An Update!

I know, I know…I haven’t blogged in so long! It’s a shame too, so much has happened in the last few months.

I started a new job, love it!
Then my laptop cord died on me and I couldn’t afford a new one…
I lost several family members….hated it! (I will definitely blog about them later on….)
I got my car! And then it died >:-( but now it’s fixed!
My sister informed us a few days ago that she is going to the Coast Guard. wtf.

The past few months have been a serious rollercoaster of emotions for me, and I haven’t even gotten to Nel yet. Sigh. Actually, nothing has really been going on with us. He is still begging to get back together, and he is also working two jobs, so unfortunately, I get minimum breaks now. Since I am also working with children, I basically get ZERO breaks! That sucks. I went for so long without a car and now that I have one, and on occasion, a few dollars burning my pockets, I can’t leave because my mom watches the kids, so after-hours babysitting earns me a side eye. Just one more example of something I have to remind Nel about frequently…he still doesn’t understand what it’s like not getting a break from things. Sure, he works two jobs, but if he wanted to save his money up and take a vacation in a few months, he could do that without a second thought. I don’t have that luxury. I can barely pee without the little one knocking on the door.

I know what some of you are saying…take those kids, and drop them right off at his house and keep it moving. don’t get me wrong…that thought crosses my mind every day. Hell, the last few times he has come up, he hasn’t even stayed overnight, just for a few hours and then went right back home, long enough for me to go grocery shopping or do laundry. yay. what kind of break is that???

I have decided that from now on, once a month, he has to take them. Completely. it can be the same weekend every month but dammit I am overdue in the “take care of me” department and I can’t do it when I am looking at these two children every day! I’m single, working, have a car, I deserve to enjoy life. I don’t know how he is going to feel about it but frankly, I am not concerned. I know he has two jobs but one is on weekdays only so he can tell the other job that once a month they have to shove it. NOT MY PROBLEM!

oh well. there are other things going on in my wacky, wonderful life. I promise to get them updated soon!

Meet Me Halfway

hmph. so i gotta car. it isn't the BMW i dreamed of, but its decent transportation and i got a complete STEAL so who's complaining? I'll tell you who: Nel is.

if i hear one more time about "when are you going to bring the kids to see me?" i am gonna cut someone. i think he still has the undying dream that we are a "family" and that if i bring the girls down, there's no way I'm going to just come back home. boy does he have another thing coming. I understand that for the past year, any and all visiting has been him coming down here. HOWEVER, with my current job situation, i cant gallivant all over Virginia so he can play daddy for the day. besides that, i need a damn BREAK. I'm not taking the kids down there so he can watch TV on the couch while i chase after them! NO SIR! i can stay HOME and do that shit!

am i wrong? is it time for me to step up and start running them up and down the road more?

Ten People I Hate: a Throwback

Posted April 2008
Ten people i hate...are you one of them?


there are ten people i hate. please tell me you are not one of them...

10. Mrs. walks-too-slowly-across-the-street-at-walmart...is there lead in your a**? i was nice enough to let you cross in front of me, why can't you move faster??? This aint Maymont, no strolling. Move it.

9. Mr. picks-his-nose-at-the-stop-light...dude, unless you are in the back of a limo, WE CAN ALL SEE YOU. please, use a kleenex. or at least a leftover napkin from Quiznos. save your gold mining for somewhere less public. its gross.

8. Mrs. doesnt-discipline-her-kids-in-public...aka Mrs. whispering softly to Bobby to please get out the floor next to produce and i promise ill buy you a happy meal and two toys...this is all very simple. hand + a** = being able to go in public and not look like a crappy parent.

7. Mr. i-cant-decide-what-to-order-at-the-McDonalds-drivethru. unless you are from a remote island in indiginous Peru, you know what a Mcdonalds is. for those 7 people, Mcdonalds has basically three things. Beef, fries, and etc. really, just pick a number 1 thru 10, and say "with a coke" and you will probably be okay. dont make me get out the car...

6. Mrs. WELCOME-TO-WACHOVIA-WOULD-YOUR-CHILD-LIKE-A-LOLLIPOP???... lady, she didnt even realize you had them until three loud seconds ago. now, if i say yes, i have to find wrappers and sticks for the next six months, and clean sticky handprints off my back windows. not to mention the hyperactivity. if i say no, i have to hear whining. its a catch 22.

5. Mr. doesnt-hold-the-door-for-ANYONE... you sir, are an a**. i have met you at every possible establishment. dont pretend you dont see me struggling with two children, a diaper bag and a stroller. one of these days you are going to catch me after a sleepless night and im gonna let you have it.

