Sunday, June 7, 2009

You Don't Get a Thank You

Sooo. it appears Nel is super extra pissed at me because i didnt thank him for giving me the money that i require to get a car so i can get a job. Let me start at the beginning...
Nel left in July. i decided then that i wouldnt be that "evil baby mama" and let him just do right, or at least i would give him the chance first. although he is unreliable as hell at times, i figured i would give the opportunity to act responsibly without getting the courts involved, because they are ruthless as hell and him getting locked up behind some child support does me NO good..
anyway, i got little sprinkles of money for a few months. and i mean sprinkles. my parents got heated (and still are!) because while he was down there "getting his things together" i was up here living rent free at my parents house. They felt that he should be at least paying me enough for me to help out around here, and they are right. two kids use a lot of water/electricity! i asked him if he finally had things in order so that i could start getting steady, decent amounts. im not being unreasonable, i just want to take care of the baby, because diapers are not free, and i have been selling half my belongings on eBay just so i can purchase things for her. THAT IS NOT RIGHT...
he had the nerve to tell me that after paying his brother for staying with him, paying his car note, and paying his insurance, he didnt have any extra money, and that what he did have left over, he put in his gas tank and came to see the girls. I. WENT. OFF. Extra? you dont have any EXTRA?? i very sweetly let him know that if i took him to court, that "extra" would be the first thing coming out of his check every 2 weeks! your child support isnt EXTRA MONEY. it is a necessity and i cant function when you are being trifling! i even suggested he stop visiting as much. YES i told him to cut back on his trips. all he would do is show up with stuff, park on my moms couch, turn on dads digital cable on the big screen downstairs, and then send the baby to me when she needs to be changed...Then he would head to sleep, stay on the couch til noon, repeat, and then go home. that is a damn vacation. all that was missing is the mini-bar.
true, i was not working, what else is new? does anyone have a job these days? i wasnt getting called back even for really minor jobs so whatever he gave me was what i had, and he was QUICK to tell me maybe i needed to get a job as if i was NOT trying...
anyway, back to the original topic. once tax time came around, he said he would "totally break me off" since i hadnt really gotten much from him for a while. and by much, im thinking maybe $150 total over several months. he promised about $1500 to me so i could get a car, because all my savings/eBay funds have been going towards paying my parents for things and picking up his slack. as time went by, it eventually dwindled to $1200. yeah, i was pissed, but it was better than what i had been getting. i got my first installment a few weeks ago so i knew he still owed me 1k, and yesterday was going to be payday, right?
he came in with $500. i didnt understand what was going on...i figured we were gonna get this whole payment thing taken care of for good so i could tally up how much i had and make some moves. i asked him when i would get the rest of it and he said in 2 weeks. i asked him why i didnt just get the entire amount and he said if it was THAT big of a deal, he would go get it then. (really? if you had it why not just give it to me???) i told him with a bit of attitude not to worry about it, just get to me whenever it was convenient for him. he left, got the rest, and threw it on the desk where i was sitting. i let that little disrespect slide...
well i get a text saying "you could have said thank you" or whatever. so i told him i did thank him for the flowers (yep. he brought flowers for me.) and the cherry set (long story, but extra cute) but he was mainly concerned about the money. the next text said "its the f*cking point of it all, u act like i dont do sh*t. dont worry about it, how many b*tches get money like that at one time? its all good, i see how you truly are."
after i laughed (which took a good while to get over, because i thought that was hilarious), i sent him a text back basically saying i "got it all at once" because he OWED me that money. duh. please dont flatter yourself *sigh*
and let me just say to anyone male or female who is paying support in any kind of way...what i do with that money or what the other parent does with that money? DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. he said i wasnt going to use the money for the baby, i was going to get a car, which i had to remind him would take me to a job that would in turn pay for things for the baby...!
when my dad was a probation officer, he spent a ton of time in juvenile court. he said he constantly heard how the non custodial parent (usually dad) would complain to the judge about how the custodial parent (usually the mom) would take the CS money and use it for her car note, rent, gas money, insurance, etc. and how it wasnt going towards the child. time after time, the judge would remind the paying parent that rent must be paid to shelter the child, gas and a car note enabled the other parent to drive to work and make the rest of the money to support the child. THEN you had the paying parents who said "she is using my money for her hair/nails/etc." and the judge didnt care. matter of fact, they didnt care even if they were smoking that money up! if the child was getting taken care of and wasnt starving, abused, etc, then the courts wouldnt interfere. i know it seems wrong on a few levels, but if i take the money that Nel gives me and buy an ice sculpture just to watch it melt in the sun, then so be it. because every other dollar i get benefits her and that little $75 he scrapes up for me is not going to be stressing me once i start work! it goes back to what i said a few posts back about being independent: im not budgeting around him. im doing it around myself so that i dont have these problems.
anyway, he called me this morning, fussed about me being ungrateful, and then hung up on me. lol havent heard anything since! and at this point, i really dont care! I have some cars to research online...

