Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 is dead and gone...

it is ten minutes to midnight, December 31, 2008 as i start this entry...i stayed in as usual. i never go out, sometimes we would host a get together but the past few have been relatively quiet. the girls are asleep, and i have already sent out my texts, so it is time for me to do what i do every new to god.

i pray not nearly as often as i should, i try to do it once a day but sometimes i forget. not on purpose, though.

2008 has, by far, been the worst year on record for me. i have come out of 2008 with nothing but my health and the girls health. i am truly thankful for that, but what looms is the utter failure and despair that surrounded me the past twelve months. i have lost a grandmother to cancer, a cousin to gang violence, my car, my apartment, my relationship with Nel, basically everything. and not only am i saddened, but im mad too.

part of me is furious that i have found myself in this situation with two children. they dont ask for much except to be taken care of, and i havent done that good of a job this year. i am also mad that i cant just give up. deep down, im mad at the girls for giving me a reason to hold steadfast and not collapse like i want to. if it werent for them, who knows where i would be, or what i would be doing, but i know for certain it would have involved giving in to the desire to forfeit in this game we call LIFE.

im mad at grandma for leaving, but only a little bit. her death showed me what i can get thru when i put my mind to it, and i do thank her for that. but now i dont have that excuse about death being too difficult for me, because thru her i learned that your love can overcome grief.

im mad at Nel. if you read this blog often, you know why.

as the fireworks shoot off, i can thankfully say that 2008, is now HISTORY...and i am greatful for the fresh page i get to start writing on this if you will excuse me, God and i have to finish our convo.

much love to you all in 2009!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

the right direction

oh wow, is it December already?????

i know i actually have followers now lol and you are mad i left you here is an update.

still not back together with Nel. we are working diligently on things, and making a bit of progress...he comes almost every weekend to see the girls. i have stopped checking up on him. do i trust him? not necessarily, but i have found that it does no good. all i am going to do is find what im looking for, right?

he has made it very clear that he wants things to work out between us and im glad he is putting forth an effort. i will admit, we didnt stop sleeping together (sorry!) and i had promised i would work on that...but i didnt. i am glad that we have the sense to keep thing protected though, especially after why we broke up, and the chance of my fertile behind getting knocked up again...

Niecy turned one, Ari turned eight a week later. his parents and my parents joined us for a wonderful birthday dinner at Olive Garden. he still hadnt told his parents about the split, or so i thought...

thanksgiving day, we went down south to his sisters house. (we are very close, she is like a big sister to me) as people came in, his mom was introducing me to people i hadnt met before...and it went something like this:

"this is Nel's girlfriend, well, wait, friend? acquaintance? i dont know, what are you calling yourselves now? She is Niecy's mom, so Nel's friend..."

Nel and i blinked and just looked at each other...what could we say? i didnt get a chance to ask what was going on, had she found out? all i know is that we were stunned as hell...

next up, nels going to try and get a place down there...still aint moving as far as im concerned, but its a step in the right direction...