4. Mrs. loud-private-cell-phone-conversation-in-the-checkout-line...wow. this has been a very informative 3 minutes in line behind you. not only does your sisters ex lovers cousin have an std, he hasnt come out the closet and he just bought a new honda. throw in the fact that you are totally fixing Aunt Trudys pot roast for dinner, and you owe me about ten minutes of my life back.

3. mr/mrs international-bill-collector/telemarketer. hm. yeah, um, Sprint? in the future, i will totally need someone WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH FLUENTLY to handle my issues. please do not connect me to an Indian person named Lisa. (Lisa? really? thats your birth name? i think not.) and nnnnooooooooo. i dont need somebody from New Dheli telling me about vacation packages. i swear the next one to call is gonna get a speech about bills and why 6 nights in Jamaica aint gonna pay them.

2. mr or mrs whoever-controls-the-gas-prices. your a** is mines.

1. Mr and miss I-HATE-MY-JOB-SO-I AM-GONNA-COMPLAIN-LOUDLY-ABOUT-IT-IN-FRONT-OF-MY-CUSTOMER. usually in their teenaged years, this species seems to be concentrated in my local Walmart. this animal can change right in front of your eyes, usually into the elusive I-CANT-WAIT-TO-GET-OFF-IN-TEN-MINUTES, or even the I-GOT-OFF-HALF-AN-HOUR-AGO-WHY-ISNT-MY-REPLACEMENT-HERE-YET. look, i hate coming into walmart as much as you hate working here, so i know how you feel. i understand that half your co-workers didnt bring their hungover a**es in today. i also understand you are one of the 3 cashiers open at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday when there are 30 other lanes. but please, work with me. you ring up my trash bags, $5.00 gallon of milk, and wine coolers, and i wont tell your boss that you "was totally 'bout to walk up out dis b*tch". see? im easy to get along with!


honorable mentions: Ms. doesnt-fill-my-cup-all-the-way-at-the-Wendys-drivethru, mrs. mispronounces-my-name-LOUDLY-in-the-doctors-office-waiting-room, Mr. talks-to-me-like-a-child-when-i-get-my-oil-changed, and ex-President Bush.

You Don't Get a Thank You

Sooo. it appears Nel is super extra pissed at me because i didnt thank him for giving me the money that i require to get a car so i can get a job. Let me start at the beginning...

Nel left in July. i decided then that i wouldnt be that "evil baby mama" and let him just do right, or at least i would give him the chance first. although he is unreliable as hell at times, i figured i would give the opportunity to act responsibly without getting the courts involved, because they are ruthless as hell and him getting locked up behind some child support does me NO good..

anyway, i got little sprinkles of money for a few months. and i mean sprinkles. my parents got heated (and still are!) because while he was down there "getting his things together" i was up here living rent free at my parents house. They felt that he should be at least paying me enough for me to help out around here, and they are right. two kids use a lot of water/electricity! i asked him if he finally had things in order so that i could start getting steady, decent amounts. im not being unreasonable, i just want to take care of the baby, because diapers are not free, and i have been selling half my belongings on eBay just so i can purchase things for her. THAT IS NOT RIGHT...

he had the nerve to tell me that after paying his brother for staying with him, paying his car note, and paying his insurance, he didnt have any extra money, and that what he did have left over, he put in his gas tank and came to see the girls. I. WENT. OFF. Extra? you dont have any EXTRA?? i very sweetly let him know that if i took him to court, that "extra" would be the first thing coming out of his check every 2 weeks! your child support isnt EXTRA MONEY. it is a necessity and i cant function when you are being trifling! i even suggested he stop visiting as much. YES i told him to cut back on his trips. all he would do is show up with stuff, park on my moms couch, turn on dads digital cable on the big screen downstairs, and then send the baby to me when she needs to be changed...Then he would head to sleep, stay on the couch til noon, repeat, and then go home. that is a damn vacation. all that was missing is the mini-bar.

true, i was not working, what else is new? does anyone have a job these days? i wasnt getting called back even for really minor jobs so whatever he gave me was what i had, and he was QUICK to tell me maybe i needed to get a job as if i was NOT trying...

anyway, back to the original topic. once tax time came around, he said he would "totally break me off" since i hadnt really gotten much from him for a while. and by much, im thinking maybe $150 total over several months. he promised about $1500 to me so i could get a car, because all my savings/eBay funds have been going towards paying my parents for things and picking up his slack. as time went by, it eventually dwindled to $1200. yeah, i was pissed, but it was better than what i had been getting. i got my first installment a few weeks ago so i knew he still owed me 1k, and yesterday was going to be payday, right?

