I Do...i think...

has anyone figured out the whole marriage thing? i heard a woman the other day say, "marriage is a lot of trouble, but its worth it!" say what?



i guess what im trying to say is WHATS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?????? just to let you know, my parents are not the cause of my sudden dislike for all things matrimonial...they have been together for almost 30 years. thats right, 30 freaking years...a lifetime, basically.

what do you all think? is it worth it? or do you expect to find yourself wishing the other person would leave so you dont have to...

Moving On...Maybe Not?

Nel has been up my ass about moving down where he is. i am not in the mood.

forgive me for being blunt, but who in their right mind will volunteer to move back in with someone who was semi-unfaithful, bossy, anal, and job hopping? what the hell is going on! i know its hard for him seeing the girls on the weekend, and he is burning up a lot of gas, blah blah, but that is not my problem. i take care of these two 24/7 so the least he can do is drive up here on the weekends.

not only that, i really dont like it down there. i have friends and some family, but other than that i am severely underwhelmed. tons of traffic, bridges, tunnels, whats to love? i like my life where it is, but i hate where i am living so thats causes him to assume i will move on down and forget all about our troubles.

my mom is a pain. i love her so much but the two of us should not live together. i am messy, she is neat. im relaxed, she is...not. but i can tolerate this situation as long as i possibly can, because HE IS JUST LIKE HER. you all know about the semi-unfaithfulness, let me fill u in on the rest.

bossy: you name it, he feels he should run it. case closed.

anal: any person who comes in the house and DOES A WALK THRU has got to be out their minds. what the hell does he think happened? oh, i know, that ash tray got moved, because you just went and fixed it. i swear, before we stopped living together, i would move stuff around just to see him move it back. that is some majorly annoying shit, people.

job hopping: ok, while i whole-heartedly agree he keeps a job, he just keeps too many. i understand making money but he has worked i would bet going on 20 jobs since we met. they always "disrespect" him or "overwork" him...i stay at jobs i hate to make ends meet, and i shut up about it until something better comes along. how hard is that? not to mention how many jobs "weren't for him"...really? if they have benefits and a paycheck, whats not to love...

basically, i dont want to leave here and end up like we did last year, on the streets basically. i realize things arent anyones fault, but with me not working and zero prospects in sight, i cant uproot my girls and move an hour away where nobody can help me when i need help...not as shaky as things are with him...i promised myself that awful situation wouldnt happen again, so im not leaving until i can make sure it wont.

2008 is dead and gone...

it is ten minutes to midnight, December 31, 2008 as i start this entry...i stayed in as usual. i never go out, sometimes we would host a get together but the past few have been relatively quiet. the girls are asleep, and i have already sent out my texts, so it is time for me to do what i do every new years...talk to god.

i pray not nearly as often as i should, i try to do it once a day but sometimes i forget. not on purpose, though.

2008 has, by far, been the worst year on record for me. i have come out of 2008 with nothing but my health and the girls health. i am truly thankful for that, but what looms is the utter failure and despair that surrounded me the past twelve months. i have lost a grandmother to cancer, a cousin to gang violence, my car, my apartment, my relationship with Nel, basically everything. and not only am i saddened, but im mad too.

part of me is furious that i have found myself in this situation with two children. they dont ask for much except to be taken care of, and i havent done that good of a job this year. i am also mad that i cant just give up. deep down, im mad at the girls for giving me a reason to hold steadfast and not collapse like i want to. if it werent for them, who knows where i would be, or what i would be doing, but i know for certain it would have involved giving in to the desire to forfeit in this game we call LIFE.

im mad at grandma for leaving, but only a little bit. her death showed me what i can get thru when i put my mind to it, and i do thank her for that. but now i dont have that excuse about death being too difficult for me, because thru her i learned that your love can overcome grief.

im mad at Nel. if you read this blog often, you know why.

as the fireworks shoot off, i can thankfully say that 2008, is now HISTORY...and i am greatful for the fresh page i get to start writing on this year...now if you will excuse me, God and i have to finish our convo.

much love to you all in 2009!!!
Sadiqua

the right direction

oh wow, is it December already?????

i know i actually have followers now lol and you are mad i left you hanging...so here is an update.

still not back together with Nel. we are working diligently on things, and making a bit of progress...he comes almost every weekend to see the girls. i have stopped checking up on him. do i trust him? not necessarily, but i have found that it does no good. all i am going to do is find what im looking for, right?

he has made it very clear that he wants things to work out between us and im glad he is putting forth an effort. i will admit, we didnt stop sleeping together (sorry!) and i had promised i would work on that...but i didnt. i am glad that we have the sense to keep thing protected though, especially after why we broke up, and the chance of my fertile behind getting knocked up again...

