I forgot to do WHAT?

after a very interesting weekend, i returned home to a peaceful, quiet, clean home. the girls were still with Nel at his parents house an hour away. after a dinner out where we chatted in a friendly fashion, we brought them home, put them to bed and chatted for a while.

Well apparently, he had a lot on his chest. for about ten minutes he fussed at me for not telling him how i was feeling before i broke up with him. as i sat and listened to him, i realized he was kinda right. i never did just sit him down and say "look, im not feeling things, you do xyz and i hate it and i just cant keep on". i simply had an attitude. when i asked him if the attitude clued him in at all, he looked at me like i was crazy and said "are you kidding? youve had an attitude since you lost your job! how am i suppose to tell the difference??"

my dad asked me at the beginning of this entire situation if i had told Nel what the deal was...had i actually sat him down and said what i felt and what he needed to work on. being a woman, i hinted, mentioned, suggested, sugar coated, and assumed....Dad said something to me that i will remember from now on: men have to be TOLD. you cant assume they got it, or sugar coat it. you have to say it as clearly as possible, or else they just wont get it sometimes...and thats what i did. i know now that it was unfair to expect him to change when he had no clue/was unclear what i was unhappy about.

now, does this change my mind about things? lol, no it doesnt. but it did give me a chance to apologize to him for that, and he knows from now on, whatever i feel the need to say, im going to say it, so there is no excuse later on.

Kiss and Tell

one of my readers (hi patty!) asked me why i didnt just basically find someone else and let Nel know about, aka kiss and tell lol...i wont lie. its crossed my mind a couple times....let me run a few stories past you, about the guys i mentioned to patty, i call them my fan club.

Valentine: met him ten years ago, he was a big boy and cute...but when i say sweet as hell? he is the type of guy you take home to mom and she loves him instantly. i remember him bringing me lunch at christmas time when it was extra busy at work and i couldnt get away to eat. at 18 years old he had the insight to do this for me...! over the years, we talked and would lose contact for a year or two, but he "found" me again several months ago and has been in touch with me. he said he wishes he had the chance to go back and snag me when he had the chance so long ago...(and lord knows i wish he had too, it would have saved me a lot of trouble with baby daddy #1. but thats another story.)

Angelo: wow. so i went to a party, i think i was 20, and met all the friends out of this group of guys...all of them were extra cute and my damn girlfriends snagged them before me. one of them said, well i've got just the guy for you, im going to go pick him up from work and introduce you two! of course i was nervous, i just knew he had to be the ugly one...but he wasnt, he was as cute as the rest thank goodness. Angelo was an absolutely great guy. we talked for hours that night, and saw each other for several months, he always treated me so special even though he didnt have a lot to spend. after an unlikely breakup, we didnt see each other for years, until he found me on myspace. he has been on a one-man crusade to win me back after all this time lol, he even mailed letters from time to time to my old job telling me he regretted how we split and how he really did love me...

robert: we have known each other since 6th grade. he was my first "boyfriend", we had our last class of the day together, home ec, drama and keyboarding. Rob was a hardhead, and after 6th grade, his parents shipped him off to military school. fast forward to the first day of marching band practice, a week or so before the start of freshman year. i was in the band room and he walked in with the rest of the football team. it was one of those moments where i couldnt believe who i was seeing after so long...we never hooked up in high school although he did try a couple of times to drop a hint, something was always just off, and i loved him to death as a friend. every time someone saw him that knew me after we graduated, he asked about me...and then he found me on myspace a few months ago (myspace can be amazing for your love life lol) I got the same story from him, always cared a great deal for me, crushed on me all the way thru school, just never got the nerve to carry it any further...

these three guys consistently appear out the woodwork over the years at the craziest times, drop hints, send me cards, call me, email me, text me...if i really, really, truly wanted to hurt Nel? i have plenty of good guys i could do it with. guys like him, good looking, with educations and careers and strong feelings for me, ALL THREE OF THESE GUYS HAVE ASKED FOR SECOND CHANCES.... but the fan club has one advantage over him: no drama with me. i just cant bring myself to do it. i sometimes wonder if its coincidental that these three always find me, and always talk about what could have been?? i try not to dwell on that, i dont believe in moving backwards, but striving forward...

its just kind of hard when the past come and puts themselves in your path.