11 comments:

ShadGG02 said...

As much I would like to say he needs a thank you, here are my concerns:

child support is not a priviledge. He was responsible to make that precious baby, he needs to be responsible in taking care of her too.

If he thinks trying to get money to you is a pain, then maybe he needs a week or month of fully taking care the baby, while trying to make money.
Regardless if u had a job or not, taking care of a child is a full time job.

You have been blessed to have parents who want to help you. there are many that are doing it all on their own.

So, this whole mess of wanting a thank you for the money? Nawh....keep on moving chick. Has he yet to thank you for not sending his ass through the courts? Has he thanked you for taking care that baby? Has he even thanked you parents for being there for you when he couldn't??

I rest my case.

lilioohpyt said...

well said ShadGG...

I have to agree that he needs to get his priorities in order. There is no thank you for doing what needs to be done! His little remark about extra, I would have signed his booty up for child support before he was able to get the a out of his mouth....I wonder if he will be still thinking about extra when he can't afford to eat! Seems to me as though he can't get a grip on how thankful he already is that you weren't on of those baby mothers that was trying to get his whole check because alot of them are still walking around in there clothes and wouldn't dare auction them off to feed there child the father would be eating the crumbs...smh....
I hope he gets the point soon. And man's up before his daughter realizes how little he is doing to provide for her....

Sadiqua P said...

@shad, you know sometimes i wish i could send her to him and let him see what its like...but unfortunately, the women in his family would immediately take her off his hands VOLUNTARILY. i mean, i love his folks, but they bail their boys out way too easy! His parents even asked if i couldnt afford daycare, i could bring the baby to stay with them during the week and then come get her on weekends...um, really? not that im not appreciative, because i know what kind of people they are and it would truly be to help me out, but hell naw! they live an hour and a half away from here! i refuse!

im too damn nice and this is what i get for not putting my foot down, but i truly did want to give him the opportunity to do right, i feel like any woman (unless she knows his ass is trife off top) should at least have a trial period of sorts. the courts are brutal, ive seen one of my bff's get locked up after he had a major accident (aka he died at the scene and they brought him back) and he got behind on his support!!!! went to lock up IN A WHEELCHAIR!!!! so i would prefer to deal with things outside but more and more its looking like it just might have to happen that way...

city said...

that "say thank you" shit is trife as hell. I agree with SHADGG02 completely. Shit, I say take him through the court system and then give him a smile and a thank you every time that child support comes through

Mz.Papaya said...

If I were you I would take him to court because he is causing your child to suffer. I am sure your child is being taken care of but if he chipped in like he is SUPPOSED she would be taken care of way better.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hi there!

It is absolutely NECESSARY to involve the courts.

If a man does not marry you and make a legal commitment to you before deciding to have children, then he is already handling his priorities OUT OF ORDER!

The court will garnish his wages or put him in jail. It's tight but it's right.

tampagirlAP said...

yea I feel u!!! idk y these boys get options cus we sure dont! we have to take care of the kids and they can decide to just whenever they feel like it!

tampagirlAP said...

oh and yea go for that child support thru the courts! i tried to be nice and shit w/ my oldest daughters dad for a yr and a half but u get nowhere being nice, cus like u said, they like to give u sprinkles! eff that!

dalioness said...

Are you serious?? Where the hell is you and your parents thank you for taking care of his child so well??? Niggas kill me thinking that the lil money they give is enough to suffice...Child support is more than your monthly payment..Support is food,shelter,clothes,co-pays,birthday parties,extracurricular activites,medicine,childcare,gas to take them back and forth,necessities..All that has to be split in half so 75 dollars aint nearly enough to cover it!!

Dm said...

Wow. Please understand that I don't know you, I just found your blog today.

You are being really nice to this deadbeat brotha. I have a child and I know how much it costs to take care of one and even being married it isn't easy. I only have one child with my wife and I struggle, you have two and are living with your parents.

I commend you for being the strong sensible smart one and I condemn "Nel" for being the stereotypical piece-of-crap black man that our society seems to have so many of.

I hate to say that the courts need to get involved because I know how awful the system is...

But something or someone needs to give this deadbeat a beatdown...er wake up call.

For his kids sakes...

Sincerely,
Dm

Dm said...

Also, please understand that if you do go forward with the child support he may disappear completely. The law only obligates the non-custodial parent to make the payments each month. The law does not care about making the father spend time with the children or anything beyond the payments. Once he makes the payments, he is free to do as he pleases and never see the child again for the rest of it's life if he so chooses. Unless you specify joint custody...then you would have to pay him when the children are staying with him. It gets messy...

Be careful in your decisions, the law is a two-sided razor that cuts just as much as it could help...


=[
Dm