Niecy turned one, Ari turned eight a week later. his parents and my parents joined us for a wonderful birthday dinner at Olive Garden. he still hadnt told his parents about the split, or so i thought...

thanksgiving day, we went down south to his sisters house. (we are very close, she is like a big sister to me) as people came in, his mom was introducing me to people i hadnt met before...and it went something like this:

"this is Nel's girlfriend, well, wait, friend? acquaintance? i dont know, what are you calling yourselves now? She is Niecy's mom, so Nel's friend..."

Nel and i blinked and just looked at each other...what could we say? i didnt get a chance to ask what was going on, had she found out? all i know is that we were stunned as hell...

next up, nels going to try and get a place down there...still aint moving as far as im concerned, but its a step in the right direction...

Pants On Fire

blog i posted elsewhere a while ago...right when all this was starting...

i hate a liar.

what exactly is a liar? websters defines a liar as a person who tells lies. and a lie is defined as a story a person tells with the intent of deceiving another person.
wow. that is kinda strong, isnt it? to intentionally deceive another person. to go out of your way and be dishonest about something to cover your own a**. okay, so my definition isnt Websters, but its close enough.

what do people lie about that isnt completely wrong? plenty. women lie about age and weight. men lie about their height. we lie when people ask if they look fat in those jeans, or that yes, your mothers dinner was the best you've ever had. in the end, these lies dont really hurt anyone. nor are they meant to be hurtful.

but sometimes, you get hit in the face with a lie so blatant and stunning, you blink in shock and wonder when you got "dumba**" tattooed on your forehead. that type of lie that makes you nauseous and cold with the realization that the person didnt think enough of you to tell the truth.
are you a liar in training? or want to make sure you are doing it right? here are some rules for lying:
-be prepared to lose something in the process: a friend, family member, relationship, job. the list goes on and on. it doesnt matter. you can lie about it later.
-if someone asks you IN DETAIL about something, you might want to go on and tell the truth. they probably already know the truth and you will be caught lying. then you have to lie some more.
-most people dont want their feelings "spared". they want the truth. damn morals.
-if you know the truth is gonna cost you something anyway, you may as well tell it. why tack "liar" to the list of things you are?
-don't swear on anything when you are lying. god, your moms grave, Mary of Magdalene...nothing. you might have to take that up with someone later on...
-nobody is going to believe a word you say ever again. if you say the sky is blue, people will be peeking thru blinds to make sure.
-once that trust is broken, your chances of ever getting back to that level of trust are slim to none. ouch.
-have your story together before you lie. throw a few "ah's" and "um's" in for good measure. you can also repeat the question or rephrase it to buy yourself some time. look up at the ceiling, or down at the floor. fiddle with your hands. better yet, dont do it in person. do it over the phone, that way they cant see you at all!
-if you feel justified in your lie, back that sh*t up! "man up" as they say. dont back down!
-keep a calendar. you are going to want to throw in some dates or time periods to further make your lie seem real.
-if you are caught lying, lie again. and again. then flip the script on the other person. if they are dumb enough, they will change the subject to defend themselves and forget about the web you were weaving...
-become friends with other liars. after a while there may be no family or friends in your life left to hear the bulls*it that come from your lips. but other liars always love to hear your stories about how you squeezed out of that tight situation!
-prepare to be alone. and dont bother apologizing. it wont work. and you are probably lying about the apology too, so thats just another list of crap you have to keep track of! follow the KISS rule! (keep it simple, stupid)

have you been lied to? here is your list of rules...
-CUT. NO. SLACK.
-have consequences. real ones. ones that get your point across.
-never back down. once the liar knows you know they are lying, they will try and shift the blame on you. this isnt about you. its about the liar.
-know (most of the people, most of the time) you dont deserve it.
-replace these liars with people who dont lie. once a liar, probably always a liar. at least about the original subject of the lie.
-realize that you dont have to accept apologies. i know that is sooo un-Christian like. but lets face it. most of the apologies arent honest. its a way to calm your nerves and make it seem like they have changed and that lie just so happened to fall out their mouths.
-forgive and forget is done on a personal basis. or at least the forget part is. you can forgive if you want to. thats your business and its healthy for your mental state. but if you cant forget, its best you move on.

