Happily NEVER After: The B'day Chronicles

my birthday in January was a nice one for a change...he treated me to dinner with a group of some of my closest friends. i got to eat and drink as i pleased, i looked great, and had an awesome evening...then when we got home, he wanted some.

i will admit, i am that girl you have to keep an eye out for in bars...when i drink i get a little fresh and he loves me that way. its the easiest time for him to get some and my inhibitions are nowhere to be found. i said no, i was tired and had those drinks hitting me in the ass and do you know he called me on that shit?? like i owed him for taking me out for my birthday! did i want to sleep with him? of course, but when you throw it in my face that you "earned" it in a sense, my libido is gone...

to top things off, on his birthday about 2 weeks ago, we all went out as a family. it was after part 1 of our "i dont think this is gonna work" talk and so the conversation was very short and limited to the girls. he had a few drinks, i had a few drinks, and after i got the girls in bed, he jumps on me. tells me that even though he knows i dont wanna be with him (he said with a healthy dose of sarcasm and a laugh!), i should give him some since it was his birthday.

so thats how the complete ending occured, or should i say started. i pushed him down on the couch...and left the room. when i came back he tried again but i sat him down and looked at him and said, you arent getting this, are u? he asked what i meant and then the convo kinda went downhill

me: look, i tried to explain last weekend that i really dont see things improving and that i dont want to be in a relationship with you.

nel: wait, so you were serious?

me: (trying to not get up and choke him) yes i was.

nel: man, what the hell. so you mean to tell me after 6 years that you dont want to be with me anymore?

me: that is exactly what i am trying to say. i have been nice about it for weeks now but you just keep kicking the subject and now i felt i should break it down for you.

nel: (blank stare) so youre serious...

me: yes. (at this point he starts to pack his things up.) You dont have to go just because i said that...

nel: im not staying here after you just sat here and told me after all we have been through that you dont want to be with me anymore.

me: well your main purpose of coming down here SHOULD have been just the kids, and now you want to leave after i say im not sleeping with you? i havent slept with you since Christmas!

nel: (his most crucial mistake of the evening) is there someone else?

me: (mad as hell he wants to pull that bullshit) no there isnt.

nel: whatever...(kisses the baby and left)

I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING....DO NOT pull that "someone else" mess on me when YOU are the one who started the entire process of this shit failing! you move 2 hours away and ask ME is there someone else? HELL NO THERE ISNT. i sit at home all day with these two girls BY MYSELF, while your carefree azz gets to skip around and be free...Real talk. my bff told me months ago that sex was interfering in what needed to be fixed and she was right. as soon as it gets cut off, you want to trip and act like you have no damn sense. JUST BECAUSE i was sleeping with you does NOT mean things were fixed, right, repaired, okay, getting better, or any other feeling that you came up with. i hate to quote dudes, but IT WAS JUST SEX. and i apologize for my part of the blame that led you on to believe that i was cool with things and i thought they were okay, because they havent been for months....and now i think you see where i am coming from.

Dad and i did lunch a day or so after that. he was quiet while i talked and at the end told me that he felt i did the right thing for my situation. whether it will work or not? who knows. only time will tell...

Woman

A man is to respect, serve, and love his own woman...one woman...the same woman. He is to fill her above the brim with respect and love of herself. All that runs over will be his, because if she respects and loves herself, she will respect and love him. --PrettyBoy, on greekchat.com

hm. i love that quote. i dont know if its from a philosopher, or a poet, but it rings true in so many ways...

as of February 28, i have had to end things with Nel on a permanant note. things werent working and he was oblivious. i asked him did he think things were getting better and he said yes. YES??? Really?

ladies (and gents) if you experience any of these warning signs, its time to split.

1. you notice your attitude plunge southward when he comes around. i became uberbitch when he appeared and he was constantly asking why i was being so rude? it was because his very presence pissed me off. why? i dont know. and that is what is so scary.

2. you just dont give a shit about anything to do with your appearance. at all. get my hair done? why? change out of pajamas? get real...in my mind it got to the point where i didnt feel i needed to get cute for him even though we hadnt seen each other for a week.

3. he comes, you leave. i would have thought this was obvious with him. despite the fact that i get NO BREAK being mommy during the week, i made sure i was MIA when he got here...club? bar? didnt matter. i would get sexy and sit at walmart if i had to, but i had to make it seem that i would and could get someone else.

those are just a few of the things i noticed about myself, they may or may not pertain to you but be careful about number 1...its a doozy and i realized how nasty i was to everyone when he got here! im sure there are other signs that i might not have had but i sure did notice these three and now that he is not my concern, my life has lightened up a bit...

So Long...for now?

so you probably wanna know about last week, and our convo about putting a halt to trying to work things out. and i dont blame you, so here is some clarification.
first off, when i said i dont wanna move down there because i just dont...that is it. i just dont. there is no hidden reason. im not running down there behind you, and thats what i would be doing, because i have nothing else down there to go for.
you have to admit, that whole text message thing threw us off, but all it did was separate us long enough to take a look at things and see if they needed to continue. well, i guess you didnt take time to think while we had a break. you have to realize, when u drive a wedge between us, it gives me time to think...u have to be willing to accept what i discover during that time.
why ON EARTH would you mention marriage? two years ago when i mentioned it, i got an hour long lecture about how i was "pressuring you". and then, just last week, u had the nerve to tell me i was doing what all your friends said i would do when we got married. so whats changed your mind? are you now willing to accept my changes and how things might be? i dont believe it.
i dont want you to think that i dont love you anymore, or i dont like you. i just cant be with you. maybe thats permanent, maybe its temporary. but right this second, i want to be by myself. we have done a lot of growing in the past 6 years, we arent the same people anymore, you need to realize that just like i did not too long ago. we have different goals now. i want to be on my own. because of circumstances in my life, i have never had a chance to do things for myself and thats what i want! we both still have a lot of growing up to do...take this time and figure out what you really want, because that is what im doing too.