he came in with $500. i didnt understand what was going on...i figured we were gonna get this whole payment thing taken care of for good so i could tally up how much i had and make some moves. i asked him when i would get the rest of it and he said in 2 weeks. i asked him why i didnt just get the entire amount and he said if it was THAT big of a deal, he would go get it then. (really? if you had it why not just give it to me???) i told him with a bit of attitude not to worry about it, just get to me whenever it was convenient for him. he left, got the rest, and threw it on the desk where i was sitting. i let that little disrespect slide...

well i get a text saying "you could have said thank you" or whatever. so i told him i did thank him for the flowers (yep. he brought flowers for me.) and the cherry set (long story, but extra cute) but he was mainly concerned about the money. the next text said "its the f*cking point of it all, u act like i dont do sh*t. dont worry about it, how many b*tches get money like that at one time? its all good, i see how you truly are."

after i laughed (which took a good while to get over, because i thought that was hilarious), i sent him a text back basically saying i "got it all at once" because he OWED me that money. duh. please dont flatter yourself *sigh*

and let me just say to anyone male or female who is paying support in any kind of way...what i do with that money or what the other parent does with that money? DONT WORRY ABOUT IT. he said i wasnt going to use the money for the baby, i was going to get a car, which i had to remind him would take me to a job that would in turn pay for things for the baby...!

when my dad was a probation officer, he spent a ton of time in juvenile court. he said he constantly heard how the non custodial parent (usually dad) would complain to the judge about how the custodial parent (usually the mom) would take the CS money and use it for her car note, rent, gas money, insurance, etc. and how it wasnt going towards the child. time after time, the judge would remind the paying parent that rent must be paid to shelter the child, gas and a car note enabled the other parent to drive to work and make the rest of the money to support the child. THEN you had the paying parents who said "she is using my money for her hair/nails/etc." and the judge didnt care. matter of fact, they didnt care even if they were smoking that money up! if the child was getting taken care of and wasnt starving, abused, etc, then the courts wouldnt interfere. i know it seems wrong on a few levels, but if i take the money that Nel gives me and buy an ice sculpture just to watch it melt in the sun, then so be it. because every other dollar i get benefits her and that little $75 he scrapes up for me is not going to be stressing me once i start work! it goes back to what i said a few posts back about being independent: im not budgeting around him. im doing it around myself so that i dont have these problems.

anyway, he called me this morning, fussed about me being ungrateful, and then hung up on me. lol havent heard anything since! and at this point, i really dont care! I have some cars to research online...

In Re: to Letter from Nel

i cant believe you would say i didnt want to work things out. you have no idea how many nights i have prayed that things would work themselves out with us. i have talked to people that have my best interest as well as yours at heart...i am in this 100% now, i have a child with you that now has me linked with your family, who i care sooo much about you wouldnt believe it. nobody can deny that i love you, not even you. i never imagined things would get to this point, but i cant be like this anymore. i cant have doubts. i cant be sad. i cant feel lonely even with you there. i know you see me as being just cold about this, but with all i have had going on i dont have a choice. i can either just break down completely or hold it back. i cant afford to break down right now. i have to fight thru everything im feeling and deal with it later on.this back and forth isnt good for me. the up and down and left and right is making me sick. i need stability. i need something in my life that is dependable and steady and i dont have to worry about it. this shit was seriously making me physically ill, stomach aches and my weight and hormones are all over the place over it. i wish things were the way they used to be so long ago but i just cant deal with it anymore...im being pulled in three different directions and i just cant...i dont know why you dont get this...

Letter from Nel...

i know theres not much that can make u trust me again, sorry 4 what i have put u thru the last year...i am willing 2 do anything and everything so u can trust me again... i dont care how long its going 2 take, whatever i have 2 do i will do it. u deserve a better man and a father of your childern.... we have been through so much 2gether and i dont want us 2 end our relationship like this... there is no other woman in this world 4 me but you Sadiqua, i love u so much i cant explain it.. i am madly in love with u.. i know i have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and i know i have a funny way of showing it but i realize what i have lost and i didnt want 2 lose u.. i need u in my life and i dont know what i will do without you. i know it doesnt change anything but i had 2 say this 2 you... Nel

Throwback: Lunchtime!

i will bet you didnt know that i have a sense of humor, unless you talk to me on a regular basis. it appears some of my readers think im a serious, reserved, stick in the mud. that couldnt be further from the truth. so to prove it, im gonna post a few funny things that i did last year. they still ring true.

march 21 2008
today, i decided to be a nice mommy and eat lunch with Ariana at school. i had SEVERAL reservations about this, starting with her demanding attitude about what i could and could not bring her to eat. since when has a happy meal been out of fashion?? unfortunately for her, she didnt get her $7 KFC meal...

i try to stay out of elementary schools. they are germ Wal-marts. any disease, from the flu, to mad cow, to MRSA is probably lurking on the snotty, unwashed hand of a first grader, and trust and believe, that hand is touching your child’s hand. and notebook. and pencil.