i hope my diatribe (blog for those of you who havent graduated high school or taken your SAT's yet) on lying was informative, and whether you are a liar, been lied to, reformed liar, or contemplating becoming one, you know what to do and how to do it well.

those of you who know me well, know that i joke and kid around on a constant basis, and i even joke around in this blog. but i am personally tired of being taken for a fool, and if you find yourself in the same situation, at work, or home, hell, even on MySpace, its time to free yourself from the drama...everything will be alright in the end. if its not alright, its not the end...

Bee

The Goldilocks Effect

well i got out last night. had a great evening with my 2 bff's and another girl who i think will become a friend very easily. Nel stayed with the girls. he couldnt stay out my face before i left, even took time out to pull me aside and tell me to not show my ass. i laughed and told him to get lost. When my girlfriend came to pick me up, i kissed the girls and headed out. he followed me to the door and asked could he get a goodbye hug. once again, i laughed and left.

besides the fact that of course, he managed to text me while i was out, it was a good night. i had a few really good drinks, headed home, and, due to that alcohol-blurred judgement, did the one thing i have said i would NOT do. we had sex.

it was sweet, tender, soft...all the things that i need from him right now. he whispered his regrets in my ear and apologized numerous times. it was high, it was low, it was what i call Goldilocks syndrome: everything was "just right"...i have mentioned before that we dont have issues in this area. in fact, we make up harder than we fight. i guess we just have a lot of passion together, whether its negative or positive. he brings things out of me that surprise both of us, and i do the same to him. that said, i felt and still feel guilty. there is a level of comfort that we have with each other when it comes to sex, it is so easy to fall back into that trap and forget the reason we were fighting to begin with. it is a major distraction.

i cant help but think what might be going thru his mind. "yep, it still works!", "she just USED me!", "i knew she couldnt keep this nonsense up"...i feel like i went back on what i said in that moment of weakness with him. i still dont want him to think things are getting back to normal.

it is scary though...mom warned me when this all started: if you let him go to do what he wants, he just may do that. i dont want to be viewed as that safe, definite jump-off, aka his steady, easy to coax booty call. i want him to get things together and work towards a common goal. im stuck...do i continue to show that weakness around him? or do i tough it out and suffer in the meantime...i really dont know what direction to take.

i cornered him outside when he was leaving and laid one of those long, deep kisses on him. i dont know if he was surprised or not, but it took everything in me to pull back. it could have gone a lot further and a lot deeper and this clearly would have been my fault, seeing as there was no alcohol in my system. this would have been a completely sober experience.

i guess now my heart is fighting with my head. my heart is desperate to get things back the way they were. my head knows better. i guess the Goldilocks effect isnt apparent in this entire situation, but at least the part that has always worked with us still does.

Breaking Loose

Nel will be here tomorrow to see the girls. i will be leaving tomorrow night to have a night on the town.

i havent had a break in a while. its difficult being with the baby 24-7, and sometimes i need a break badly. i told him when he comes up, be prepared to stay the night, because i dont plan on coming in at a decent hour. i deserve that. he said that all he does is work down there.

that, my friends, may be the case. but he has 3 things i dont have: money, a car, and no need for a babysitter, aka freedom. im too worn out to run to Wal-mart in the evenings, let alone fraternize with some of my girlfriends past 8.

im just tired in general. tired of living at my parents house, tired of being unemployed, tired of doing things alone. i appreciate the help i do get, but the help i am supposed to get? nonexistant. i see now why men leave. coming home to an angry, bitter, attention-starved woman like me would run the most Christian man into his mothers arms. im trying to get better, but it is taking longer than i expected.

part of me is still mad he has the easy end of this. sure, i could go on down there, try and force a smile on my face and pretend i wasnt betrayed, but that isnt me. i cant run back because im suffering in so many ways. my head tells me its the logical thing to do, but my heart and my soul tell me its still not fixed and i just cant put myself thru anymore.

right now i just plan to go out, have a few drinks, maybe flirt a little. i know my heart wont be in it completely, but i will just have to follow my head for once.