yeah, its been a while. ive been known to slack on the entries for weeks at a time if i cant get around to it...
the wedding? postponed for now. mainly because its hard being cheerful and happy at a wedding as your morning/afternoon/evening sickness kicks in. yep. im preggers. and in my defense, i had planned said wedding before i got knocked up!
lets reflect on the pregnancy for a while...
you know, i had my first child at 19. the situation was nothing less than f'd up. i was young, dumb, naive, blind, the list goes on and on. i was simply immature. i had no business getting myself into that type of situation, but i did. as a result, i have a precocious, intelligent, highly active 6 year old at home. she makes me laugh, she makes me cry. she makes me take mess from people that i normally wouldnt, and stand up to people i never would.
my parents were anything but pleased with that development. and now that i am a parent, i completely understand. i didnt expect this pregnancy to be a celebration of sorts, but for my parents to look at it as a way for me to do it right this time. there are no bastards or jail time involved. there are no deplorable conditions in which to rescue me from. there is no verbal abuse or cheating. there is simply me, a regular guy, and regular circumstances. that said, i am still haunted by one thing:
have you ever felt that no matter what path you chose, what decisions you make, you just do not add up in someones eyes? that you will never be successful because you didnt choose what other people want for you, and what they assume is/was your "calling"?
i didnt finish college. i didnt even start it good. why? because i dont know what i want to do. i am also one of those people who thinks that in some occupations, you dont need a degree to be successful. dont get me wrong, if you want an MD after your name, please go to school! i think it is a wonderful opportunity for most people, and a waste of time for others. im also not saying i will never go to school. i simply see no need (if i have a job i love and not a clue what i want to do after this) spending so much time, energy and money on it.
to tie this all up, i get the distinct feeling that my parents feel i have failed...them, myself, my child, everybody. no matter what i do, no matter what job i get, no matter what i accomplish, or how good i feel about myself, i have still failed. and here i go, bringing another child into the world, with a guy my parents like, but i love. into a situation where things arent perfect, and will never be, but they work. i have enough self esteem to stick to my opinions, but deep down my heart is constantly broken because of my "fear of failure". i think i am amazingly successful, i like what i do, which is more than most people can say, but at the same time i feel like i let everybody else down around me. its an awful, empty feeling...
i have a younger sister who is amazing. she is about to graduate from college, no kids, no debt, nothing. she is in my opinion, near perfect. and my parents know that too. sure, she has a few faults, but nothing worth writing about. she is a parents dream. ive always felt since i had my daughter, that from that point on, i would have to work twice as hard to be as good as her. i know parents shouldnt have favorites, but lets face it, the kid who takes the least work usually has an edge on the others. and trust me, shes got one hell of an edge on me. i know she has always looked up to me in ways, but i think i look up to her more, and wish i had her life to start over again.
i am not upset that i am expecting. i am not upset that i am not married yet. i am not upset that i didnt go to college. i am most satisfied with sticking to my guns about these things. i havent crumbled under the pressure from family and friends. and im not going to. i will instead, put on a stone face, blink back the tears, and try to swallow the knot forming in my throat. nobody needs to know that beneath the steel reserve lies a heart full of tears.
Friday, April 20, 2007