Food for the Soul

Nel just called me up, asked if he could take me out to dinner...let me back up just a bit and give you some info. one thing we have in common is food. i love to eat, he loves to cook, its basically a match made in heaven on that level...but he tends to use it sometimes to "fix me".

this weekend, i was going to go to DC but instead ran up on a snag, so now i am going to a few biker parties here with a girlfriend of mines and meet up with some people i know. Nel has no clue where im going, who im going with, how long i will be gone: and i like it like that! for the past week or two he has been asking vague questions so he can piece the puzzle together, but you cant trick a trickster, im three steps ahead. last week when he called, he asked was i going to his parents house this weekend. the convo went something like this:

nel: well im coming down friday or saturday and going to see my parents

me: okay thats fine.

nel: so are you going with us?

me: no.

nel: why not?

me: i have plans.

nel: to do what?

me: go somewhere.

nel: well you cant go with us? i was gonna go down to see them and maybe run to (insert fave soul food restaurant here)

me: (thinking, slick bastard. that buffet is NOT gonna sway me): thanks but i have plans.

by then he was heated...and i was cracking up on my end of the phone. he actually tried to sway me with the offer of a meal at my favorite spot. well played, but not well enough.

back to todays invite. he wants to take me out to eat. i told him i would think about it, but in a tone that said "i really dont think its happening" and not "i will lead him on for a while and then say yes"...and he picked up on it. he asked could we just start over again, and i told him that i cant. i simply can NOT start over at this point. he said he misses spending time with me...and i told him that when i ended things i KNEW he wouldnt be seeing me. thats the point, right?

i think i hurt his feelings, he said i dont have to go to dinner but if i change my mind, just let him know. i hate to hear him sound so damn...pitiful, but he will be okay...

First you love me, now you hate me

Mom and i took the girls out to eat yesterday. as we were sitting at our table, this really handsome guy came in and sat his little boy down at the table. he was dressed nicely, coming from work probably, very well spoken...and had on a wedding ring.

as he interacted with his son who was about two or so, i just looked at them. at first i felt blank. it was just a guy and his son eating dinner. but then i started to watch the guy. when his phone rang, he smiled as he glanced at the caller id and answered, "Hi honey!" He proceeded to tell her that he had gotten him from the sitter early and was giving her an evening off to do something for herself...from where i was sitting she sounded grateful and excited, and as he hung the phone off, he told her he loved her, and i could tell from the look on his face that it was sincere. as the tears welled up in my eyes a bit, i laughed to myself...what was so funny?

the fact that within a year or so, he could end up despising her so much that he wishes he never met her.

nobody thinks about that when they get into a relationship. anyone who watches Dr. Phil or Maury has probably had the realization that these angry, bitter couples who would love to see their exes suffer in agony, were actually in love at one point. IN LOVE...they rushed home to see them after a long day at work, watched them sleep at night, called just to say i love you...and then overnight, it vanished. obviously, they probably had some warning signs, but who pays attention to them? we are told that relationships are work, and when the major problems occur, instead of running away, we try and work on things, and inevitably repair what might not need to be fixed...

Irritated

I'm on the phone with Nel.

last night he asked me "where we went wrong"...say what? so i cut and pasted the last post and emailed it to him....now i am going thru a "conversation" about how i'm keeping the kids from him...really? i have to ask for you to cough up money for Niecy? i dont meet you halfway? well since i have no car thats kinda hard.

and then we are back to the "why havent you moved down here" conversation.

BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO...and that excuse leads you to believe i have found someone else...ctfu! dude, the only guy i see more than my DAD is my older white-bread neighbor Mr. Taylor....and he is waaaay past his expiration date.

now i have "turned into that woman that people talk shit about"...hahahHAAAAAAAA! really? it makes me soo happy that my name is coming out of peoples mouths...your family and friends know me better than you think, please dont underestimate their intellect.

and finally, he asks "so you are seriously done with us?" because APPARENTLY i havent made that clear enough. the letter, the conversations, the texts...me saying (and i quote) i dont want to be with you...im getting very irritated now. im tired of discussing this. im tired of the fussing and fighting, i am so over this that i feel like im back at the very beginning. and now supposedly i need to grow up....?

*sigh*

had i known this was going to occur years ago, i might have left the very first time we had issues and left it at that. i knew when i got pregnant that things were not going to be the same with us and here we are, just like your average divorced/separated/broken up baby mama and baby daddy...fussing over the trivial things that life has to offer and getting absolutely nowhere. I dont appreciate having to day dream about the past before my child was born and how different things were....