when i arrived, i had to sign in similar to the way you enter Fort Knox. Computers, name tags, urine sample, i mean seriously, nobody wants my child but me, and on a good day...anyway, after procuring my name tag, i sat at a table marked "guest table" in the back. correct me if im wrong, but when I had a parent come to eat, they got to eat with me at the class table. now, you eat at what is fondly referred to in my family as the "exile table".

the kindergarteners were eating their lunch. or, playing with it. im telling you, if the Peace Corp or any other Childrens Methodist/Catholic/Shriners organization begging for ten cents a day saw the SHEER WASTE OF FOOD IN THERE....i was appalled. seriously parents, unless you’ve got that really greedy kid who eats everything all the time, you are wasting money sending lunch money to school. and those Lunchables that they beg for in Food Lion until they are blue in the face? i think more got thrown away than eaten.

i also noticed, as the first graders were filing in, a lot of girls had bought salads. not slightly chubby girls, or girls who havent burned off that really cute baby fat, but girls that NEEDED a slice of the deep fried crap everybody else was marching out with. what 6 year old girl needs a salad and skim milk for lunch? hell, i do. but thats besides the point. parents, teach your girls what a twinkie is. followed by gravy, whole milk, and a salt shaker. teach them to love those dimples, and to save the salads for when she is 26, unmarried, and single.

Back to the "exile table". Ariana was tearing into her Wendy’s, while the other 4 mothers with kids at the table were discussing something PTA related...on that note. i hate the PTA. i actually went to a meeting at the beginning of LAST year. i was sooo excited, i even dressed for the occasion, like June Cleaver who had managed to feed her child a balanced breakfast, kissed her at the bus stop, cleaned the entire house, and breathlessly floated into the school cafeteria, skin dewy, lip gloss perfect, and jeans crisply pressed. What i got instead was a cafeteria full of haggard, thrown together, 40-something, pre-menopausal women with cheerios still stuck to their sweats and not a stitch of makeup on. the PTA president bounced her 3 year old on her hip, thanked us for coming, swigged out of a Starbucks cup (which im sure had some alcohol in it) and proceeded to tell the women to be "considerate" of the other mothers in the class..."Some of them," she whispered, "even work jobs outside the home!" I looked around, stunned. A woman next to me with a Wachovia name badge on mumbled "Huh?" The women shook their heads in pity, and Ms. Wachovia and i glanced at each other in shock. i wanted to yell, "Darn right i work outside the home! I also know what a 401k is, how to balance a checkbook, and where Ann Taylor Loft is! Im sooo sorry i didnt marry a doctor or lawyer who can work 80 hours a week so that i can stay home dressed in 4 year old maternity clothes and not brush my hair!" So yeah, i didnt join this year. Take that and shove it in your VCR next to Barney, Chick.

oh yeah, lunch. There was the ever-present cafeteria Nazi in place, wearing a cheerful apron full of straws, napkins, and spoons, making her rounds and never really doing anything other than open cartons of milk and packets of ketchup. Every ten seconds she yelled about sending someone to the office. By the time she’d hit about the twelth or thirteenth child, they shrugged her off, knowing she had probably never sent anyone to the office, and never would. really lady, shut up and open this 2%. my dry and poorly cooked lunch is totally stuck in my throat.

i think my final straw was on my way out after lunch, and i saw a notice for the spring picture date. as i scanned the group of loud, toothless, adrenaline-stricken angels, i realized that it was 11:45am, school had started at 9:30am, and these kids looked like they had been running laps around a high school track. I take time to iron clothes, brush hair, etc., in the mornings. Im also pretty sure that other parents do the same. So why did my child look like a hobo? and why do all YOUR children look like hobo’s too? in a matter of two hours, your child already looks as though the teacher has set up a child labor camp making NIKE’s in the back. what gives? and these same teachers will let these dusty, estranged children take their school pictures like this. is it that hard to say "James, smooth your hair down, sweetie." instead, i think they all sit in the back, sipping on diet Cokes and giggle, "Hey Linda, James is up next. Great call setting up recess for ten minutes ago! Cant wait to see those pics!" With my luck, Ariana will have recess, gym, art, and a fire drill in the rain, right before spring pictures. But, the picture that results, although resembling a celebrity DUI mugshot, will proudly go on our coffee table. So Mrs White, lets try and see if we can get those pictures taken as the kids are getting off the bus, m-kay?

i did enjoy lunch, even in its loud, germy haze. it gave Ariana and i time to bond. So next time you find yourself eating an overpriced fast food meal at the exile table, smooth down your kids hair, give them a kiss, and shoot a smoldering glare at the PTA president at the next table. you’ll be glad you did.