I Do...i think...

has anyone figured out the whole marriage thing? i heard a woman the other day say, "marriage is a lot of trouble, but its worth it!" say what?



i guess what im trying to say is WHATS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?????? just to let you know, my parents are not the cause of my sudden dislike for all things matrimonial...they have been together for almost 30 years. thats right, 30 freaking years...a lifetime, basically.

what do you all think? is it worth it? or do you expect to find yourself wishing the other person would leave so you dont have to...

Moving On...Maybe Not?

Nel has been up my ass about moving down where he is. i am not in the mood.

forgive me for being blunt, but who in their right mind will volunteer to move back in with someone who was semi-unfaithful, bossy, anal, and job hopping? what the hell is going on! i know its hard for him seeing the girls on the weekend, and he is burning up a lot of gas, blah blah, but that is not my problem. i take care of these two 24/7 so the least he can do is drive up here on the weekends.

not only that, i really dont like it down there. i have friends and some family, but other than that i am severely underwhelmed. tons of traffic, bridges, tunnels, whats to love? i like my life where it is, but i hate where i am living so thats causes him to assume i will move on down and forget all about our troubles.

my mom is a pain. i love her so much but the two of us should not live together. i am messy, she is neat. im relaxed, she is...not. but i can tolerate this situation as long as i possibly can, because HE IS JUST LIKE HER. you all know about the semi-unfaithfulness, let me fill u in on the rest.

bossy: you name it, he feels he should run it. case closed.

anal: any person who comes in the house and DOES A WALK THRU has got to be out their minds. what the hell does he think happened? oh, i know, that ash tray got moved, because you just went and fixed it. i swear, before we stopped living together, i would move stuff around just to see him move it back. that is some majorly annoying shit, people.

job hopping: ok, while i whole-heartedly agree he keeps a job, he just keeps too many. i understand making money but he has worked i would bet going on 20 jobs since we met. they always "disrespect" him or "overwork" him...i stay at jobs i hate to make ends meet, and i shut up about it until something better comes along. how hard is that? not to mention how many jobs "weren't for him"...really? if they have benefits and a paycheck, whats not to love...

basically, i dont want to leave here and end up like we did last year, on the streets basically. i realize things arent anyones fault, but with me not working and zero prospects in sight, i cant uproot my girls and move an hour away where nobody can help me when i need help...not as shaky as things are with him...i promised myself that awful situation wouldnt happen again, so im not leaving until i can make sure it wont.

2008 is dead and gone...

it is ten minutes to midnight, December 31, 2008 as i start this entry...i stayed in as usual. i never go out, sometimes we would host a get together but the past few have been relatively quiet. the girls are asleep, and i have already sent out my texts, so it is time for me to do what i do every new years...talk to god.

i pray not nearly as often as i should, i try to do it once a day but sometimes i forget. not on purpose, though.

2008 has, by far, been the worst year on record for me. i have come out of 2008 with nothing but my health and the girls health. i am truly thankful for that, but what looms is the utter failure and despair that surrounded me the past twelve months. i have lost a grandmother to cancer, a cousin to gang violence, my car, my apartment, my relationship with Nel, basically everything. and not only am i saddened, but im mad too.

part of me is furious that i have found myself in this situation with two children. they dont ask for much except to be taken care of, and i havent done that good of a job this year. i am also mad that i cant just give up. deep down, im mad at the girls for giving me a reason to hold steadfast and not collapse like i want to. if it werent for them, who knows where i would be, or what i would be doing, but i know for certain it would have involved giving in to the desire to forfeit in this game we call LIFE.

im mad at grandma for leaving, but only a little bit. her death showed me what i can get thru when i put my mind to it, and i do thank her for that. but now i dont have that excuse about death being too difficult for me, because thru her i learned that your love can overcome grief.

im mad at Nel. if you read this blog often, you know why.

as the fireworks shoot off, i can thankfully say that 2008, is now HISTORY...and i am greatful for the fresh page i get to start writing on this year...now if you will excuse me, God and i have to finish our convo.

much love to you all in 2009!!!
Sadiqua

the right direction

oh wow, is it December already?????

i know i actually have followers now lol and you are mad i left you hanging...so here is an update.

still not back together with Nel. we are working diligently on things, and making a bit of progress...he comes almost every weekend to see the girls. i have stopped checking up on him. do i trust him? not necessarily, but i have found that it does no good. all i am going to do is find what im looking for, right?

he has made it very clear that he wants things to work out between us and im glad he is putting forth an effort. i will admit, we didnt stop sleeping together (sorry!) and i had promised i would work on that...but i didnt. i am glad that we have the sense to keep thing protected though, especially after why we broke up, and the chance of my fertile behind getting knocked up again...

Niecy turned one, Ari turned eight a week later. his parents and my parents joined us for a wonderful birthday dinner at Olive Garden. he still hadnt told his parents about the split, or so i thought...

thanksgiving day, we went down south to his sisters house. (we are very close, she is like a big sister to me) as people came in, his mom was introducing me to people i hadnt met before...and it went something like this:

"this is Nel's girlfriend, well, wait, friend? acquaintance? i dont know, what are you calling yourselves now? She is Niecy's mom, so Nel's friend..."

Nel and i blinked and just looked at each other...what could we say? i didnt get a chance to ask what was going on, had she found out? all i know is that we were stunned as hell...

next up, nels going to try and get a place down there...still aint moving as far as im concerned, but its a step in the right direction...