What's Wrong With YOU: letter to Nel

Nel,

ok, you want to know whats wrong with you? uncut, uncensored? be warned, i may hurt feelings but you want to know, so here u go.

you are a good guy. let me put that out there front and center. there are so many things i didnt have to worry about in a relationship with you, like beatings or felonies or not having a job. but there is so much more to this than that.

my mom, my dad, my sisters, my girlfriends, YOUR parents, YOUR siblings, YOUR friends...have all mentioned how you talk to me. thats right, that smart azz loud mouth of yours. does it ever occur to you how loud you are? apparently not, because i have heard for years, "you really shouldnt let him talk to you like that"...i think ive heard the word DISRESPECTFUL, BLUNT and COARSE used several times. of course, nobody mentions this to you, but i have to hear it over and over again. you cuss at me, not only in private, but in front of OTHER PEOPLE...and im not talking about kidding or playing around, just disrespectful tones/words/attitudes. and yes, i am to blame for poppin off at the mouth back at you, but i have since learned it does no good and you are just rude. you have anger issues and it has been expressed to me several times by people that they disapproved of your attitude and thought i should leave you...yes, that is right, some of the people you know and love have told me to leave over the years because of that but love is blind...lord knows that is the truth.

you have to learn by example: if what you are doing isnt working, you try something else that is working for someone else. you have so many good examples of men in your life, your dad, uncles, brother, friends, cousins, my dad and family...why is it that you dont try to emulate any of them? good strong black men are so hard to find and you are surrounded by them but dont follow some of their best teachings and examples. calm temperments and christian lifestyles can go a long way. im not judging completely because i just started going back to church full time and its done a world of good for me. you need to do the same thing. i dont care if its baptist or whatever. something with Jesus as the main focus and the bible as the scripture and you are on your way. i am doing my best and i pray for you all the time. i am never specific because i dont know what needs to be done in your life, only god.

i have said this til i was blue in the face and i will say it once more: you, under no circumstances, are to never throw the status/location/relationship of Ari's sperm donor in my damn face again. ever. you play that good guy role and take care of her and claim her when u are around, but u make little comments like, i do more than her real daddy, or , yeah lets see what your boy does for her when he gets home. you seem to love bringing this up when we are slam in the middle of an arguement that has ZERO to do with her or her no good azz daddy. i know he aint shit, but why you feel the need to use him to boost yourself up in my eyes? damn right i said it. YOU USE HIM AS A BOOST. just because he has been replaced in her eyes by you doesnt mean that shit will work with me, telling me how wonderful u are and how he hasnt done anything. by comparison yes, you look like a saint. but he is none of your business and i refuse to have him shoved in my face. i did things without him and can continue on that same path.

you are needy. needy as in, do this, do that...i broke you out of some of that nonsense over the years, but you still insist on me being some form of servant. YOU are not my husband, therefore there is no submitting to you. i blame myself for letting you get away with it for so long but i know better now. seriously, you act so needy sometimes that i wonder if you can do things on your own. i know, you probably said Hell yes i can do anything without you...but can you really? even split up you are still calling me and asking me to do favors for you. GROW UP. i have 2 children but when you get to whining like them i feel like i have 3.

my daddy told me that men dont change because women want them to and it was the best advice i have ever gotten from him. but seriously you have to listen to what women say and see if there is room for change in your life! i never asked you to change, mainly because it would have been a complete waste of time, but you should have known what needed to be WORKED ON. dont change or do a half azzed attempt because of me. do it for yourself. my only concern was making you a better man for our family. why would i sabotage that? any suggestion/hint i made was out of love and concern but you saw it as "changing" you...well fine. if you want to be only half the man i think you can be, suit yourself.

you made me not tell you anything. i cant stand having old, non-important bullshit thrown up in my face. from the money u put down towards my car to the rent u paid alone while i was on maternity leave, give it a break. thats why i didnt tell you shit. my bill was late? id rather pay late fees than hear your mouth two years from now reminding me about how you paid it for me. that is why i handled things on my own. you call it "Independant" and i say thank you. you never learned to let things stay in the past that are not relevant to the present or future. sure, i would bring up the suspected cheating/lying when it resurfaced, but it was relevant to where i needed to go and what i needed to do in life. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and thanks, but no thanks. i had quite enough of that.

OH GOODNESS, i hate to have to bring this up, but you have yet to learn the meaning of sacrifice...i have seen you spend money on things that werent important over bills....and not on good or nice things, like a vacation or dinner out. REALLY STUPID THINGS, LIKE BIKE WEEK! you arent concerned with anyone but yourself, and until that happens u arent going to be worth much to anyone. instead of living a dream with your head in the clouds, how about you take care of what should be your number one concern, not a damn bike, or a damn helmet for the bike, or designer sunglasses, or a new chain, or a newer car, or weed: YOUR CHILD. stop putting yourself first and take care of her...this has pissed me off for years, even before Niecy was born. you are so quick to do for yourself. yeah, i know you did a lot for me, but not without being reminded over and over, and not without you running a tab of who has done more for the other one. stop looking at new cars and trying to upgrade all the damn time. nobody cares but you. in the end that is all you are going to have left.

