADY. i dont ask to be spoiled, but at least tell me you want to spoil me. basically the opposite of what had been happening. i have grown a lot in six years, most women would in their 20's. you have to learn for that next girl that growth demands change. what works for her now might not work for her ten years down the road...you get out of a relationship what you put into it, so next time you need to dig really deep.

Bee

i think thats it.

Happily NEVER After: The B'day Chronicles

my birthday in January was a nice one for a change...he treated me to dinner with a group of some of my closest friends. i got to eat and drink as i pleased, i looked great, and had an awesome evening...then when we got home, he wanted some.

i will admit, i am that girl you have to keep an eye out for in bars...when i drink i get a little fresh and he loves me that way. its the easiest time for him to get some and my inhibitions are nowhere to be found. i said no, i was tired and had those drinks hitting me in the ass and do you know he called me on that shit?? like i owed him for taking me out for my birthday! did i want to sleep with him? of course, but when you throw it in my face that you "earned" it in a sense, my libido is gone...

to top things off, on his birthday about 2 weeks ago, we all went out as a family. it was after part 1 of our "i dont think this is gonna work" talk and so the conversation was very short and limited to the girls. he had a few drinks, i had a few drinks, and after i got the girls in bed, he jumps on me. tells me that even though he knows i dont wanna be with him (he said with a healthy dose of sarcasm and a laugh!), i should give him some since it was his birthday.

so thats how the complete ending occured, or should i say started. i pushed him down on the couch...and left the room. when i came back he tried again but i sat him down and looked at him and said, you arent getting this, are u? he asked what i meant and then the convo kinda went downhill

me: look, i tried to explain last weekend that i really dont see things improving and that i dont want to be in a relationship with you.

nel: wait, so you were serious?

me: (trying to not get up and choke him) yes i was.

nel: man, what the hell. so you mean to tell me after 6 years that you dont want to be with me anymore?

me: that is exactly what i am trying to say. i have been nice about it for weeks now but you just keep kicking the subject and now i felt i should break it down for you.

nel: (blank stare) so youre serious...

me: yes. (at this point he starts to pack his things up.) You dont have to go just because i said that...

nel: im not staying here after you just sat here and told me after all we have been through that you dont want to be with me anymore.

me: well your main purpose of coming down here SHOULD have been just the kids, and now you want to leave after i say im not sleeping with you? i havent slept with you since Christmas!

nel: (his most crucial mistake of the evening) is there someone else?

me: (mad as hell he wants to pull that bullshit) no there isnt.

nel: whatever...(kisses the baby and left)

I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING....DO NOT pull that "someone else" mess on me when YOU are the one who started the entire process of this shit failing! you move 2 hours away and ask ME is there someone else? HELL NO THERE ISNT. i sit at home all day with these two girls BY MYSELF, while your carefree azz gets to skip around and be free...Real talk. my bff told me months ago that sex was interfering in what needed to be fixed and she was right. as soon as it gets cut off, you want to trip and act like you have no damn sense. JUST BECAUSE i was sleeping with you does NOT mean things were fixed, right, repaired, okay, getting better, or any other feeling that you came up with. i hate to quote dudes, but IT WAS JUST SEX. and i apologize for my part of the blame that led you on to believe that i was cool with things and i thought they were okay, because they havent been for months....and now i think you see where i am coming from.

Dad and i did lunch a day or so after that. he was quiet while i talked and at the end told me that he felt i did the right thing for my situation. whether it will work or not? who knows. only time will tell...

Woman

A man is to respect, serve, and love his own woman...one woman...the same woman. He is to fill her above the brim with respect and love of herself. All that runs over will be his, because if she respects and loves herself, she will respect and love him. --PrettyBoy, on greekchat.com

hm. i love that quote. i dont know if its from a philosopher, or a poet, but it rings true in so many ways...

as of February 28, i have had to end things with Nel on a permanant note. things werent working and he was oblivious. i asked him did he think things were getting better and he said yes. YES??? Really?

ladies (and gents) if you experience any of these warning signs, its time to split.

1. you notice your attitude plunge southward when he comes around. i became uberbitch when he appeared and he was constantly asking why i was being so rude? it was because his very presence pissed me off. why? i dont know. and that is what is so scary.

2. you just dont give a shit about anything to do with your appearance. at all. get my hair done? why? change out of pajamas? get real...in my mind it got to the point where i didnt feel i needed to get cute for him even though we hadnt seen each other for a week.

