Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 is dead and gone...

it is ten minutes to midnight, December 31, 2008 as i start this entry...i stayed in as usual. i never go out, sometimes we would host a get together but the past few have been relatively quiet. the girls are asleep, and i have already sent out my texts, so it is time for me to do what i do every new to god.

i pray not nearly as often as i should, i try to do it once a day but sometimes i forget. not on purpose, though.

2008 has, by far, been the worst year on record for me. i have come out of 2008 with nothing but my health and the girls health. i am truly thankful for that, but what looms is the utter failure and despair that surrounded me the past twelve months. i have lost a grandmother to cancer, a cousin to gang violence, my car, my apartment, my relationship with Nel, basically everything. and not only am i saddened, but im mad too.

part of me is furious that i have found myself in this situation with two children. they dont ask for much except to be taken care of, and i havent done that good of a job this year. i am also mad that i cant just give up. deep down, im mad at the girls for giving me a reason to hold steadfast and not collapse like i want to. if it werent for them, who knows where i would be, or what i would be doing, but i know for certain it would have involved giving in to the desire to forfeit in this game we call LIFE.

im mad at grandma for leaving, but only a little bit. her death showed me what i can get thru when i put my mind to it, and i do thank her for that. but now i dont have that excuse about death being too difficult for me, because thru her i learned that your love can overcome grief.

im mad at Nel. if you read this blog often, you know why.

as the fireworks shoot off, i can thankfully say that 2008, is now HISTORY...and i am greatful for the fresh page i get to start writing on this if you will excuse me, God and i have to finish our convo.

much love to you all in 2009!!!


thundacat said...

aaaaaaaaaa DIQUA DIQUA DIQ..i have just spent the last 2 hours reading all your entries. me and you have MUCH in common. all i can say is be greatful you have family to help you. i dont. i still live with the no good mathafukka after 11 years. my head knows he aint no good and it will never be "ok" with us..but my heart wants so badly for the father of my kids and the man i have loved since i was 17 to do right and be everything i want him to be! im at the point now of trying to figure out how i can put him out and still be okay. still do for my kids and work and not be leaving them home all alone and shit!...*sigh* God will make a way.

but just be thankful u have a dude that is ATLEAST trying..even if it is in a half ass man way....atleast he's trying!!