maybe this last thing is just a product of my environment, but i freakin hate being checked up on. i dont mean an occasional text, i mean the several occasions where dozens of phone calls have been made. DOZENS. i prided myself on being that cool girlfriend, the one who doesnt feel the need to check up on you if i havent heard from you. and why should i? what the hell does that stop? you still did your dirt in the end, me calling you did nothing to stop it, matter of fact you were calling her after we hung up. i lived in a house where some days, my daddy didnt call from work to "check" on my grown azz mom. she didnt call bothering him either. why in the hell would i sit and have a conversation on the phone with you at 3pm? what the hell are we gonna talk about later on tonight? my parents gave each other the room that i didnt see myself getting with you. all it ever did was piss me off further.

you know what i want in a man? let me tell you, since you were missing a few qualities: i want a tender, sweet love...one that makes sacrifices for me. one that takes care of home and knows where to go to look for examples. i cant make sacrifices for you and not get them in return...its just not fair...treat me like a LADY. i dont ask to be spoiled, but at least tell me you want to spoil me. basically the opposite of what had been happening. i have grown a lot in six years, most women would in their 20's. you have to learn for that next girl that growth demands change. what works for her now might not work for her ten years down the road...you get out of a relationship what you put into it, so next time you need to dig really deep.

Bee

i think thats it.

Happily NEVER After: The B'day Chronicles

my birthday in January was a nice one for a change...he treated me to dinner with a group of some of my closest friends. i got to eat and drink as i pleased, i looked great, and had an awesome evening...then when we got home, he wanted some.

i will admit, i am that girl you have to keep an eye out for in bars...when i drink i get a little fresh and he loves me that way. its the easiest time for him to get some and my inhibitions are nowhere to be found. i said no, i was tired and had those drinks hitting me in the ass and do you know he called me on that shit?? like i owed him for taking me out for my birthday! did i want to sleep with him? of course, but when you throw it in my face that you "earned" it in a sense, my libido is gone...

to top things off, on his birthday about 2 weeks ago, we all went out as a family. it was after part 1 of our "i dont think this is gonna work" talk and so the conversation was very short and limited to the girls. he had a few drinks, i had a few drinks, and after i got the girls in bed, he jumps on me. tells me that even though he knows i dont wanna be with him (he said with a healthy dose of sarcasm and a laugh!), i should give him some since it was his birthday.

so thats how the complete ending occured, or should i say started. i pushed him down on the couch...and left the room. when i came back he tried again but i sat him down and looked at him and said, you arent getting this, are u? he asked what i meant and then the convo kinda went downhill

me: look, i tried to explain last weekend that i really dont see things improving and that i dont want to be in a relationship with you.

nel: wait, so you were serious?

me: (trying to not get up and choke him) yes i was.

nel: man, what the hell. so you mean to tell me after 6 years that you dont want to be with me anymore?

me: that is exactly what i am trying to say. i have been nice about it for weeks now but you just keep kicking the subject and now i felt i should break it down for you.

nel: (blank stare) so youre serious...

me: yes. (at this point he starts to pack his things up.) You dont have to go just because i said that...

nel: im not staying here after you just sat here and told me after all we have been through that you dont want to be with me anymore.

me: well your main purpose of coming down here SHOULD have been just the kids, and now you want to leave after i say im not sleeping with you? i havent slept with you since Christmas!

nel: (his most crucial mistake of the evening) is there someone else?

me: (mad as hell he wants to pull that bullshit) no there isnt.

nel: whatever...(kisses the baby and left)

I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING....DO NOT pull that "someone else" mess on me when YOU are the one who started the entire process of this shit failing! you move 2 hours away and ask ME is there someone else? HELL NO THERE ISNT. i sit at home all day with these two girls BY MYSELF, while your carefree azz gets to skip around and be free...Real talk. my bff told me months ago that sex was interfering in what needed to be fixed and she was right. as soon as it gets cut off, you want to trip and act like you have no damn sense. JUST BECAUSE i was sleeping with you does NOT mean things were fixed, right, repaired, okay, getting better, or any other feeling that you came up with. i hate to quote dudes, but IT WAS JUST SEX. and i apologize for my part of the blame that led you on to believe that i was cool with things and i thought they were okay, because they havent been for months....and now i think you see where i am coming from.

Dad and i did lunch a day or so after that. he was quiet while i talked and at the end told me that he felt i did the right thing for my situation. whether it will work or not? who knows. only time will tell...