3. he comes, you leave. i would have thought this was obvious with him. despite the fact that i get NO BREAK being mommy during the week, i made sure i was MIA when he got here...club? bar? didnt matter. i would get sexy and sit at walmart if i had to, but i had to make it seem that i would and could get someone else.

those are just a few of the things i noticed about myself, they may or may not pertain to you but be careful about number 1...its a doozy and i realized how nasty i was to everyone when he got here! im sure there are other signs that i might not have had but i sure did notice these three and now that he is not my concern, my life has lightened up a bit...

So Long...for now?

so you probably wanna know about last week, and our convo about putting a halt to trying to work things out. and i dont blame you, so here is some clarification.
first off, when i said i dont wanna move down there because i just dont...that is it. i just dont. there is no hidden reason. im not running down there behind you, and thats what i would be doing, because i have nothing else down there to go for.
you have to admit, that whole text message thing threw us off, but all it did was separate us long enough to take a look at things and see if they needed to continue. well, i guess you didnt take time to think while we had a break. you have to realize, when u drive a wedge between us, it gives me time to think...u have to be willing to accept what i discover during that time.
why ON EARTH would you mention marriage? two years ago when i mentioned it, i got an hour long lecture about how i was "pressuring you". and then, just last week, u had the nerve to tell me i was doing what all your friends said i would do when we got married. so whats changed your mind? are you now willing to accept my changes and how things might be? i dont believe it.
i dont want you to think that i dont love you anymore, or i dont like you. i just cant be with you. maybe thats permanent, maybe its temporary. but right this second, i want to be by myself. we have done a lot of growing in the past 6 years, we arent the same people anymore, you need to realize that just like i did not too long ago. we have different goals now. i want to be on my own. because of circumstances in my life, i have never had a chance to do things for myself and thats what i want! we both still have a lot of growing up to do...take this time and figure out what you really want, because that is what im doing too.

I Do...i think...

has anyone figured out the whole marriage thing? i heard a woman the other day say, "marriage is a lot of trouble, but its worth it!" say what?



i guess what im trying to say is WHATS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?????? just to let you know, my parents are not the cause of my sudden dislike for all things matrimonial...they have been together for almost 30 years. thats right, 30 freaking years...a lifetime, basically.

what do you all think? is it worth it? or do you expect to find yourself wishing the other person would leave so you dont have to...

Moving On...Maybe Not?

Nel has been up my ass about moving down where he is. i am not in the mood.

forgive me for being blunt, but who in their right mind will volunteer to move back in with someone who was semi-unfaithful, bossy, anal, and job hopping? what the hell is going on! i know its hard for him seeing the girls on the weekend, and he is burning up a lot of gas, blah blah, but that is not my problem. i take care of these two 24/7 so the least he can do is drive up here on the weekends.

not only that, i really dont like it down there. i have friends and some family, but other than that i am severely underwhelmed. tons of traffic, bridges, tunnels, whats to love? i like my life where it is, but i hate where i am living so thats causes him to assume i will move on down and forget all about our troubles.

my mom is a pain. i love her so much but the two of us should not live together. i am messy, she is neat. im relaxed, she is...not. but i can tolerate this situation as long as i possibly can, because HE IS JUST LIKE HER. you all know about the semi-unfaithfulness, let me fill u in on the rest.

bossy: you name it, he feels he should run it. case closed.

anal: any person who comes in the house and DOES A WALK THRU has got to be out their minds. what the hell does he think happened? oh, i know, that ash tray got moved, because you just went and fixed it. i swear, before we stopped living together, i would move stuff around just to see him move it back. that is some majorly annoying shit, people.

job hopping: ok, while i whole-heartedly agree he keeps a job, he just keeps too many. i understand making money but he has worked i would bet going on 20 jobs since we met. they always "disrespect" him or "overwork" him...i stay at jobs i hate to make ends meet, and i shut up about it until something better comes along. how hard is that? not to mention how many jobs "weren't for him"...really? if they have benefits and a paycheck, whats not to love...

basically, i dont want to leave here and end up like we did last year, on the streets basically. i realize things arent anyones fault, but with me not working and zero prospects in sight, i cant uproot my girls and move an hour away where nobody can help me when i need help...not as shaky as things are with him...i promised myself that awful situation wouldnt happen again, so im not leaving until i can make sure it wont.